Bide my time or bite the bullet?

[lovemenot]

My marriage is essentially over. But I haven't told him yet.

We can't communicate on anything other than practical issues. Anything deeper than that ends up in a row with him shouting at me, calling me names, being patronising and being a bully. We have not had sex in almost 3 years. I work part time but he controls the rest of the family money. My opinion is neither required nor validated.

So I've had enough and I don't want my daughter to witness this dysfunction any longer.

He owns the house, bought it just before we met. He will refuse to move out, though solicitor has told me it is the family home and it's probable that a judge would rule that dd and I stay here till she is finished her education. The house still has a hefty mortgage on it but it's not in negative equity.

But finances are tight. He is working on a new project that could bring in a lot of money - assuming he gets investors.

Do I bide my time to see if he gets the investment, or do I just call it quits now? It would be very difficult to finance two homes right now, but as soon as I say it's over life becomes totally unbearable whereas right now it's barely bearable!

How long are we talking? Weeks? Months? A year?

How long have you been married and how likely is it that the project will come good?

Your solicitor is correct but I think if it's unbearable, you should call time now, have somewhere to go and then deal with the fall-out from a different location. Legal processes being what they are, there will be quite some time before everything is finalise, giving the investment project chance to deliver. Don't stick around for the sake of a few quid. Life's too short.

We are married 4 years, together 16, dd is 14. He's been working on this project for almost 5 years. I suppose if it's gonna come good, it could happen in the next 6 months to a year.

Cogito, solicitor said not to leave the house as I would then prove my ability to provide sufficiently for myself and dd and that would compromise my claim to need to stay in the house.

If it's unbearable, why wait? Your daughter should still benefit from any success her father has in the future.

Bear in mind also that if the project works out well, there will be more time passing before the money starts rolling in. By which time your DD could well be approaching her exams and so you have another reason for biding your time.

If he's been working on this project for the duration of your marriage, a good solicitor may be able to get any profits from it taken into account in your divorce settlement.

Again, your solicitor is technically correct but this is not a right/wrong decision being made in isolation, it's a judgement call and that's highly personal. Ending it now, setting up somewhere other than the family home and possibly agreeing to a lower settlement. .. or.. Ending it now, possibly keeping hold of the family home but enduring an escalation in the bullying behaviour

What is wrong with me? I've been building up to having the "chat" with him, and after posting today I was so close. I have it all sorted in my head, and then he comes home and I cannot utter a word.

Nothing wrong with you. It's a very stressful conversation to start and the right moment will present itself. Courage!

But finances are tight. He is working on a new project that could bring in a lot of money - assuming he gets investors

If its a business start up requiring investment, it quite possibly wont make any profit for a while and most of what it does make will be taken up by paying back the investors and overheads, such as wages. The money will only come through if it gets sold at some point in the future.

If its that bad, how can you justify staying for money?

You do realise that if the mortgage is hefty, and not covered by any aliment payment set-off, it is going to have to be sold unless you can buy him out?

If he's been working on the project for 5 years nothing much is likely to change.

It must be very obvious to him that things are not working out, so maybe he will agree a divorce is the only way forward ?

Perhaps just ask him what he thinks the best long term arrangement is; maybe he'll suggest it.

He is being totally passive right now. He has no intention of apologising for losing his temper and calling me a frigid, gold digging fucking bitch. I did apologise for my part in the latest row but that apology wasn't accepted and was in fact thrown back at me.

If previous behaviour is an indicator of future behaviour, then he will have decided it's all my fault, it's my "game", my "issues" and my "hissy fit".

He called me a fucking bitch in a row nearly a year ago and I told him then it was a dealbreaker. He texted me that he "reserved the right to call me a fucking bitch if I deserved it"......this led to counseling that he walked out of after 6 sessions.

He's gone to the pub right now, so there will be no talking tonight.

You don't have to have a conversation just get him served with the divorce papers.