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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so broken...

19 replies

ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 21:13

I wrote a post last night saying I thought my marriage was over...

Today has been really hard. I've had to see him a lot and he wants to try and "keep things normal" for our two year old DD, but I just don't know how.

Yesterday he said he wanted space...today he said he's told his Mum we've split up. He's staying in the area until monday apparently, and I'm just so confused. It feels like he's being overdramatic because he seems to think we should be able to exist around each other and be civil when all I want to do is cry and hide and just not be here any more. How can he expect that of me? If it's really over, how am I supposed to just get on with it and be OK so quickly? It's not fucking fair. I've been a mess all day and I haven't been able to get to the doctors to get my anti-depressants as my prescription has run out. He said to me this evening if I don't get to the doctors tomorrow he doesn't feel right leaving DD with me...how can he be so bloody harsh?! My head is all over the place what the fuck does he expect! I know I have to pull myself together but I can't and now he's trying to imply I can't care for our daughter because of a state HE'S put me in.

I'm going to the doctors, that's not the point...I just can't believe the man I've loved for 6 years...and still love...could kick me when I'm down like that.

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 02/10/2013 21:23

{hug}

I know. I have been there. Had the vilest comments from someone who was supposed to love, support, cherish and understand me! Huh! Yeah!

I don't know how they can be so cruel. :( I do know that it took me almost all of my adult life to work that fact out.

It will be very painful for you but you will get a lot of support and good advice here.

Can you talk to your GP? My practice, all of them, were so understanding and helpful, they really did save my life. I hope you get all the support you need.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 21:28

I'm going to go to them tomorrow anyway, I have to. I feel like he only said it to be petty but it cut deep. I don't how I'm supposed to be in a room with him and not cuddle him, or kiss him, or call him "babe". He seems to think we should get on for DD's sake, which I agree with...but how can he expect me to do that so soon? If he really doesn't want to be with me then why be happy and chatty for most of the day? Ask me how I'm doing? Make no effort to leave etc?

I'm SO confused...

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 21:38

I just want him to walk through the front door and say everything's going to be ok...

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 02/10/2013 21:52

Oh hun, it's not nice when the situation keeps changing and you don't know where you stand. Each day brings new news and decisions. Are you sleeping ok? Maybe he's had a but longer to think through his decision and you have been caught on the back foot. Deep breaths, get through each day...get to the doctors and explain what's happening at home. I'm sure you are more than capable of looking after your dd. keep focused on her. Did your MIL contact you after he told her his decision? You must be feeling pretty crap but keep breathing... Xxx

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 22:11

No I haven't heard from anyone. I don't want to tell my Mum...it's like it makes it real...and she's really ill, I can't bear to add to her stress.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2013 22:37

Tell the arrogant, unfeeling shit to leave. NOW... All I'm hearing here is 'he wants' 'he wants'... dictating when he leaves and how you're supposed to behave. What a pile of CRAP. Doesn't matter if he has to sleep on a park bench it's intolerable, as you say, for him to demand you act normally and suppress your feelings. So get him out of your sight.

BTW Even if she's ill, your mum will want to know what's going on. It'll only add to her stress if she thinks you couldn't talk to her at a time like this.

redundantandbitter · 02/10/2013 22:44

You know what.. I sat about waiting for others in my life to make the big decisions for me.. It was rubbish and makes you feel weak and vulnerable. .. You will feel better if you can take a little control of the situation and tell him 'I need space too' or 'go now and I will talk to you on Saturday' or something that you are comfortable with .. So you are not waiting to be told how your life is going to pan out. What is it you want ? right now it could just be 'leave me alone to rest and think'. Are you ok ?

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 22:53

Not really...he's not staying at the house, he's staying with a friend, so he's not right in my face...but he wants to see DD as much as he can and I won't stop that, it's just tricky with the environment all this is happening because we have to be around each other a bit. It's hard to explain. He wants us to be as normal as we can around DD, but it hurts so much, I just wish he'd said "I need space, I'm going away for a week" and left it at that, this is all so up in the air.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 02/10/2013 22:57

It's all very well saying he wants to
Keeps things normal but this isn't normal and you need to
Know what's happening and not have to be all confused inside while presenting a 'normal' exterior. Is he coming round tomorrow? What time and how long for?

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 23:06

I've got my accountancy course in the morning so he was going to sit here with DD or take her out for a few hours. I've written a load of shit down I wawnt him to read...I'm crap at communicating which is our main problem.

The problem with my Mum, is she is REALLY ill...I don't know how long she has left and part of me would rather she die thinking I was happy as she always goes on about how lucky she is to have all her children "sorted" when she's not got long left. I've never lied to my Mum about anything, we're really close.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 23:07

That is meant to say "wan't" I'm not talking in some OTT American drawl...

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 02/10/2013 23:14

You poor thing.. What a git he is.. You think he will read what you you have written and take on board? Sorry I didn't read your earlier post so I don't know the initial issues. Have you been to relate?

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 23:18

I know he has issues to sort out, so I know he needs time and space to do that, and now I feel like I'm being a pain wanting to know what's going on.

He does have good qualities...honest...if he was that bad I wouldn't want to try and work through things. If we can't work through things, or if he doesn't want to, then that's something I'll have to deal with.

He said those exact words "I'll read what you've written and take it all on board".

I spoke to a relate counsellor tonight. She suggested couple's counselling which I can't afford, so I'm going to see if we can get referred on the NHS.

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 02/10/2013 23:27

Glad you spoke to relate , v positive. You are SO not being a pain wanting to know what's happening - it's your life and future too. But if he's off having time and space to think.., then you should too. Couples counselling would be good if your communication levels are poor.. Could you spilt the cost.. Some people say things they wouldn't normally say when they have a 'safe' 3rd person in the room. Good luck tomorrow with your course..and hope he reads what you have written. Try to sleep

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 02/10/2013 23:30

He will read it, I know he will...I just don't know if it's going to make a difference.

He has a lot of issues...he needs to sort them out or I don't think we will ever work long term so I'm hoping this is him taking that step...I wish I could just stop giving a shit though...Right now I'm wondering if he's OK.

I just miss him...SO much and it's only been two nights...how do people do this?

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 03/10/2013 15:33

scarlettlady02 how are you today?

OliviaPope · 03/10/2013 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 · 03/10/2013 15:48

Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

JuliaScurr · 03/10/2013 16:03

horrible for you.
try to have a list of things you need to do and things you want to do. work steadily through your lists. Have nutritious food every day and a little treat : a book, a lipstick, a bar of chocolate. Have a bit of exercise.
This will pass. It will get better
You communicate perfectly well on here, btw
Brew

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