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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wish DH would grow a backbone or I'll force one out of him!

27 replies

Cjilly · 02/10/2013 12:50

DH is really being a pain on my right bumcheek! We live with his parents and my MIL is driving me crazy.

I have SPD and she couldn't give a monkeys hiding place, if I was near death. She treats me like a house maid, I cook, clean and wash up after her, her children (14, 20 and 24) FIL PLUS looking after DS who's 2. DH works all sorts of hours and is barely home to see it but even when he is he'll just watch and later apologize. DM wants to speak to DH but I'm not sure as being a mother myself, I dread to think about what she'd say to him.

They make me feel like I should be grateful that I am living there, and I owe them my blood. I've even been woken up at 2am to clean the fridge while DH was left sleeping as he 'has work tomorrow'. So do I?! Being a mother is work and being pregnant too, I need all the energy I can get.

I haven't slept properly in 2 months and it's only getting worse. I've had enough! I've been married since June and I can assure you it was nothing like this before I sold my soul to them devils. They literally changed overnight

OP posts:

Original poster

Cjilly · 02/10/2013 12:50

Thanks for listening

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 02/10/2013 12:52

Why don't you just move out?

CoffeeAndScones · 02/10/2013 12:54

Cleaning the fridge at 2am?! Get out of there, either with DH or without him.

EvaBeaversProtege · 02/10/2013 12:54

Are you in a foreign country?

FetchezLaVache · 02/10/2013 12:57

Wake a pregnant woman at 2am to clean the fridge?? Fuck me drunk, that's horrendous. Why in the name of fuck do YOU have to clean the fridge and why couldn't it not wait until the next day? In my view, the only justifiable reason to wake a pregnant woman is that the house is on fire.

But anyway, that sounds horrendous. Obviously, you and DH need to get out of there before someone does murder- time to look at rental flats, see what housing benefit you'd be eligible for (assuming you're in the UK). But in the meantime, can you get out of there now, take DS and go and stay with your own parents until you can get together a deposit on a flat?

In answer to your question, the way these people are treating you is quite horrendous and I think it's gone beyond DH growing a backbone, but yes of course he should be defending you. He needs to explain to your mother that you're in a fuck of a lot of pain and can't be skivvying for them all the day.

Gerbilectomy · 02/10/2013 12:57

It's not for your DH to grow a backbone, OP (though that would be nice). You can do this for yourself.

Are you being held prisoner? Can you practise saying fuck off No?

Original poster

Cjilly · 02/10/2013 12:57

I have temporary places to stay (cousins etc) but nothing permanent for myself and son.

it's a mess and I don't think we have all day to hear my life story.. it's DH that's disappointed me the most

OP posts:

Original poster

Cjilly · 02/10/2013 13:01

I'm in the UK but I'm not eligible for housing benefits etc. I haven't been here that long.

Very frustrating because they know all this and that's why they treat Mr this way because they know I don't have anywhere to go really.

OP posts:

Onesleeptillwembley · 02/10/2013 13:04

If you're old enough to be married and get pregnant you're old enough to get your own home. Grow up and do so.

curlew · 02/10/2013 13:04

What happens if you say no?

Damnautocorrect · 02/10/2013 13:08

That sounds awful and abusive, and your dh is facilitating it.
Someone wiser will be along soon I'm sure, but no way in the world is or should it be acceptable to wake someone at 2am to clean the fridge, its torture!!

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/10/2013 13:09

What nationality are you? If you've not been here long do you have any rights? You need to get some advice and get the hell out of there! There are places you can go you know...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2013 13:11

You sound like you've been duped into marrying some bloke simply so you can become his extended family's slave. I would quite honestly call Womens Aid, explain that you're living with an abusive family, and ask them to find you refuge.

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/10/2013 13:12

Yes but OP has good English....it's not like she's a total innocent. I want to know which country she's come from...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2013 13:13

She does actually sound innocent. Not ignorant and certainly not guilty of bringing this situation on herself.

ghostonthecanvas · 02/10/2013 13:14

Why did you get up to clean the fridge? I would have woken my DH to deal with that request. It seems a very abusive thing to do. I know you feel you have nowhere to go but I really don't understand why you got up and did it?

ICameOnTheJitney · 02/10/2013 13:19

No I wouldn't assume she was bringing anything on herself but she's a bit too accepting of the situation in the OP....given her grasp of the Ehglish language and obvious intelligence.

RevelsRoulette · 02/10/2013 13:20

It doesn't matter if you don't have somewhere permenant to go. You have somewhere to go where you are not being treated like a slave!

This is not going to get better. You understand that, don't you? This will be your life if you stay. And god knows what it will be like for your children to grow up in it.

You have cousins. You can pack a bag and go there. You can get help from shelter, or womens aid or a number of other organisations to find something permenant.

