Wedding planning stress/hell

[ammature]

Long term lurker, delurking and hoping for some help, support or advice. I am newly engaged to my DP since Aug and planning on getting married Aug 14 in Ireland where I am from. We have worked out a plan to pay for the wedding with us both saving 250 per month, my dad giving us 3k and his parents the same. That's 12k with a loan of 5K if we need. I may get more money together as some more hours at work have come my way. Hence budget is 17 k. I know this is quite a bit, but we have a home, and we both want a great day. The guest list is 120 people ( it started at 170).

Every time we talk about the wedding we argue. Tonight he said the cost scares the shit out of him, and says everyone thinks 120 is very big. It's small by Irish standards for me and my family/peers. Yet all our friends here in the UK do a big intake of breath when we mention it. Some people seem to think weddings per head are cheap, like 30 quid?, ours is 70/ head for 5 course meal, half bottle of wine, prosecco,canapés, evening food and exclusive use of a manor house and grounds. I genuinely can't find cheaper that isn't a hotel he has said is horrid. And the costs have been bargained down to this rate. It's really competitive.

The arguments stem from me doing the lions share of the work on this and feeling it's turning into my wedding, not ours. He voices concerns but it never feels constructive. I worry he will turn up on the day and be like what's this? I want him to be involved but he says he hates talking about it because it makes him anxious we will argue. We always do. He shuts down and goes quite and I shout.

He is a wonderful man, and he does most of the housework and is super domesticated and progressive. Loving and affectionate. So please don't have an Image of some oaf. The thing is with our home we decided every detail together constantly and I thought wedding planning would be the same. Feels like it's turned into something really negative now. Feeling like it's my problem and I need to get over it. Any advice great fully received.

The best wedding I was ever at was a marquee in a field in Ireland. unfortunately I cant find a field from the UK, and marquees are shit loads of money, I have tried high and low to find a village hall type affair. It doesn't exist. This is really the set up we want, and the number of courses wont make a difference.Its a deal, which i have haggled on. I asked them about taking out the evening food, but I think people will be starving by midnight with a load of booze a few sandwiches isn't to much to ask. Providing our own wine is not going to make it cheaper either.

The point is, as one poster said, he is sitting on the sideline picking holes, but not saying what he would like to change or do differently. I genuinely think he thought it would be simple but planning this shit from a different country isn't easy.

Is it possible that this wedding has taken over your relationship and he is just overwhelmed by everything to do with the wedding not just the cost? You say he has been married before is that another factor for him in that he feels huge pressure to get this marriage right??

Finally can you offload to friends to get help or even just to get things off your chest? Perhaps a fellow bride to be??

Sounds like for whatever reason he is stressed out. You need to find out why??!

Ammature, sorry if you feel got at, but I am just astounded at the cost. I think £12k is too much as it is, let alone £17k. But if you can afford it, and it's what you want, then who am I to judge? So apologies.

I hear your pain about trying to organise from another country. I was in Germany (with DH in NI) trying to plan our wedding in the Midlands, with most of our friends in Germany, my family down south and DH family in N Wales! It was a testing time

Hi previous marriage was when he lived in abroad, while he loved the women it was kinda a visa thing. He is older then me, in his 40s which is why HE wants to get married next year and not a year later. As we want to have a family etc.

I do feel a bit got at, the cost is our business and was more helping for advice about dealing with the emotions. I wish i never said he said he was shitting it, of course the next morning he said its nothing to do with the cost. . .

Having read your latest posts, I think he is probably feeling overwhelmed at all the wedding planning discussions, if you're not worried about the cost (though I agree with previous posters that getting a £5k loan out when you have a fairly decent budget of £12k seems a bit odd).

