Can't stop snapping at my Mother.

[abbathehorse]

My DM is 68. DF, 70, is her slave, has been for 10 years since he retired. She does nothing at all. Literally nothing except go to the gym to swim a few times a week. She has always been lazy about looking for things. The refrain of my childhood was 'Abba, find my bag'. This has got worse and worse to the point where she will not even look 2 feet in front of her face for something before asking for it. So if I go over there for the day with DD, I spend the WHOLE day listening to 'what happened to my bag, where's the laptop, has someone moved the cheese, where are my keys, where's my phone, can you ring it?' And on and on and on. I don't think she has dementia because she's always been like this and she's very sharp about other things. She could be getting a bit slower with age.

So basically she does nothing except watch the soaps on her laptop (questions the second the soap pauses for buffering, why's it not working etc) and ask people to find things for her. Her room is a tip, DF cleans the rest of the house. I feel sorry for and and the same time frustrated and angry that she won't do anything.
I am coming off Sertraline for PND at the moment so I'm probably a bit irritable, but the torrent of questions is so constant I find myself snapping and telling her to look for them herself.

Should I have to be on mood enhancing drugs to be able to get on with my mother?

Re-reading this post, the tone of it seems quite angry and probably a bit stroppy teenager. I just feel there's a lack of respect in the way she doesn't allow anyone around her the space just to think for a second, or do their own thing.

She is quite a complicated and difficult person and I find the only way to get on with her is to be the happy daughter who does what she wants and brings round the cute granddaughter. Which works until she starts the questioning. I cannot cope with it and just feel I have to tell her to bugger off. Then we have the sulks for the afternoon. She has been a bit spoilt by my dad in that he will not stand up to her and so no one else has checked her behaviour for years.

I would like to help her with her computer and phone, as she sometimes doesn't understand them, but the frequency with which she asks for help, usually when she is halfway to solving it herself, means that I help overall less often than I otherwise would IYSWIM.

Any advice on how to get on with her gratefully received!

I don't think you're doing too badly really - you just feel guilty. The way I see it is that if you've got an old woman acting like stroppy toddler, you treat them like a stroppy toddler. Don't feel like you have to be artificially pleasant or make allowances. Stick up for yourself, tell her when she's being unreasonable and - above all - drop the guilt.

Lord, what a headache, it's your poor DF I feel sorry for. Does he have friends, can he get out at all for time on his own? Is there anything for his age group within the community?

If DM was ever thus then yes, (thinking of an old time needle stuck in the groove of a vinyl record), it is quite possible she has got stuck in that pattern of querrelsome obsessive behaviour, and worsens as time goes on.

If she were a stranger, or a neighbour, you might grit your teeth and try and think of any positive attributes. Of course as her DD you are used to her ways, that doesn't stop them from annoying you. If she is physically able to get to the gym or go swimming she should be robust enough to pick up after herself. Unless she has a particular health condition she could live for another 20 years, so a bit of plain speaking now won't dent her. If she 'plays nice' you can bring DD over, stay and chat, if she is mean to DF or bosses you around, get up and say you're going now, as she isn't in the mood to be hospitable or nice.

68 is not old. She is just lazy. I think you need to stay firm and tell her to look for things herself. I think part of you is feeling bad because you think of her as elderly but unless she has mental issues like dementia (maybe I've missed that ?) ..she should be more than able to cope.

My mum is so, so toxic so I know it's hard but even my mum who is an absolute arse is a similar age to yours and she lives alone, works part time and seems to manage ok. Your mum is doing this because she can.