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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can you tell if someone really likes you or is just our for fun?

39 replies

JoansRivers · 03/10/2013 21:47

I am back in the dating scene after 13 years with DH.
I have met someone lovely. We have been seeing each other about once a week for about three months. We haven't slept together. He is really nice and we text back and forth most days. He says he loves kissing me, but also says I'm sexy and he would like to do more sexually. I'm just scared to let go and allow myself to really like him in case he's just out for fun.
How can I tell?

OP posts:

Lweji · 05/10/2013 08:07

It's difficult to assess.
If he didn't say norks, was the rest you reported accurate?

Personally, I'd worry at the "you know how to push his buttons", but did he say it?

Once a week for 3 months is about 15 dates, and it doesn't sound like a huge number.

What do you mean by taking you seriously? Does he not talk about anything else? Do you want more commitment? Do you want him to wait for you to give the green light?

Remember that you can dump him for any reason. You don't have to justify it to him. Or even yourself. Sonetimes it pays to trust your instinct and not overthink it.

Fairylea · 05/10/2013 08:18

Personally I think seeing someone only once a week is too infrequent for a proper relationship. Is there a reason you haven't seen more of each other?

3 months and only once a week seems odd to me.

Dh and I slept together after about a month, we had been seeing each other 3-4 times a week and had both told each other we saw it going somewhere.

mrswarbouys · 05/10/2013 09:21

We're all scared of rejection O.P. But truth is - you could go through all the tests and courtship games you like, you can never be sure that he's not a user / serial shagger. Trust your instincts if you feel you know him, then do what you feel.

mrswarbouys · 05/10/2013 09:23

Sorry for my glib assessment. I just think it'll always boil down to that no matter how much thought you give it.

TheArticFunky · 05/10/2013 18:22

What do you mean SS when you say you don't like the sound of him?

The OP has said that he fancies her, has been seeing him for 3 months and he obviously wants to take it further. Which bit do you not like the sound of?

SolidGoldBrass · 05/10/2013 19:21

The thing is, if you are basically holding out for 'commitment' before letting him anywhere near your Sacred Very Serious Fanjo, you are setting both him and you up to fail. You are making the First Fuck into a far bigger deal than it ought to be - if you make him commit and then find that he's awful in bed, that's not going to be a very happy outcome, is it?

Do you actually fancy him? If not, then stop dating him. If you do, then why not have sex and see if it's enjoyable or not? Remember that no one is owed a relationship - or sex - and the early stages of dating are about finding out if you like the person enough to continue. so if you have sex and then split up, it doesn't necessarily mean that either of you is a bad person.

WhiteandGreen · 05/10/2013 19:22

There is no way of knowing for sure.

AnandaTimeIn · 05/10/2013 19:39

I'm with SGB.

You sound like you are still waiting for the fairy tale story.
Life is not like that.

Sometimes it's better just to find out how people really are. And sex, and what happens after, can be that kind of "leveller"...

Me personally, I would prefer to find out sooner than later....

You don't say anything about his background and relationship history. That is always a marker.

JackyDanny · 05/10/2013 21:04

I'm in a very similar situation...
I don't see him more due to child and work commitments.

I think sex is a commitment, and joins you to someone, in a spiritual way...it may be fine for some to shag around, for some of us, personally, it may harm me.

Wait til you are sure OP.
Your intuition is worth listening to...

Pistillate · 05/10/2013 22:43

Fairy lea, to be fair, just because your now dh said "I think this could go somewhere" and meant it, it doesn't mean everyone who says it to someone they desperately want to sleep with is quite as sincere.

It comes down to trust.

If he says it, will you trust him?

Fairylea · 06/10/2013 00:16

Oh gosh yes of course I know that Pistillate! But all I was saying was its good to be open and have that kind of conversation. I've been in fuck buddy type relationships that have gone on for six months or more that seem very similar to the original post.

Pistillate · 06/10/2013 16:03

I absolutely agree, fairy lea, it is so important to have that conversation.

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 06/10/2013 17:46

Conversation or not, length of time, etc, I can't emphasize this enough there are no guarantees.

If you are not sure then don't sleep with him, follow your instincts. Don't expect it to be forever, he can't promise that it's too soon to say.

Try and enjoy whatever 'it' is for as long as it lasts. Promises are sometimes wishful thinking.

Crawling · 06/10/2013 18:01

After 3 months I think he likes you. If you don't give it a go you will always wonder what if so just go for it.

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