What she says and what she means

[atelier]

My missus works three days and I work five. We have two children: DD2 DS6

She says she needs more help to run the house and I've agreed to give it. Not for the first time.
But when I say I intend to do some cleaning she puts up objections.
Not on Friday night, that's our romantic time together
Not on the weekend that's family time
Not in the week because the children are asleep

That doesn't leave any other time.

I'm wondering if this is me being a lunk and failing to understand the non-literal meaning of what she says. Can anyone translate please?

She also refuses to be specific on what more I should do. We are a team, she says, and we should be working together.
So I can't have clear, set jobs like cleaning the bathroom once a week or hoovering.
And sometimes when I ask she says 'use your eyes'.

I must sound like a terrible chauvinist. Part of the problem is that very often when I attempt something I end up being lambasted for 'doing it wrong'. Or she'll contemptuously tell me she's just done it.

I'm good at the 'man's jobs' like mowing the lawn and re-roofing the shed, which are useful. And I enjoy anything with the kids, from feeding and bathing them to taking them to the park.

But I'm floundering when it comes to sharing a bit more of her turf.

Willing but confused.

No, it's not a massive over-reaction, women are always being told that.

Refusing to accept that it's part of your job to keep your environment comfortable and happy for the person you live with, who you claim to love, is incredibly disrespectful and passive aggressive and really shit behaviour. It really is. Women are not being OTT to get really angry about it and to feel incredibly let down and sad that the men they live with, who say they love them, don't really respect them.

Because that's what it's about - respect. It is not an over-reaction to demand respect in our relationships, it really isn't. Respect is the basis of modern relationships isn't it? If it's missing in that one basic aspect, then there's a massive gap going on there and women are not over-reacting to point to it and say it needs filling.

If your standards make the other person deeply unhappy then I think you need to look at your standards.

I don't know why some people will argue till they're blue in the face, that they have the right to make the adults they live with unhappy.

Of course it's about communication. FFS housework is not difficult. It just needs people to take ownership of it and accept that boring though it is, it needs to be done.

I love this site, which OP, I can heartily recommend to you as it may help. www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/

or...how fragile someone's idea of what triggers 'deeply unhappy' indicates about them...possibly.

Nice passive aggressive dig Pan but I'm not interested.

To live in a home which is uncomfortable every single day and to know that the man you live with doesn't respect you, is really shit.

But sneer away, dull though it is.

But he isn't refusing to accept it. I read the OP as a genuine good faith ask for advice about how to open the dialogue.

He has a long way to go, but isn't actually bothering to ask the question the first step on that journey?

There are many who clearly feel that housework is women's work...the OP has not said that. He wants to take responsibility but doesn't know how, in context of his relationship.

And perhaps he should have known how to do and be better. But he doesn't. This is where practical and non judgemental advice could make all the difference.

Unfortunately, I can't help much with household stuff, as my DP does most of ours because I don't like it.

I accept that we don't know the backdrop to the OP's issues Catmint, I was responding to the general discussion that's developed.

Basil, her standards are making him unhappy. Should she look at them?

If the OP does the work, the OP gets a say in when it is done, and what the acceptable standard is. That's a basic of working as a team too.

I think everyone should do less housework, what a waste of time most of it is.

Are her standards making him unhappy? He doesn't say that. Having to take ownership of doing the work seems to be making him unhappy. He's good at the "man's jobs" - the ones that only have to be done occasionally - and good with the kids - doing the fun stuff - not the boring, grinding, day in day out stuff. That's what he appears to be saying. He hasn't said an awful lot more so we can't tell, but he doesn't say her standards are too high, he just says tht by the time he does it, she's already done it and that he does it wrong.

I think people need to decide what is a priority to them. And these things are subjective, but basically, most reasonable people want to ensure that the other person in the house is happy and comfortable, just as they expect the other person to try and ensure they are happy and comfortable. And they accept that part of that may be to raise or lower their standards as necessary. If they have to raise or lower their standards beyond a level at which one of them is comfortable, then they're probably incompatible living buddies.

Passive aggressive dig? You've traveled to long way to arrive there.

OP seems authentic enough and not eligible for the slagging off/accusations he appears to have attracted.

I think I am a bit unusual in that I am shite at housework, dh is better but doesn't have a huge amount of time.
I found that the best thing I did was join Flylady It gives you set things that need to be done every day, things that need to be done weekly/monthly. You can get an iPhone/android app for it as well.
The nice thing I have found about it is that it takes those things that other people do naturally and gives it a name and a rough time that it should be done. One example is an area where people tend to dump crap, hall tables etc, Flylady calls "hotspots" and you must spend two minutes cleaning and tidying one.
I don't follow it to the letter but when I even half do it, the house looks a lot better.

Watch what she is doing and how and when she does it. Is she rushing around doing little jobs constantly while you faff and/or relax? Make it a rule for a while that if one of you is doing housework, the other one should be too, then you'll get into the swing of looking for jobs to do. Also, everything will get done twice as fast and you'll have more time together.