Perhaps if you do this, it will be the wake up call your husband needs to stop participating in/colluding in/condoning or whatever the hell he is doing re this mistreatment of you. Although I imagine this has changed the way you feel about him.

Unless they have you locked up, you can walk out. If they are physically blocking you, use this internet connection you have right now to get assistance.

But please don't stay there. Any temporary roof over your head while you sort this out is better than what you have now.

ExcuseTypos · 02/10/2013 13:23

Great advice Revels

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 02/10/2013 13:40

Your DH may or may not grow a backbone, but that is down to him. Don't wait for him to stand up for you: stand up for yourself.

He has been raised in this environment, and for many reasons is unlikely to want to question it or change. This doesn't mean that YOU should accept the treatment you are receiving.

You need this situation to end. If the only way to end it is by walking out with your DS, so be it. You are outnumbered, and the people you describe will only turn it against you and make life even more difficult for you if you do anything reasonable like say "No" to their requests. (You can definitely try saying no, though! You are always entitled to say no to any requests. However I can predict that they will react with anger, tears, and blame, and get your DH on side to manipulate you into backing down, rather than accept your right to dispose of your own time as you see fit.)

Since you are in the UK, you can call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 for advice on benefits, refuges, or just a listening ear.

SilverSixpence · 02/10/2013 14:43

I have seen on another thread that OPs in laws are Nigerian. Waking anyone up at 2am let alone a pregnant woman is totally ridiculous. If anything similar happens again you should be saying firmly, 'it can wait till tomorrow' or better still 'do it yourself' and then shut the door in their faces. How bloody cheeky of them!

You need to make arrangements to move out asap and have strong words with DP that you won't tolerate it. And refuse to do any of the cleaning and cooking unless it is divided fairly amongst the adults in the house.

Dahlen · 02/10/2013 14:50

Whether you want your ILs to stop treating you like Cinderella or your DH to stand up and defend you, there is only one way to achieve that: leaving. Your ILs will not change because even if your DH tells them they have to, they will simply pay him lip-service and carry on much the same. He's not around enough to enforce it. Your DH needs short, sharp, shock treatment. Nothing else will persuade him that you and he need to set up home on your own.

I really hope things improve and your SPD settles down. Such a horrible thing to be going through when pregnant and away from home.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/10/2013 14:56

Good grief.
Call Womens Aid right now - followed swiftly by a call to Citizens Advice.
No-one in the UK has to put up this kind of abuse.
And it IS abuse! Believe that and get yourself out!
Sod all of them. Time for you rest up and get yourself ready for another child.
This is absolute madness.
Pack a bag right now and get to your cousins and call the above services and sort yourself out.
You do have choices. You do NOT have to stay in that house!
Get out right NOW!!!!!

SuperiorCat · 02/10/2013 18:23

If you're staying in someone elses house then you kind of have to put up with chipping in with the chores and living by their rules, but what you have described is way from normal. It is abusive and you should not subject yourself to that.

Get out.

You've been given good advice on this thread, you really should leave.

Original poster

Cjilly · 02/10/2013 21:48

Sorry for the late response.

I used to live in the UK for almost 15 years but had to leave as my dad messed up my visa when I was 18, so technically I've been here almost all my life but had to leave an re-enter. So I'm on a fresh visa which means I'm not entitled to anything at all.

I met him at uni and things were great. Normal life, happy as usual but because of my circumstances I had to leave (drop out of uni) and later come back, and it was his family who sorted it all out (buying the tickets for DS and I etc) as my mum and dad washed their hands with me, so that explains that part.

I got up to clean the fridge because if I didn't it'd be very uncomfortable for me to function normally while DH was at work, like making DS breakfast etc as it is their food I'm using and electricity, although we buy DS food separately.

I read my OP and realised that it is me who has to do something about my situation and not DH as it's a normal thing for him. The funny thing is he always used to complain that they'd treat him like a slave aswell but it's like they've transferred it on to me. His dad knows about ny SPD and he bloody well should understand as he's a consultant at the maternity unit at the hospital I intend to give birth in.

I've tried asserting myself but his mum would just pull him aside and complain about my manners. I'm respectful towards them all, clearly! it's becoming too much.

I'd love to go to my cousins but when I said it's temporary, it's because they live in student halls. So I doubt I can stay for longer than a few days at most.

Yes they are Nigerians but not all Nigerians are like this I'm sure. I don't know, I just feel as if they feel I owe them for what they did for me. I'm grateful to them but it doesnt mean I owe them my blood does it?

I've tried not cleaning up after them but MIL would ask me what I've done the whole day and if I don't appear to have been 'busy enough' she'd then ask me why I haven't washed the dishes and prepared dinner for everyone.

Thank you for all your advice!! I'll give them a call tomorrow and hopefully I can get out of here as soon as possible.

OP posts:

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