Mil, Alzheimer's, delicate situation ...

[Toklastennis]

My mil is a wonderful, kind, intelligent, funny woman who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She is still loving at home with my fil, who is disabled and on pain medication that leaves him quite spaced out. They have a care plan in place that means they can stay there for now. Dh and I visit once a week and I go round with ds once a week as well and speak on the phone every few days.

After the original devastating diagnosis, mil is feeling a lot less stressed and worried, which in turn makes her condition less pronounced. But she is clearly getting worse. I don't think she's in any danger and in lots of ways it doesn't matter that she is forgetful or confused - she is safe, mostly happy, and very loved.

But my problem is this: I can see lots of things we need to sort out now, before we reach a crisis point. Primarily these are - power of attorney (she has asked us to do this),increased stay at home care for both pil, and eventually residential care. These are all big things that involve lots of discussion with pil as well as quite a lot of expense. Quite understandably, no one really wants to talk about the future because we have only just got our heads round the present.

Dh is an only child and doesn't really want to face up to what is happening. He is there for all the hospital appointments etc but doesn't like to talk about the future.
When I have tried to bring it up with mil it has led to massive confusion.

I veer from feeling like it is not my place to get involved, to thinking someone needs to help these three lovely, scared people plan for the future. I talk to or see pil most often and know things are deteriorating fairly quickly. Also, there's a selfish element at play - in the past Dh has dropped everything when a crisis hits, affecting our income as well as our lives together. This is getting less and less manageable now that ds is here.

I guess my question is - what would you do? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Should I just gently remind Dh? Or be proactive? How can I broach the subject sensitively? If you were my mil, what would you want or need from me?

Been ina similar situation with a relative of DH, so massive sympathy as it is awful to watch someone you love affected by dementia.

Power of attorney, Urgently, for both MIL and FIL. We left it too late, and it is now very costly and very complicated. Sell it to him as a precaution/2 for the price of. 1/whatever if he doesn't think he needs one, but really, get them in place ASAP.

I don't really know about the discussions you need to have and how to handle them. Try the elderly parents board on here? Are there charities that you could talk to? This is sadly a common issue, there must be advice on how to handle these conversations.

Sorry, not much help, ... but sort the PoA very soon!

PS. There are two types of PoA, financial and welfare (health, accommodation etc): get both!

Hi. I am so sorry about the diagnosis. My advice would be DON'T delay. If you don't get a power of attorney done while you MIL still has sufficient understanding, you will have to apply to court to be her "deputy" which is a massive pain in the arse, takes months and months, and costs loads of money.

So I think you need to tackle it and get them all into action. You can do this in a positive way, suggest doing it just in case it's needed, and just in case they need extra help.

You can do powers of attorney yourself (the court puts all the info snd forms online).But I would suggest you get a solicitor. If you google "solicitors for the elderly" which is an organisation for solicitors who specialise in this sort of thing, and can advise both on the powers of attorney but also on care fees etc. and I really think its worth getting a specialist one.

Also the Alzheimer's society can give you details of local solicitors specialising in this and they have loads of really good information sheets with further tips.

Get powers for both pil if they are happy with that. For both their finances and health decisions.

And then just try and help them to focus on the practical things, rather than just thinking of the future and feeling scared. Focusing on the practical can help.

Your op title says this is sensitive and I feel my response has been a bit forceful, but I really think you can help make things easier in the future by taking some steps now.

Delicate not sensitive.

Thank you both so much. I think I knew that I have to get poa sorted, but needed a boost to make it happen. I will get in touch with the Alzheimer's society too - I did when things started, but now I know much more what to ask. Thank you so much for encouraging me to do what's needed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this it's very sad. We've been going through similar with DF since DM died last year.
One other thing I'd suggest you look into sooner than later is a family trust. If your parents place their assets into a trust >6 months before needing residential care it's exempt from the assessment and if there is less than £24k in assets outside of the trust they don't pay for the residential accommodation. I can't recall the precise details but it's worth checking. If your DH is a trustee along with your FIL it also means there's no probate to pay when the worst does happen.

Thank you Pudding, I had no idea about that. I'm sorry raft you're going through a similar thing. It is very hard.

Thank you Pudding, I had no idea about that. I'm sorry raft you're going through a similar thing. It is very hard.

Would agree with the counsel already given.

Take it from me, you really do NOT want to go down the Court of Protection route...

Alzheimers is also known as "the long goodbye". I would also start making enquiries re residential care homes for MIL asap.

MIL may well need residential care in a hurry so forward planning now is essential. Dementia patients can deteriorate very quickly as well so she will ultimately need to go into a care home with a specialism in dementia. Such places as well are not easy to find and demand for such is high. She cannot ultimately be placed in a standard care home.

I feel for the two of you but your DH has to get his head out of the sand because burying his head helps no-one, least of all his parents and his own family unit now.

Your instincts are absolutely right here.

The better you can plan for the (complicated) future that faces your PILs the easier it will be for all of you to face things as they inevitably arise.

I think you are right to push it gently, but firmly, with your husband.

IME the tendency to firefight amongst close family members who do not want to face the long-term reality of what is happening can be extremely damaging and put massive strain on other people (usually their own spouses and children).

