Erghhhhhhhhh. Bad relationship - gone bad.

[Sportygirl4]

Hi Mumsnet'ers...

So I'm kind of new here... I previously posted about a relationship that I was in a few months ago, but it was on my DM's account.
The thread was called something like 'Am I being gaslighted?'

Whilst doing my first year at A Levels I was in a gay relationship with a girl or should I say a woman (a bit older than me).. The relationship was not healthy as she was very very controlling, very heartless and very wreckless with my feelings. Although some of the relationship was amazing, the rest was horrible and I had never been so down in my life. I wasn't in control of my own life. She controlled everything. Who I saw, how many times I showered, what I did, and just anything to do with my life. She did this without ordering me around but instead by expressing how much she hated everything I did and by making me afraid of her. My friends started to hate me for it, because they knew how horrible she was and couldn't understand why I kept going back

The relationship ended badly 2 months ago and during that 2 months was my summer break from college... So I went out, I saw all of my friends that I had not been allowed to see, I was spontaneous with everything I did because I had no one to ask 'permission' from and I just had fun... It was amazing. At the time...
Now I've had my fun I feel lonely again and for some reason I have gone back to her. I know it sounds stupid after everything I've said about how horrible she is and how good it was without her. I'm back at college now where there's a lot of memories so it's even harder to avoid getting back into old habits.

I miss having someone there.

There's a song that has recently been released called 'True Love' by Pink. The lyrics are pretty good... For example 'At the same time I wanna hug you I wanna wrap my hands around your neck, you're an asshole but I love you'. And.... 'You make me so mad I ask myself, why I'm still here, or where could I go, you're the only love I've ever known...'

I'm lost. I feel helpless as to how to deal with this. I know what's wrong and what's right. I know the correct thing to do but my struggle is how to do it and be okay :(

Thanks for listening

there's no easy way except to do what you know is right and reclaim your life. Believe me the more often you go back and the longer you are with her to harder it will be to do it.

treat her like an addiction, try to replace her with healthy other things (friends, dancing, exercise, cooking) and go "cold turkey".

good luck

You missed having 'someone' there. We all get lonely and need companionship from time to time but if you let desperation drive your decisions, you will end up keep running into the arms of the nearest crackpot. I remember this woman from last time. She's utterly repellent, emotionally bullying and you're going to look back on your college years with huge regret if you don't reject her once and for all.

So you know you have to dump her again. After you've done it make a big effort to stay busy. Make new friends, do new stuff, and absolutely fill every waking second with something else. Work hard on your self-esteem, rebuild your confidence and drop all contact.

BTW... if she's hanging around your college, even consider taking a year out from your studies.