Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I need to get out of this marriage. Where do I start?

11 replies

icepole · 04/10/2013 22:02

Tonight my husband shouted at me for sitting down to drink a cup of tea after I had finished tidying up the tea things . I was also shouted at for hanging clothes on the radiator the wrong way and for not having enough food in the house. Tonight I have been called fucking useless, and told to get to fuck.

I have two kids, 5 and 2. I am a sahm. We own another two properties which we rent and the one we live in is currently a building site. He is doing it up. It was my childhood home. I don't care about the other two, he can have them. I just want this one.

I am worried about money. I did the benefits calculator and the child maintenance one and it isn't a lot. I have health problems and am worried about being forced into some shitty job. I also have a son with particular needs and I need to be around for him. I don't think they are 'big' enough to be recognised though.

Where do I start? What do I say to him? He will be going out of the country for 12 days later this month. Should I use that time to get organised? Or am I stalling?

I feel sick. He does everything. All the DIY. the cars, the money. But I feel like shit and I don't want to spend the rest of my life being afraid of his moods or being spoken to the way he speaks to me.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 04/10/2013 22:05

Are you safe?

Garcia10 · 04/10/2013 22:09

Go to a solicitor. Find out what rights you have. I presume the childhood home is in your name?

Original poster

icepole · 04/10/2013 22:11

It's in both our names. We bought it from my mum.

I think so yes, but he could make things very unpleasant. He is very moody.

OP posts:

Diagonally · 04/10/2013 22:17

See a solicitor while he is away.

Garcia10 · 04/10/2013 22:18

Have you any money in your name? Can you look after your children on your own? Or do you have relatives you can life with in the short term?

Sounds like you are not in any physical danger - emotional and verbal abuse only?

Finola1step · 04/10/2013 22:19

I really think you should speak to Women's Aid.

I can see the wisdom of waiting until he goes away as that then gives you time to copy any paperwork, get his stuff out etc. But there are a lot of opportunities between now and then for you to be in very real danger. Speak to professionals for advice ASAP.

BillyBanter · 04/10/2013 22:20

I'd be normal until he goes away and use that time to find out as much as possible about your joint finances etc. Any money he might be squirreling away etc. Take photocopies. Get some legal advice. www.resolution.org.uk/ can help you find lawyers who specialise in financial aspects of divorce or abuse aspects of divorce etc. local to you. Alternatively speak to CAB.

Also you say he is moody, he shouted at you for very trivial things in your OP. Perhaps look at this or other sites on abuse and consider whether it is more than him being 'moody'. www.dvrcv.org.au/help-advice/abuse-quiz/

Also if you are talking about your relationship online make sure to log out, only do so when he won't walk in on you, use private browsing before visiting sites like I link to above, delete pages from history etc. Perhaps this is not necessary but better to be overcautious than err the other way. If he will make things unpleasant you don't want him to get wind of any plans you have to leave him.

joblot · 04/10/2013 22:20

Your post is very sad. If you can, bide your time and get planning now. You'll feel better for it, more in control of your destiny. You don't deserve to be abused

Original poster

icepole · 04/10/2013 22:25

Emotional and verbal yes.

No money. That is my worry. Will I survive financially. I was sick last year with chronic fatigue and had to give up work. I am a lot better now but I am afraid of being pushed back into work and getting sick again.

And god knows what I will do about the house. The downstairs isn't even useable. He has been doing it all.

I thought when we moved it would get better but it's never going to change.

OP posts:

Original poster

icepole · 04/10/2013 22:30

I feel wretched. He's asleep. I can't sleep.

We were weaning my daughter from the breast. Plan was for me to go out each night so that it wasn't traumatic for her, so I wasn't standing right there saying no to her. But tonight I couldn't go because he was being so unpleasant and not helping. And it was heartbreaking saying no to her. (she is nearly three and up all hours which is why I am doing it).

OP posts:

Earthworms · 04/10/2013 23:42

Sorry yours having such a shit time ice

I am not wise enough to advise on the other things, but I did extended bf to a similar age. And it was the night wakings that were the killers. What worked for us was only offering water at night. Toddler was NOT impressed, and kicked off several times a night for a few days, but gradually accepted that,and I fed her once a day only, just at bedtime. At three they are old enough to have it explained to them, milk is for going to bed time only, not in the night.

Sorry if you've already tried this, but I can guess the stress and exhaustion is making an intolerable situation even worse for you.

Hope you can sort this. X

Flip