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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am FED UP of Ex causing problems between me and DP...

26 replies

spook · 28/06/2006 09:59

My fucking ex husband has just asked to change arrangements on Saturday (AGAIN) so he won't have our DS's. He claims it's for something "Important" but it's pretty obviously for the match.
I don't really mind watching the footie with the children although I would have preferred to go to the pub with my friends and DP.
The fact of the matter is he is always changing the childcare arrangements. Saturday is his day and DP is absolutely sick of him and his shit attitude.
If I give up on this one for the sake of a quiet life, DP is going to be furious. A huge number of our (infrequent) arguements are over my ex's behaviour.
I am just so tired of this constant battling. My ex never seems to give me a minutes peace-he seems to go out of his way to put a spanner in the works of my very happy life.
Sorry-that was a rant but I am just stuck.
TIA X

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 28/06/2006 10:14

really sympathise Spook. My ex is always trying to change dates etc etc. I have got as hard as nails about changing arrangements. In this particular situation I would have said (and sadly have had to myself on lots of occasions) "No, this can't be changed as I have made arrangements, which I can't alter. It is your special time with the children, which you have known about for plenty of time. They are really looking forward to seeing you - I think it is important you don't let them down."
If this didn't work, I would then ask him to make alternative arrangements to care for the children as I had my own unbreakable commitment.
If that still didn't work, I would have no option but to accept responsibility for the children - however, this would come at a price. I have found ways of "punishing" my ex-H for avoidable transgressions.
So sorry you are having probs - big sympathy to you.

Original poster
spook · 28/06/2006 10:32

Hi Bugsy2 and thanks for your advice. I know I should be hard as nails but I also think that there are times when I may need him to help out (a wedding next month for starters)
And -still after all this time I don't like him being pissed off with me-PATHETIC.
But you and DP are right. He left me and why should I go out of my way to help him?
Thanks hun and so sorry you get the same old shite as me!

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Amanda1 · 28/06/2006 11:08

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Original poster
spook · 28/06/2006 12:48

Thanks Amanda1. This too annoys me coz he relys on his mother alot and shes a nasty old dragon.
I am going to text him and demand to know whats so "important" If its a valid reason then fine. If its the football then he can fuck right off!

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Amanda1 · 28/06/2006 12:53

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 28/06/2006 12:58

I would say no. Say that you are very sorry, but you cannot make alternative arrangements at short notice - say you only have one day a week with which you can do things without being mindful of the children. Tell him that the children are looking forward to seeing him, and suggest that if he has arranged something else, he needs to try and make alternative arrangements with a babysitter.

anniemac · 28/06/2006 13:08

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Piffle · 28/06/2006 13:25

It's not your fault, so your dp cannot blame you, you cannot force your exh to have the kids
It's part of life as a new couple.
Do not let your exh have all this control over your relationship, he'll be laughing seeing your dp angry
Act like you do not want him to have the kids, works eventually...

anniemac · 28/06/2006 13:29

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Bugsy2 · 28/06/2006 13:29

My ex-H would tell any lie he possibly can get away with to change arrangements. He certainly wouldn't fess up to wanting to watch the football.
I am prepared to negotiate if given sufficient warning, but otherwise he has to stick to the arrangements - or else!!!! Apart from messing me around, I keep trying to get the stupid prat to see that these are our children we are talking about & they deserve better than his piss poor efforts at making them some kind of priority in his diary.
I mostly dislike my ex-H quite vehemently, so I don't give a toss what he thinks about me. I also would never ask him for help of any description because I'd never hear the end of it.

Bugsy2 · 28/06/2006 13:31

Agree with AnnieMac & Piffle about pretending you're not really bothered if he has the kids - implying that they have a much better time with you.
This is one of my "punishments"!!!!!!

Thomcat · 28/06/2006 13:36

Hi Spook, no advice or anything but just wanted to say hi. Seems so mad for you to be talking like this now, seems like only yesterday I read your post about your now ex leaving. As I haven't crossed paths wityh you for a while I just wanted to say that I'm glad that apart from your "fucking ex-husband", you are so happy and I'm really pleased for you.
Sorry, no help to you, just really couldn't not say hi and stuff. TC xxx

Thomcat · 28/06/2006 13:38

OIhhhh great advise. Say 'ohhh no probs, me and DP can take them out to blah blah and watch the footie with them. Dp really wanted to do that anyway so it's worked out for the best'. Make him jealous that another man will be doing with his kids what he should be doing. Great idea.

bluejelly · 28/06/2006 13:46

Agree with Piffle about your dp not having a right to blame you. My ex used to get terribly cross with exex ( you following?) if he changed arrangements by an hour or two...
It put so much pressure on me and in fact helped me realised that my ex was probably not the right person to be a step parent...
Having said that your exp is obviously being out of order.

Freckle · 28/06/2006 14:02

The point is, something "important" may have come up, but is it more important than seeing his children? Perhaps that's the tack you need to take. What could possibly be more important than that?

He has to learn that if another commitment comes along, he has to say no because he is already committed to seeing the children.

Perhaps you need to sort out some alternative emergency childcare so that you aren't being blackmailed into helping him out simply because you feel there might be a time when you'll need him to help. It's still giving him an element of control over your life.

If an ex is playing silly b*ggers like this, you really do need to stick to an agreed arrangement and not budge at all.

slug · 28/06/2006 14:03

If it were me I would just 'forget' I ever had that conversation with him, in the same way he 'forgot' he had something 'important' to do. I'd just turn up early with the children and deny all knowledge of a change in plans. (I learnt this technique from a horribly bully I work with, it's amazingly effective)

FioFio · 28/06/2006 14:05

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Piffle · 28/06/2006 15:02

I have had 12 yrs of training my exp
I moved 12000 miles away to avoid this kind of thing
They really can piss you off, I just learned never to expect it and I had to learn to never tel my ds of plans as they fell through so frequently
Nowadays everything is GREAT! Time...

Original poster
spook · 28/06/2006 15:12

All fantastic advice. Thanks-especially you Piffle!
I think the reason my DP gets so cross is because he sees the power my ex can still have over our lives and plans. He's not really cross with me but inevitably I'm the one who gets it in the neck.
I am deffo going to email him and ask what it is thats more important than seeing his boys. If I get a valid answer then I will think abut it.
Hi Thomcat and Freckle!!! Lovely to see your names. Long time no chat

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anniemac · 28/06/2006 15:22

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anniemac · 28/06/2006 15:31

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Original poster
spook · 28/06/2006 16:10

I'm sure you're right anniemac but you have a much more grown up point of view about it than me!
Selfish is the word I think. It isn't that he changes plans as much as his "tough shit-get on with it" attitude. He knows, as usual that there's absolutely nothing I can do

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anniemac · 28/06/2006 16:24

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Original poster
spook · 28/06/2006 17:13

God-you are so wise and you're not even one of the two exes!
My darling DP texted me before and said "Ok-let him have Saturday and I'll take you for a gorgeous lunch and to bed on Sunday afternoon"
I am so relieved I am smiling right now!
This is a real step forward for us. And thankyou anniemac. You have helped hugely.

OP posts:
Freckle · 28/06/2006 18:01

I agree that adopting a "Oh that's fine, it was something we wanted to do anyway" attitude is by far the best one. Not only will it probably pss him off, it removes any control over you that he perceives he has and your boys are getting the message that you* want them around.

Glad to hear that dp is continuing to float your boat .