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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This marriage will be the death of me.

18 replies

DS2inthebox · 04/10/2013 23:42

BH has turned into a controlling, and abusive man lately. He's put his hand around my throat and pinned me down this morning for pushing him away from me. He called me horrible vile names in front of DS and the whole household (living with his uncle and auntie as we've just moved to the area) so they heard him call me names I'm sure, but they never mention a thing about it.

He's using my situation as his stronghold. He knows I have nowhere else to go so he's constantly being abusive and cold towards me knowing that there's nothing I can do about it.

No idea why this has all started, he used to be so loving and gentle.. now he pushes me to the floor and slams me against the wall if I'm in his way. My wrists are still carrying old bruises from when he grabbed me the other day. He's nice in front of his family then behind closed doors he's an ugly monster.

I'm not bothering with a name change because I don't know anyone here anyway.

I'm 17 weeks pregnant and a part of me wishes I wasn't, because now I feel obligated to stay cause I can't survive with 2 children under 3 on my own. Every time he speaks my heart races.. it's torture.

I don't want to tell my parents because I'm estranged from them and I don't fancy being judged either. My poor son screams "daddy, mama!" every time we get into an argument.. it's not good for him but where the hell do I start?!

OP posts:
BasilBabyEater · 04/10/2013 23:48

Phone www.womensaid.org.uk/ 0808 2000 247.

You can survive on your own with 1 or 2 kids and you'll have a better life if he's not in it - and so will your DC's.

Get out. You're in danger, you're having a horrible life and it will only get worse. Women's Aid will help you.

BasilBabyEater · 04/10/2013 23:48

www.womensaid.org.uk/

BasilBabyEater · 04/10/2013 23:49

And if he attacks you again, call the police and get it logged. Press charges. Don't worry about what his aunt and uncle think.

Original poster
DS2inthebox · 04/10/2013 23:50

Thank you I'll call them tomorrow while he's at work.

I know my children will be better off buy I can't bear the thought of splitting their family up. DS loves his dad and I dread to think how far BH will go to take DS away from me.

OP posts:
fifi669 · 04/10/2013 23:51

Two kids under three will be easier than a life of fear. Get out. Talk to your local council about being rehoused. Don't hang around, it won't get better. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on your children.

Original poster
DS2inthebox · 04/10/2013 23:52

x post.

I did want to call the police but the drama it'll cause and his aunt will definitely kick me out for bringing it to their door. They're church pastors and I noticed they like to paint a picture of having a perfect family

OP posts:
Chandra · 04/10/2013 23:53

You can survive on your own! and your children will be much better off away of a father like that.

You will be better off on your own. Honest! You won't need to put up with this, and neither your children. You will have the same amount of work to do but without the stresses your H gives you.

Check entitledto.org.uk, and get is contact with Women's Aid asap. It is never too late.

Chandra · 04/10/2013 23:56

Afraid of splitting their family? Dear... that is not a family anymore.

Believe me, it is not divorce/splits that damage children, what damages them is witnessing all the arguments/tension/disrespect that happen before the split, so the shorter they witness that the better.

Younger children cope with divorce better than older ones, and the fact that you split doesn't mean the children won't have contact with their dad.

BasilBabyEater · 04/10/2013 23:57

DS2inthebox, you're not splitting your family up.

Your DP has already done that when he started hitting you.

You are putting your family back together, without the violent shit who would ruin it if you stayed with him.

If the uncle and aunt kick you out because you bring the police to their door, the police will help you with contacting WA who will get you to a refuge.

Don't worry, your future will be better without him and his bloody relatives.

Original poster
DS2inthebox · 05/10/2013 00:10

Thanks for the replies. BH is here now so I can't use my phone.

thank you all for your replies and help!! xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
DS2inthebox · 05/10/2013 00:10

Thanks for the replies. BH is here now so I can't use my phone.

thank you all for your replies and help!! xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
DS2inthebox · 05/10/2013 00:10

Thanks for the replies. BH is here now so I can't use my phone.

thank you all for your replies and help!! xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
DS2inthebox · 05/10/2013 00:10

Thanks for the replies. BH is here now so I can't use my phone.

thank you all for your replies and help!! xxxx

OP posts:
AnandaTimeIn · 05/10/2013 00:16

You need to do everything in your power to get away from this toxic family.

Fuck religion! Wasn't that supposed to be about love? Yes, it is. So they are just hypocrites.

You need to protect you and your LO

Please phone womens aid.

Your children will thank you for it in the long run.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 05/10/2013 08:49

I'm sure your DS does love his dad but he is also scared of him. Children that grow up around violent men often become super well behaved and loving towards the violent parent as a way to keep safe and on their good side. So mothers see this and think it means they have a strong bond, where that bond is actually fear and intimidation, not love. It will be far, far, far worse for your children to continue to expose them to his violence, than it would be to leave him and bring them up alone. I realise it's scary but it is also perfectly doable, women do it all the time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/10/2013 09:23

Just echoing everyone else's advice. Call Womens Aid or call the police. His aunt and uncle are irrelevant. He is violent. Your safety is far more important than anyone saving face.

Hissy · 05/10/2013 09:36

There ought to be a bloody law to prosecute bastards who stand by and enable the abuse of others!

Religion. Don't even get me started.

OP, you're on your own now, with little ones that need protection.

2 women a week are killed by their partners, and your H has escalated to such a level and has the support and backing of his family, that he will use this all to fuel his hatred and désirée to hurt you.

It will come to his attention that hurting the kids to hurt you will be the worst thing he can do, and he will do it.

They almost always do, in many millions of ways.

Do not, for a second, have an ounce of guilt towards any of this. He's abusive and it's a matter of your life or death.

Call WA, go to the DR, speak to your midwife, get every single agency you can to record this.

It will help get you the help you need, and help obtain the required protection.

Now is not the time for émotion, now is the time to escape.

We'll help you all the way, and we'll sort out your head too.

Don't blink, be smart and save yourself and your dc.

Ok?

Good luck today. Keep posting?

janajos · 05/10/2013 09:39

Is anyone else worried that the OP is ok? Just wondering whether she pressed send x3 or whether he got hold of her phone....

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