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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to keep 'living'?

13 replies

queeniefry · 04/10/2013 18:43

I would really appreciate some tips/advice as to how to keep sane and keep moving on after a separation. I just feel so stuck and down at the moment.... Thank God for my beautiful DD's who give me the strength to function on a daily basis.Wine tends to be my only best friend these days, as it numbs the sense of reality....
What little things do you do for yourself to feel alive? X

OP posts:
milk · 04/10/2013 18:53

Just doing things I enjoy, and having a goal for myself :)

redundantandbitter · 04/10/2013 18:57

Oh hun.. You sound fed up..ok Well this afternoon , after a Relate session, I curled up on the sofa under a blanket and watched Strictly.. Felt marginally better.. I went to pilates last week... Getting out and talking to friends... Or ask them round... I love reading stories/watching films with my DDs... A friend has agreed to come to the cinema with me next week... Stepped up my volunteer work... The shitty feeling is still there but it sits in the background ... What have you been doing with yourself? (Aside from wine) x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 20:29

Definitely spend as much time as you can with friends. The routine and concentration required by work helps as well. I spent quite a lot of the time after separation redecorating the house. Psychologically you could say I was 'painting him out' of my life but it was good exercise and the place looked lovely by the end :) Leave the corkscrew in the drawer though...

FavoriteThings · 04/10/2013 20:33

How long ago was the seperation?

redundantandbitter · 04/10/2013 20:51

Yep. I just had the front of my house repainted.. Felt like It was painting a new facade on me.. But it looks much better... Good old wardrobe clear out? I cleared all the thing Xp gave me.. Dumped them back... Made some drawer space !!!

LilyBossom · 04/10/2013 21:03

I agree with the redecoration, very cleansing and cathartic. I have slowly but surely eradicated all traces of him in our home.

You will find something when you are ready - I am nearly 2 years post separation and have joined the OU to do a degree, never in a million years would I have considered that before.

Am a totally different person to who I was with him - it is utterly liberating, and you will get there too in time.

My advice is keep busy, surround yourself with friends who love you and when you are ready you can make the changes necessary. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Original poster
queeniefry · 04/10/2013 21:05

Thanks for responding.
The separation is still ongoing, a lot of background which I wont bore you with. I believe, the biggest issue here is the fact that I'm carrying an enormous amount of guilt... if I didn't have my girls, this relationship would never have lasted as long as it did :( He is quite good at saying things like "I don't want to lose my family" and "DDs will be heartbroken" which is all understandable, but somehow he is dismissing the fact that our relationship is dead.
The house redecorating sounds like a plan, thank you x

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 04/10/2013 21:22

You have broken up with him not your girls. So he has not lost his family and the DDs will not be heartbroken as long as you both make the effort to co-parent without too much rancour.

I think you should focus on some short-term goals - maybe concentrate just on the next few months. What would you like to achieve by Christmas? What would like to achieve for yourself and for your DDs?

FavoriteThings · 04/10/2013 21:43

So you wish you had seperated sooner? Did something happen to the girls because you didnt?

Original poster
queeniefry · 04/10/2013 22:00

Nothing has happened to the girls as such. Apart from the fact that this is the second (and last) time we are separating and I cant even picture the damage it will cause to the girls long term.

He left me (and totally devastated me) last year but came back....with his tale between his legs... and I agreed to try again!
Fast forward, I have not been able to move on as the damage was already done. Hence the guilt, the confusion and all that comes with it.
I just wish I could stop sleep walking and start living again...

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/10/2013 22:17

You won't believe me but I think you'll find that this time the pain heals a little quicker. I say that because it's come as less of a shock and you've probably been mentally preparing for another departure for some time.

Another tip ... plan something. Even if it's only for a few days ahead, start putting things in your diary for you and the DDs to look forward to. To me it's the difference between 'existing' and 'living'.

FavoriteThings · 04/10/2013 22:24

You tried. I dont think that the girls can blame you for that. You havent mentioned how old they are. You dont have to if you dont want to.

LilyBossom · 04/10/2013 22:33

I don't think you should feel guilty for giving him a second chance and trying to make it work. It isn't your fault he left you and damaged your relationship irreparably in the past. Don't blame yourself, not your fault.

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