Your family now has a lot of competing needs (kids, parents, GPs) and balancing them well with some careful planning that builds in flexibility will make life so much better for all of you.

Also, it is important to bear in mind (and remind your husband) that your MIL could live for decades with this illness. It's not a situation that can be dealt with in crisis mode. You need to figure out a way of dealing with it on an ongoing basis that allows everyone else to continue with their lives.

I'm so sorry for your MIL's diagnosis. She is lucky to have a DIL thinking about these things and prepared to help her sort them out.

It is a long, and often very painful, journey you are starting on. :(

Best wishes :)

Would they also agree to putting your DH as a joint account holder with them? having easy access to funds and checking bank statements is invaluable.

Age Uk also full of brilliant advice.

Power of attorney, Urgently, for both MIL and FIL. We left it too late, and it is now very costly and very complicated.

OP, this is urgent, urgent, urgent. Depending on how helpful your mother-in-law's GP is and how well they know you, that an Alzheimer's diagnosis has been given doesn't necessarily mean that she can't now sign a fully effective PoA. However, as time moves on, such a PoA will become harder to get and more open to challenge.

My parents had to operate a full court of protection PoA for my mother's mother (ie, she was probably not able to sign competently, so the PoA had to be obtained over her head). It was expensive, difficult and time-consuming and had my father not by that point retired it would have probably been close to impossible to maintain the levels of reporting and accounting that are needed.

Afterwards, her GP said that, as my mother was known to her and was an only child, she would probably have looked the other way had a signature been obtained by holding a hand over a piece of paper; the main party who might have challenged the PoA would have been my mother anyway. But the rules have got tighter, and you absolutely do not want to have to operate via the court of protection unless you absolutely, utterly have no choice.

I am reading this thread with great interest. My mum has recently been diagnosed with alzheimers and tbh I'm burying my head in the sand. I just can't bear to think about it. She has been a Widow 4 over 20 yrs now and lives alone. I think we need to think about poa. Its horrendous!

Yes, POA NOW NOW NOW!!! My mum was diagnosed with the dreaded A about 10 years ago. She was only just deemed capable of signing the POA documents. It was very tight and nervewracking.

My dad is her main carer and won't let anyone else in to help which is nothing short of abuse.

There are agencies who help hugely. I have found the Alzheimer's Society very kind and helpful and there is support for carers and in the case of my mum, a psychologist attached to the memory clinic to support members of the family.

It sounds as though you are being very kind and supportive. Although my situation is different, I have learned that there is very little I can actually do for my mum, apart from make sure she has clean clothes when I see her and make sure her bed has a mattress protector. Small things.

You can probably raise any concerns with your MILs psychiatrist or memory nurse. They are both a tremendous resource.

So sorry about this diagnosis.

POA is the first thing you should do.

I would also suggest that you post this in the 'elderly parents' section. There are lots of people there who could help you with practical (& emotional advice).

So sorry to hear your bad news - it's a tough one.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents

I have ended up POA for my uncle as my dad has passed away. He has vascular dementia which was early onset at 64 and within 3 years I had to move him into a residential home.

Agree to get POA asap and make sure they have a will in place and you tactfully discuss funeral wishes with them as suddenly the window to do this can be gone.

Watch for signs of safety becoming a concern, going outside and getting locked out, leaving cooker on with nothing in it including hob, leaving taps on. You get to the stage of doing what you need to do for a toddler.

Watch if they still have an ATM card. My uncle worried he wouldn't have money on him so kept going to the bank, taking out money and hiding it just in case. Sadly a lot of his he couldn't remember where he put before we realised what was going on.

Start investigating residential homes and get together a list of those that are good with dementia patients and their needs. Could one home accommodate both his parents needs long term? There is a couple in my uncle's home. Waiting lists for homes vary, as one said to me sometimes it takes a while for a space to come up and sometimes they sadly have a bad run and a few spaces come up at once. As dementia progresses they become very fixed on routine and their carers, although he knows them my uncle couldn't name his : ( we have chosen a home that can cope with his dementia to the end and has nursing care should he need it, so we know we never need to move him from where he is currently secure.

It is a horrible horrible illness.

OP my DF has Alzheimer's and has been in residential care for nearly 4 years now. It is a horrible journey but his face still lights up with a huge smile when I visit with the DCs.

Not much to add to the sound advice above but I found the Alzheimer's society hugely helpful - their telephone helpline for answering queries, forums on their website for support and the local group for help and info locally.

You sound lovely and your DH and his family are lucky to have someone so supportive.

Thank you, everyone. I think the poa must be top of the list - in fact, mil asked us to do this when she was first diagnosed because of problems with her father's estate, but has since not mentioned it, either because she's forgotten or she doesn't want to talk about having Alzheimer's. The good news is that I think I had already thought of all the big things we need to look into. But what obviously needs to happen is that we start talking about this together. You've all made me realise that I can't do nothing. I just hope I can make things happen sensitively and gently. I hope taking on some of the practical tasks will ease Dh's way through this as well. (I hope our son never has to do this.).

Definitely get poa sorted asap and notify the DVLA and her car insurers if she's still driving.

Personally I think other things can wait a bit. Give everyone time to come to terms with the diagnosis and then sort things out incrementally.

The Alzheimers Society are great.