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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't love my husband

39 replies

Pinkpinot · 04/10/2013 01:05

Last night he asked me why I loved him
I couldn't think of anything to say
I couldn't even make anything up

OP posts:
Pinkpinot · 08/10/2013 11:21

Hi Penguin
Thanks for the kind words
Today is a very bad pmt day. I just want to scream at the world
I've got a lot of things to do today, but would like to crawl back into bed
And he keeps sending me messages about where his mums flight is, he's obviously excited, and I am dreading it

Wolf- we just have to manage until next Friday, I meant the end of our pay month, sorry that was misleading
The 44/444 is hilarious, he's been shouting at the bank manager to claim it back, of course there's nothing they can do, he signed for that about. It's his mistake.

The thing about the money is he knows he has a large amount of shares to cash in next month. And bonus in December, so the skint thing just feels temporary to him
But very single month he stressed and shouty because of it
But we get through
He keeps sending me texts, how much he loves me
I think he's doing it because he can feel me pulling away

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penguin11 · 08/10/2013 13:46

Do you think you and he would be able to take time out to talk? (could his mum babysit?)
You have a rough few weeks ahead, having family stay when relationships are strained is so stressful. Thinking of you

Pinkpinot · 08/10/2013 14:25

Yeah, plan is to get mil to babysit, so we'll get out
I've honestly done all the talking,I'm sick of it, it's up to him now

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penguin11 · 08/10/2013 14:49

You do get to a point where you've tried so hard and you have nothing left to give and are totally worn out. Do you think you have the courage and confidence to call it a day?

My mum was in a similar relationship with my dad and when we finally (finally) left my dad she realised just how stressed she had been and wished she'd left years ago. Your husband's traits sound so similar to my dads - Google 'sociopathic traits' and see if it rings a bell. A family member summed up my dad really well "capable of saying 'I love you' but not feeling it" ... apologies if that's not him / your situation, just reading your thread rang so many bells.

Pinkpinot · 08/10/2013 16:40

Penguin I really can't believe what I've just read
I had read stuff about abusive/controlling men, narcissistic, I convinced myself he had borderline personality disorder
Now this opens a whole can of worms
Actually maybe it just closes it, I can't fight that
Thank you

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penguin11 · 08/10/2013 17:09

Both my dad and brother are classic sociopaths and my sister in law is struggling to make the relationship work and has got to the point of 'managing' the relationship for the sake of the kids (exactly how I cope with both of them)...I guess what I mean by that is not allowing yourself to be emotionally dragged into arguments / issues as a sociopath wont ever 'see' your point of view...they cant empathise...period....so having a discussion about feelings is kind of pointless. Also nothing is EVER their fault, ever...lots of excuses...oh and they totally believe those excuses so again arguing with a sociopath is pointless.

In my very limited experience I think sociopaths are generally really charming to people they just meet and people who don't know them very well but they cant maintain friendships / relationships...

I could waffle on :o)

Pinkpinot · 08/10/2013 17:28

Please waffle on!

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penguin11 · 08/10/2013 17:58

Here's some more waffle...sound familiar? Or is it just me and a crazy family?

They are both really controlling, especially the idea of being separated from their sons - to the extent that my sister in law is not able to summon up the courage to leave as he would make is horrendous (and he would).

Both terrible with money - spend a lot...and dramatically - my mum came home once and dad had gone out and bought a quad bike, boat and motorbike - madness! And she spent most of the time with dad totally broke....despite him being a big earner. When she divorced him he claimed bankruptcy not to pay maintenance - worked too.

Always full of the next 'big idea' to make it

Ideas of grandiose - god like complexes

Drinker, boy do they both drink....same with eating. Guess it's an addictive personality, but not able to see the impact this has on their children / wives.

cjel · 08/10/2013 21:54

hello Pink, hope you are feeling ok today?

Pinkpinot · 09/10/2013 09:50

Penguin, it all sounds scarily familiar
He can't seem to stop spending money
Drinks far too much
But it's the never being wrong and never empathising

I remember once I was behind the door when he opened it, and his first reaction wasn't 'are you ok'
It was ' what were you doing behind the door, how was I supposed to know you were there'

And even the other day I was chopping something in the kitchen, and cut my hand, I said ow and even ds came running to see if I was ok, his reaction was 'what' in an exasperated tone. I pointed out that he hasn't even turned around to see what I'd done and he starts blaming the chair ! 'I can't turn around in this chair, blah blah' completely missing the point that he showed zero concern or interest in the fact that I'd hurt myself

Anyway, more food for thought for me
We actually worked together last night to get some stuff sorted for his mum, ended up moving furniture around!
And it was nice to see his mum, ds was v excited to see her this morning
I feel ok thanks cjel, I'll get through it!!
I'm out this morning, so will let mil get sorted in the house and maybe pick ds up from school later on.

OP posts:
cjel · 09/10/2013 10:17

its really tough when you can recall things that don't feel right. Glad you are ok today at leastSmile

Pinkpinot · 15/10/2013 10:29

I've decided his mother is exactly the same
They both think the world revolves around them
Fucking sick of it

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penguin11 · 16/10/2013 10:32

Sorry Pinkpinot. Is she still there?
Thinking of you

Pinkpinot · 16/10/2013 18:07

Hi
Yes she's here for another 2 weeks
God give me strength

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