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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ExH being a twat!

20 replies

Prforone · 02/10/2013 19:03

Apologies in advance but I'm so bloody angry and need to vent!

The arrangement ExH and I have is that he has DD every Sunday and every other weekend (Sat am to Sun pm). He also has her one evening mid-week.

Today he announced that he wants to change the arrangement to every other weekend only and cancel the mid-week, which would mean DD only gets to see him on average four days a month, staying at his only two nights a month. The reason? He has a new GF and said it's no longer practical to have his weekends interrupted!!!

I honestly felt like telling him to stop thinking with his dick. His GF has a DD of her own (younger than ours) and my DD says she often feels left out because ExH pays more attention to the GF and her DD (they are always present when my DD is with her dad these days. I've tried to reason with DD that daddy loves her just as much (and of course, I appreciate she might be elaborating just a bit!). I've also mentioned to ExH previously that maybe the odd trip out - just her and him - might give her a bit of comfort, but his response was that he has his own life to lead and DD will basically just to have to deal with it.

Now he wants to cut their time together even shorter and I just know DD will be upset if this happens (and will no doubt think he favours the GF and her DD over her). I tried to explain this to ExH, and that four days a month isn't very reasonable, but I just kept getting told the current arrangement isn't practical for him and that he deserves to have a life!

Sorry - rant over!!!

OP posts:

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 02/10/2013 19:04

Fucking bastard! He really is a selfish cunt. Your poor DD

akaWisey · 02/10/2013 19:08

How old is your DD?

Original poster

Prforone · 02/10/2013 19:34

She's 8.

Ever since he met the GF, his interest in DD has wained. On the Saturday nights he's meant to have her, he sometimes leaves her with his mum overnight so he can go out. And he's cancelled a weekend he's meant to have her soon as it's his birthday that weekend. WTF?!?

It makes me mad because so many divorced/separated blokes I know would chew off their right arm to spend more time with their kids, yet he makes it feel like he's doing me a favour by having her. My own BF only gets to see his DS once, maybe twice, a week, and if it happens to be a day I'd normally see him, then his child always takes priority - and that's how I think it should be.

OP posts:

roz1982 · 02/10/2013 19:34

He's a stupid twat.

roz1982 · 02/10/2013 19:35

I hope his gf is worth it. I suspect not if she thinks what he is proposing is a good idea, which I suspect she does. They deserve each other and your dd deserves better. Xx

RandomMess · 02/10/2013 19:37

He's a twat.

TheRobberBride · 02/10/2013 19:38

He's being a twat.

But you know that.

I feel very sorry for your DD OP but ultimately you can't force him to spend time with her.

Original poster

Prforone · 02/10/2013 19:51

I know, Robber. That's the frustrating thing. When he first left (when she was three months old) he wouldn't see her at all and my divorce solicitor said unfortunately there was no way of enforcing paternal contact

Just a real shame as I want her to have a good relationship with her dad (I didn't have that) and he's making it so difficult. My DD currently says she loves him, just doesn't like him very much - and that breaks my heart.

OP posts:

Albert27 · 02/10/2013 20:03

Fucking selfish arsehole. His behaviour will come back and bite him on the arse hard!! Your DD will grow up to realise he is a selfish

And the GF sounds hideous if she wants to be with a man who doesn't put his child first.

I'm sorry you and DD are having to deal with this.

Ask him how he will feel when she is old enough to realise he is a selfish tit and that she no longer wants to see him.

Happened to a friend of mine. Her DS turned round after two years of similar behaviour and said "if dad doesn't want to see me, I'm not sure i want to see him' eight years later he chose to take her new DH name and is really happy. Her ex is devastated.

PumpUpMyVolume · 02/10/2013 20:21

Exactly the same set up as i have with my stbxh. We went to mediation last week and it was recommended he start having a midweek overnight which he agreed to. 'On reflection', he decided he won't be doing that!

I am desperate for my DC to have a good relationship with him as they were so close when we were together but he just seems to be cutting his nose off to spite his face (he thinks it's all about doing me a favour and I'm somehow controlling mediation )

As your solicitor said, you can't force it and to be honest if, at 8, she is already picking up that he prefers his gf's DD, then i wouldn't be too worried about him limiting his time with her, poor girl!

samsonthecat · 02/10/2013 20:30

I wonder if we were all married to the same man. My exh sees it as doing me a favour when he has the dc. Even when the mediator spelt it out to him he hasn't changed. He has cancelled on them to take his girlfriend on holiday and has told me it is inconvenient to have them. One day they will see for themselves what he is like :(

Original poster

Prforone · 02/10/2013 20:36

I'm taking some comfort in knowing I'm not alone in this situation! But so sorry to hear your stories of twatty dads too

I guess their behaviour just reinforces the reasons we're not with them anymore. Onwards and upwards!

