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Feeling rejected by our friends.

9 replies

KashaUK · 03/10/2013 06:33

Looking for a little support...

I broke-up with my boyfriend of 5+ years about 1 1/2 years ago, it was the best decision but it still stings. I felt I had no choice but to end things as he stopped trying, he was being possessive, spending more time working out his friends relationship problems than talking to me about ours, and his ADHD was driving me insane but he refused to acknowledge how badly it was effecting our relationship (I had to go on antidepressants to cope with being with him, which was the final straw). He refuses to acknowledge why we broke up or how much it hurt me, and despite the fact I left him I feel like I was the one who was rejected. My ex and I remain friends.

He has a new girlfriend and I am a little jealous due to continuing feelings of having been rejected by him, and I assume it's semi-normal to want to be the one your ex regrets loosing. His new girlfriend is a doctor which makes me feel like scum as I'm long-term unemployed, but especially I'm jealous as I think our friends like her more...

I'm autistic and long-term unemployed...as a result my social skills have suffered greatly and I've not been able to afford to go out socialising with friends - I only get to see one or two friends and that's only every four to six months (also normally just for coffee as I can't afford to do anything else), in fact I barely get to see other people. Before I lost my job my friends and I would go out nightclubbing together all the time, my autism was never a problem but over time with so little social contact with my friends it became a whole different story. When I have seen my other friends I've struggled to socialise...despite them doing nothing to keep in touch with me, they blame me for struggling socially and so we're basically now no longer friends. My best friend apparently caught others in our friends group talking about me (comparing me to the ex's new woman) at a house party a few months ago, a house party I wasn't invited to - they were apparently saying that I was difficult to talk to, as my best friend pointed out communication is a two-way street, also if they hadn't basically forgotten about me I'd not be facing the problems I am now with my social skills...

My ex is still friends with all our friends as he works with them, and as he works he can afford to go out socialising - that includes going out with his new girlfriend, who is more socially capable than I am and thus seems more social and fun than me by comparison right now. As my friends didn't see me much before my ex and I broke-up they had no idea how unhappy I was with my ex, and only have his side of the story - which includes him telling them that I left him to get with my current partner. My ex also now has a new life with all sorts of new friends, so his life without me is obviously better too. So my ex and my friends both now like my ex's new girlfriend more than me...and my ex has a better life without me so likely sees his time with me in a negative light.

On the plus side I have a wonderful fiance, but then the problem is that my fiance and step-kids live over 5000 miles away, I'm going to be immigrating to live with them so I've an amazing new life waiting for me with a man I love more than I've loved anyone ever before, and two great step-kids. BUT right now it feels like everyone in my old life have rejected me in favour of this new woman, the fact that my ex is better off without me makes me feel worthless, and I'm really lonely with no friends. I am happy about being with my fiance but I'm in a horrible state of limbo with no friends and waiting for my new life to start, being alone all the time makes me depressed and I think too much.

How do I stop myself getting depressed about this?

OP posts:
KashaUK · 03/10/2013 06:34

FYI it's 6:30am, so please excuse my spelling, mistakes, and rambling.

OP posts:
Jaynebxl · 03/10/2013 06:39

Two things come to mind... Firstly how well do you know your fiancé if he is 5000 miles away? Relationships at such a distance can be so tricky... have you spent lots of time with him in person and not just remotely?

Secondly, if things are really tough here and you've got a good opportunity abroad what's stopping you from going asap and just starting that new life? Sounds like there's not a lot to keep you back. I really wish you all the best.

poocatcherchampion · 03/10/2013 07:04

I agree. it is also likely that if your friends know you are off to the other side of the world or where ever that there might be a time limit on the friendship.

and it is difficult staying friends with both parties of a split relationship. if they see your dh at work then that will be an easier relationship to maintain. unless they are your lifelong friends from primary school or similar.

poocatcherchampion · 03/10/2013 07:04

sorry - not dh - ex partner.

IComeFromALandDownUnder · 03/10/2013 08:05

Were they your ex's friends first?

Also stop comparing yourself to his new girlfriend. You broke up with him for good reason.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 03/10/2013 10:06

After that description of ex, I'm surprised you bothered remaining friends. Feeling that his gf is getting the best of him is a waste of energy, look forward not back. Emigrating is going to be a huge adventure.

Good-time friends who only hang around when you have money to go clubbing and socialise aren't worth grieving over either. For that matter the 'best' friend who managed to go to a party months' ago without wangling you an invitation and filled you in on a conversation painting you in a poor light - even if what she said was true in the meantime you have got engaged very fast, you have plenty to think about, don't brood on what might have been. Focus on the next few months. Make sure you know what you're getting into.

Btw don't dismiss yourself as 'scum' because you're long-term unemployed. Life's tough enough without labelling yourself so negatively.

flyingwidow · 03/10/2013 13:09

Do you have any hobbies that you could get into which wouldn't cost too
much whilst you're waiting to emigrate? A reading group (often advertised in libraries), a knitting circle, Zumba classes etc. just to see some new faces and help you to socialise with other people. It sounds intense sharing a friendship group with your ex- and that's why it's difficult now...

Hissy · 03/10/2013 22:46

If you're this hung up on your ex, then you're NOT into your 'fiance'

How did you meet this guy, how long have you spent with him, and where are you being expected to move heaven and earth to be with him?

What kind of country is it? Which continent? I'm worried that you're being scammed or 'hired' as a cheap childcare/skivvy.

You're in no position to do this, it's an escape tactic from where you are now.

AnandaTimeIn · 03/10/2013 22:59

You're obsessed with your ex, yet have a fiance 5000 miles away and emigrating there, while long term unemployed.

The last bit doesn't add up.

Do you have DC?

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