I know that DH and I had a lot of wedding planning arguments and we had a small wedding (registry office, meal afterwards, only 40 guests), and were splitting the work between us. It is strange how it takes over your life and tiny things seem hugely important. Looking back, stuff like the design of the invites hardly matter now, what matters is the memories of the day :)

However, you ending up shouting at him when you're trying to discuss it isn't a good sign. Are you being horribly overbearing about it, or are you reacting to him shutting down and refusing to talk about it? Can he articulate what's wrong, or not? The things that stand out to me are the fact the wedding is in Ireland - are most of the 120 guests your friends and family? One reason I wanted a small wedding is that my family is small while DH's family is much bigger - I had visions of my side of the registry office being empty while his was overflowing!

So, it might be worth having a discussion about the wedding basics (with you trying to stay calm) instead of getting into details like the venue, and see how that goes.

We won't need to get a loan, that's a back up and the point is about how we are relating. The guest list has been worked to be quite equal for example he gets cousins and I don't. I'm not a horribly over bearing person though I accept I have been doing loads of stuff compared to him doing very little. Which is frustrating. If he was to say aww babe you've worked your arse off thank you, but I'd love to change this detail I would be so cool about that. But instead he says nothing and I have no idea where I am going. Communication has broken down and that's the problem. Not the finance.

It really is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on one day.

Just because you have the money (though you don't really if you are getting a loan for £5k) doesn't mean you have to spend it.

You really shouldn't be arguing over your wedding and shouting at him. It is supposed to be exciting and fun to plan. Not full of angst and disagreements.

DH and I were married in 1999. We agreed on everything and did as much as possibly together. We had no budget and in the end the whole thing came to about £5k. We had a reception, free bar, honeymoon suite, nice car to Church and reception then another from reception to hotel, honeymoon for 10 nights, photographer but didn't have an evening do which is ££££ as DH wanted us to have time just for us.

I feel that it becomes all about the fancy party and matching seat covers and not about a man and woman becoming husband and wife.

You need to listen to each other as organising a wedding is a piece of cake due to the pressures that having kids will bring when you are knackered and barely have time to pee in peace and if you are arguing over things that don't matter what will you do about the things that do?

Wow I think that is extremely unfair. Because we argue about this we won't cope with children? I was asking for advice not on the budget of our wedding but how to deal with tensions arising which is down to communication since I think I made it pretty clear he is on board with the cost. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean our marriages less valid then people who have a cheaper wedding. We have guests coming from the UK, and USA we can hardly not have food and since it's not a religious affair we won't be having a church moment. What should we do invite people under the tree for 20 mins and then say see yeah!

I'd apologise to your DP for getting stressed and/or angry about the wedding, but explain that him questioning an aspect without suggesting an alternative is one of the things that is really frustrating you.

Can you maybe decide on several things that he has an issue with, and ask him to look for alternatives and have another chat about it in a week or so?

(Oh, and it's your money - if 17k is affordable to you, spend it)

OP ignore the people who say it's madness to spend that much money on one day. It is YOUR hard earned money. If you want to bake it in a pie it's up to you.

And FWIW I was more stressed about planning the wedding than I was after having baby. But that's because I can barely plan a piss up in a brewery, never mind the whole shebang. Whereas at least with the baby stuff you just kind of go with the flow :o

I think you're getting some unfair flack here, OP. Don't take it to heart. It sounds like you and your DP are planning exactly the sort of wedding you both want - and I think it sounds fab btw! I agree that you should probably just relax about it for a while - other than the venue(s), there is probably very little else which NEEDS to be organised or even discussed at this point so maybe once you've confirmed the venue you should both take a bit of a break from wedding stuff for a few weeks...

OP, I feel your pain. I'm Canadian, but my family is Italian. Our wedding was 200 people.

Yep. 200. And that was small for my family.

Wedding planning was stressful for DH and I, simply because there's a lot to do for a lot of people. There were many, many times we both wondered what the point was.

So we made a clear pact-it's one day, and our day.

So we prioritized what we both needed, wanted, and didn't agree on. We found that things definitely changed as time went on and we discussed things. And, after assessing things, we found alternatives for a lot of traditions.

Also, I take it you just got engaged. Enjoy that! The rest will follow.