And you're right - one day when she's older he'll want to spend time with DD and she'll tell him where to go.

OP posts:

BruthasTortoise · 02/10/2013 21:02

If it makes you feel any better my DSS's mum has stopped taking him the two Saturday nights a month she's supposed to have him because (wait for it!!)...she's found religion and has to go to church on a Sunday and couldn't possible take him with her! Your ex is indeed a twat.

Albert27 · 02/10/2013 21:29

What totally and utterly baffles me is these people use their kids. Don't they realise they need us now and one day however great we've been as parents they will lead their own lives and we won't see them as much anyway?

My ex told me I was destroying the family when I wanted out. Said it hurt him sooooo much he wouldn't see DS daily. We started living separately two weeks ago and ex went on five day bender for 50th. He forgot FORGOT to phone DS.. Yet he thinks our DS will see him as a cool dad when hes older that he does things other dads aren't allowed to do!

When we were together my ex went to oz, brazil, spainx3, Cambodia alone.erm, it was about prostitutes.

Didn't know it then so used to say daddy had to work. Two years ago started saying daddy likes to go away with pals without us as DS said daddy works hard but mummy doesn't!

Daddy has booked a two week hol alone to Thailand in December and FORGOT DS would be turning 6 when he was away!!

Original poster

Prforone · 02/10/2013 23:02

Albert, that's awful I somehow don't think your DS will see him as being a "cool" dad .....

Ooh, and while I'm on an ExH rant, he spends every night he can staying at GF's. Not a problem in itself but he's taken to switching his mobile off in the evenings too, so as not to be disturbed. Has done so ever since I called him on it one night when I had an emergency involving the cat having a stroke. Just wanted him to come round and sit here so I didn't have to wake DD and let her see the cat freaking out. But no, didn't want to (sorry, didn't see the need to) so had to wake DD and drag her out to the veterinary hospital with me in the middle of the night. Poor love was petrified and traumatised. But as long as he was nicely snuggled up .....!

Aah, I feel so much better for getting that off my chest!

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/10/2013 01:09

I think the best thing to do when you have a dick like this to deal with is to tell the DC that some people just aren't very good at being parents, and they can't help it, and it's nothing to do with anything the DC did. Reassuring DC that they are lovable and that you love them and that it's a weakness (not badness) in their fathers can help minimize the damage these pathetic men do: it's not so good to say 'Your dad is a shitbag' because DC get upset that they are half their fathers, and wonder if that makes them shitbags too. But stop trying to make useless dads step up, just ignore them.

cls77 · 03/10/2013 01:32

My word my stbexh is clearly a twin/triplet/quad with yours! Sees dd twice a month for four hours on a Sunday,
If he can be arsed. So far has introduced dd to new gf and her two kids, and the next visit was to the parents of new gf with kids and gf in tow. DD hasn't wanted to answer his texts or calls since the most recent visit, but of course it's my doing as I am poisoning her and fucking it all up for him by preventing her from seeing him. They really have no fecking clue do they?!!! (My dd is 11)

cls77 · 03/10/2013 01:33

Forgot to say dd had only just started to process that he had left when he announced new gf to her, despite me asking to wait a few months, the smirk on his face when he brought her back after introducing her still makes me boil!!

PlayedThePinkOboe · 03/10/2013 03:56

He's a dick, but I think it's probably better for her to reduce the time she sees him. Why force her to spend 8+ days a month with a man who just isn't interested? :(

Isetan · 03/10/2013 05:14

Your Ex is a dick but neither you or your DD can do anything about that. The only thing you can do is reassure your DD that she is loved and cherished by you. Listen to your DD, she has already identified and articulated that his behaviour is unsatisfactory. Let her know that some people aren't very good at being a parent but his weakness in the parenting department has absolutely nothing to do with her, you will have to repeat this last line as children have a tendency to feel responsible for the poor behaviour of the adults closest to them.

Good luck and remember the relationship your DD has with her father is his responsibility. Help her, by supporting her in the management of expectations of her father.

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