Feeling upset

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Ok, I've been with dp for over 5 years, living together for over 3 years.

He has private medical insurance through his work for him and his "family".

He has mentioned finding out if I would be covered on his medical insurance several times over the years. I've always said I would like to be on it but never pushed the issue. He's never asked his boss.

I had a possible breast cancer scare a little while ago And I went through nhs. All was fine, thank goodness but I must admit I did find myself wondering how he would cope if I was very ill or if I died.

We have 5 children between us, he has four, I have one.

Since my breast cancer scare he has arranged for minor specialist appointments for two of his teen children. I have no problem with this at all, as that's what the insurance is for, however it did make me see that he immediately booked appointments for them whilst didn't even come to the breast scan with me.

Without my help and support in our family, he would struggle, he has a good job but it can involve very long hours and weekends so understandably the care of our children falls to me.

I asked him why he hasn't asked his boss about insurance for myself and my daughter after all this time. He simply said that we went through a bad patch last year and didn't want to have to cancel any possible insurance we might be entitled to. I was pretty taken aback by this and feel he's trying to make excuses.

My daughter and I might not be entitled anyway as I'm not married to dp but he has never asked.

He has now promised to look into it and I have been clear that its now become important to me. I don't think he'll do it though.

As you're not a spouse, you are almost certainly not covered by family medical insurance. It would be very easy for him to find that out and tell you. What you describe instead sounds like an unnecessary sequence of false promises and excuses. The 'bad patch' reference looks very much as though he doesn't see you as a permanent enough fixture in his life to make any provision for.... and if he feels that way, is there any future in this? What's worse is that he didn't accompany you to your medical examination after such a serious scare. Very uncaring.

Are you at all reliant on this man financially?

you are effectively the nanny and the housekeeper!

How does he treat your daughter? What would happen to her if something did happen to you?

You say 'our children' but does he feel the same way? Clearly not as he did not attend your appt with you. If he cannot provide support at a time like this what is he good for?

You need more from this relationship, you and your daughter are worth more than that.

What's your relationship like generally?

Two things could be going on here. Necessity is a great motivator. If his children needed something it would not happen without his organising it. If you need something he is aware that you will arrange it yourself. He doesn't feel the same responsibility. That could be because you are a capable adult and your relationship has a pattern of you taking care of everything, or it could be because he's a selfish arse. Either way though I would suggest it needs to change sharpish if you want a happy future together.

Take a long, hard look at your relationship. Is he appreciative of how you support his lifestyle? Does he treat you in a way that shows he loves and cherishes you? Is he someone who procrastinates and can act thoughtlessly but is basically decent to you? Or is you being bottom of the pile typical in your relationship?

People get complacent, moreso if their partners are uncomplaining types who just get on with it. It is good that you have made an issue out of this. His response will tell you everything you need to know.

If he fails to add you to the insurance, what do you intend to do?

Thanks for the replies.

I am fiercely independent and I think he does just tend to let me get on with things. I have always tried to do everything on my own and have been scared he might think I am only with him for the money.

He can be a bit lazy and won't always do things for the home that he says he will. I don't actually think it's malicious but it does come across as uncaring sometimes.

I have decided that we all need to be treated equally in the family, if my daughter and I can't be added to the medical insurance, I will take some out of my own and also start my pension at 40 years old. I intend to take these payments off of my contribution to the house.

He is benefitting from the health insurance and from paying into the pension (neither of which I can benefit from), therefore it is only right that I have the equivalent as an equal member of the house.

No more making excuses and pretending it doesn't matter.

I work and earn but he earns over 3 times what I do.

Equality should be a given and the insurance issue is symptomatic, I would say, of the fairly lowly status you seem to have in his life. As a partner rather than a spouse it should get you thinking about how well-protected you would be in the event of a split or even his death. Do you have an equal claim to the house you live in, for example? Are you named in each other's wills?

You should have your own pension anyway imo. That's your responsibility.

The family health care is a perk of his job and won't include a non married partner, that's pretty standard for an employer.

Does all of your money go into one pot or do you have separate accounts? Is he the father of your DC? Do you both have your name on the house? Do you both have a will?

So he's basically got himself a nanny/housekeeper to look after his 4 children, but you have none of the legal protection of being married.

He's not even put you on his health insurance.

You're hardly after his money, you're looking after four of his children so I would've thought the least he could do is check if he can get you and your daughter on the health care, I'd be angry as you.

whonickedmyname: It depends on the company & on the health insurance firm. Some companies extend health insurance to unmarried domestic partners.

fyi... we are not married but we share a child and are all under dp"s family private health care provided through his work.

Don't know what else to say but as someone else mentioned you wouldn't I just wanted to say its totally possible.

Just because you're not married, doesn't mean you can't be added to his policy. You can have non family members all under one roof, so to speak and is very common with both individual & company schemes. As someone said, very easy to find out!

One thing to point out though is with your previous cancer scare, you may need to go a couple of years symptom free before you are covered for this but you should be able to get it eventually.

One thing about company PMI is that there might be a cost to add you which your DP feels is too expensive and maybe this is why he has held off for so long. However, if that's the case he should be honest about it as it might be you could contribute a bit & between you, get cover for both you & your DD.

Seems there is more here than just not putting you on his insurance though - with 5 children, you need to make sure you're both protected and he doesn't seem to place as much importance on you and 'your' family or recognise the contribution you make to your 'whole' family.

Sounds like you'very been together a while so you just need to talk to him

And why aren't you benefiting from his pension - again VERY easy to change the beneficiaries and you don't need to be related. I get why this might be if you're newly together but you're clearly a massive part of his home-life so something needs to change!

I would be very worried about how he views your relationship. I think ou need to have a serious talk with him.

I had no idea you could change beneficiaries of pensions, I thought we had to be married?

To be fair to him, he wants to get married, but he wants a big party and I hate being the centre of attention. There are also many issues with the kids and his ex wife and I fear that there would be just another crisis with one of the kids and/or ex wife on the day of the wedding and it would just be about them rather than me and DP. We have constant crises! :-( I'm a bit of an anxious person and the thought of all that makes me feel sick.

As for property etc. I rent out my old home which is mortgage free. We live in a property provided by DP work. DP also owns a house but has a large mortgage on it.

Both our wills are as they were before we met.

I assume I'd just go back to my old home with my daughter if he died and his kids would have to live with their Mum (even the ones who live with us full time) or other family as I only own a 2 bed house and can't afford anything more. If I died, I assume DP would just carry on without me and my daughter would live with who I have specified in my will (my friend) or with her Dad.

Dp pension contribution is matched by his employer, and the total amount being put away each month is more than I earn.

I have also learnt that I have to pay capital gains tax on my house if I ever sell it as it's not my main home but DP won't have to on the house he owns?!

I'm starting to feel that although my day to day life is comfortable, I am not gaining any financial security at all or being treated equally (with the health insurance) and although I have tried not to be loving without asking for anything long term, I am wondering if I am doing myself and daughter a disservice?