Communication is key, try not to snap when he shuts down and ask him what he'd prefer but make it clear he has to give an opinion.

MissStrawberry your wedding was nearly a decade and a half ago! and I'm guessing not in Ireland, it's really not comparable. The OP has said the money is affordable for them so who cares if anyone else thinks its a lot. To someone else it will seem like pennies,

Thank you to the last few posters, ultimately the wedding some people have mentioned is not the wedding either of us want. This one is and if it costs money that's ok because we are throwing a party for people and that's what weddings are about to us. A bloody great party to celebrate a wonderful moment in our lives, with people we love as witnesses. with a bloody expensive dress, shit hot photos to show our kids and plenty of vino! It's our money, we are supported by our parents. What's the problem? If people don't like the cost they should have the wedding they want. I came for advice about the arguments which it turns out, my other half has said are NOT about he money, they are about me. And how stressed I've gotten about it all. And my snapping. I'm snapping because he bs uptight and not offering constructive solutions. Anyone would find that Annoying I think.

Thank you mimisunshine, i can't see how her wedding is compatible, and I don't understand what the difference between a reception and evening do is?

Reception straight after the wedding, finishes before 1800. Evening 'do' starts about 1930.

When we got married we had our ceremony as late as possible (1630 in England) so that we went straight through. It was ace. No rushing about in the morning, all our guests had leisurely travel to the venue and could check into their rooms to get changed etc, no worries about feeding people at lunch and dinner and there were no breaks or awkward moments like I have seen at other weddings.

It's a good way to save money, yes, but for us the main thing was trying to make the day more 'fluid' for guests that were travelling from overseas etc.

I think you should listen to your partner when he says that he is worried about the costs.

Also, if this is a cause for arguments and stress, why not postpone for another year or two? If you live one another now, you will still be in live two years from now.

If its what you want, then go for it, but that's "you" plural. It doesn't sound like it's what your fiancé wants. I would have been in his camp, personally. I've been to some showy Irish weddings and the wedding is the only time certain family members are seen. I had fun, but I'd never met the bride and groom before the wedding or seen them since! I can't believe they spent the money on having me there (as the partner of a cousin or whatever) but it seemed to be expected.

The ceremony will be 3pm and meal about 6pm. It was STBH idea to get married in a year because he is in his 40s and wants a family once we are married.

this isn't really linked to your op but really just interested in the humanist side of your wedding - is it a legal ceremony in Ireland? I know it is in some countries but didn't know it was in Ireland

The law changed very very recently and it's now legal! Delighted as STBH is an official member of the British Humanist Ass. And we are both atheists. This is my fav part and so excited about exchanging our own vows with friends playing music and doing it outside. Hope the weather sticks. Another reason we need the house as a back up ... Thanks for asking

OP do you feel that you have to make more of an effort with the wedding because you're having a humanist ceremony rather than a church wedding? Are your family religious, or expect you to have a traditional church wedding despite not being religious?

While the comment about not coping with children seems a bit harsh, I think the poster was making a valid point - if you're not able to discuss this (he criticises but won't offer suggestions, you end up shouting), how will you cope with other stressful discussions?

Have you told him you want him to offer alternatives when he criticises something?

Your timeline sounds good to me...similar to ours. Am I right in assuming that Aug. 14 2014 is a Saturday?

If I may suggest a Friday evening wedding, you won't believe the price difference.

Religious aspect has nothing to do with this,but a valid point. It's not even a consideration as we are not believers. We are doing what suits us.

It's not like we've never had conflicts to overcome, we've been through plenty, my mothers death, renovating a home,the possibility I might have fertility problems, to know we can resolve conflicts and live each other. I'm sure we will be good parents regardless of the fact we have found this tricky...and I have asked him to come up with alternatives. It seems he likes the ideas and plans. What he is saying tonight. TBH I think he is very down ATM about his job etc and this is an additional pressure that he doesn't want to deal with and extra such as a wedding which needs planning.