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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex questioning paternity, even though I'm sure baby isn't his

54 replies

sixtieth · 01/10/2013 22:39

In a horrible lapse of judgement very early in my relationship with DP, I slept with my ex. DP knows and everything was fine, as it was so early. Based on emails sent at the time, I know that at least 3 months passed, but possibly more, between that and me becoming pregnant. The date of conception, confirmed by all my scans and the birth lines up perfectly with one very "active" week, in which DP and I experienced a contraceptive malfunction.

Child is now much older, though I would rather not give too many details. Ex contacted me out of the blue to ask whether there was a chance child is his. I said no, he accused me of lying or at least not knowing for definite. I sent him the email evidence, and haven't heard from him since, though I've been convinced it's not the last I will hear of it.

I was contacted last week by his mum, who has occasionally messaged me since the break up. After a little chat, she mentioned that ex's wife (and mother of his child) is under the impression "he might already have a child with me". His mother things he is using this against his new wife to mess with her mind and says she knows I wouldn't lie about paternity. Nonetheless I explained the situation for clarification and she quickly changed the subject.

It is making me ill too think of ex letting his family and friends and his poorwife think he has child which he knows isn't his. I'm also completely anxious that he will get in touch again, having decided the current evidence isn't enough.

DP said he didn't feel the need to get a paternity test as he fully trusts there's no way. However when ex's mum got in touch, he said maybe we should do we can prove it to them and move on.

I'm devastated we have to pay with anxiety and money for a test neither of us feel is necessary and even though I have nothing to hide, I'm terrified. We decided we would get a test on pay day, and that day is today...

Dp has decided we shouldn't bother but I know I won't be able to put this behind me until I know there's no way anyone can question it again. I also want to make sure his wife is under no illusion about the possibility.

Has anyone experienced similar that can offer any advice or support? I really hate this situation and due to the nature of the problem, can't really talk to anyone but DP about it.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 01/10/2013 22:44

An evil, and probably ill-advised, part of me says go to the CSA and set them on your ex. He'll either deny it, in which case the CSA will get a court order for DNA testing, or you'll get more money... Grin Sorry, probably not much help. Blush

Original poster
sixtieth · 01/10/2013 22:49

That would definitely be a good way to get revenge, but I don't think he has money to offer and I wouldn't want him demanding visits!

OP posts:
DysfunctionallyNormal · 01/10/2013 22:58

tell your ex to pay for it or shut up....or you'll do him for slander if he carries on!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2013 07:44

I think you ignore the ex completely. You owe neither him nor his new partner an explanation. DP is on DS's birth certificate and you are both satisfied that he is DS's father. You therefore have nothing to prove, there is no doubt about the paternity, and you should not feel pressurised into doing anything at all.

BTW I strongly suspect that the person who is having their head messed with here is not the new wife but you. He is trying to screw with your and DP's relationship by setting up this doubt and hoping to drive a wedge between you. As it stands you've gone from 100% certainty to your DP suggesting you should get a test done.... Have the courage of your convictions and don't play this game.

diddl · 02/10/2013 07:51

So you know when you had sex with your ex-and about three months later you were pregnant?

So just ignore!

aurynne · 02/10/2013 08:21

Agree with DysfunctionallyNormal. If you are not against having that paternity test, then surely your ex should be the one paying for it.

Chocotrekkie · 02/10/2013 08:25

From what you said you seem to have an ok relationship with his mum ?? Can you phone her and say that you are happy to do the test but you've gone through your budget and you just haven't got the spare money to pay for it at the moment - could they/he pay for it..

TheCrumpetQueen · 02/10/2013 08:48

Why are you paying?

TheCrumpetQueen · 02/10/2013 08:48

X-post him and his mum better start saving then

Anniegetyourgun · 02/10/2013 08:54

What Cog said. Ex and his current gf are probably laughing themselves sick at the thought of you wasting money and tying yourself in emotional knots to prove something that doesn't need proving. He wouldn't be the first ex to put around a pack of lies to cause trouble. You will come out of the test a couple of thousand poorer, waving a piece of paper triumphantly - there, see, I told you ex couldn't have been the father! - and he'll just look blankly at you and go "so?". And you will feel a proper twit.

Original poster
sixtieth · 02/10/2013 10:13

I think you're all right. I have an anxiety disorder so I'm quite easy to stir up.

They haven't asked me to take a test again. Ex asked originally and I assumed it was all over when I gave him the evidence, until his mum got in touch and said his new wife thinks ds might be his. Either ex is just playing
With his wife's emotions or yes, he might be playing with mine. He was always manipulative so I believe either is possible. I know he doesn't actually think he's the dad though.

My main fear is that it isn't over and so we were thinking of taking a test to make sure it definitely was. I have ridiculous thoughts of dying and them showing uputo the funeral and demanding a test when dp has enough on his place and other strange thoughts.

Similarly I hate the idea of another family laying secret claim to my child. It makes me paranoid that its the only reason ex's mum keeps in touch

OP posts:
Original poster
sixtieth · 02/10/2013 10:17

I don't think I'll do the test.

It's true, its just a huge financial sink for something completely pointless.

Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2013 10:18

It's over because it's over. You and your DP know the truth and your ex (and of course he was always manipulative) is simply making trouble for YOU knowing a) that you have an anxiety disorder and b) he isn't the father. Find your anger here.... It's missing at the moment. Tell your ex, his mother or anyone else connected with him to take a running jump and cease contact. If they continue to harass you, report them to the police.

Original poster
sixtieth · 02/10/2013 10:54

Yes. You're right, I haven't been angry and when I think about it, I should be. I've just felt scared and worried and wanted to resolve it. But ex is just a very pathetic person. He spent our entire relationship playing mind games and then continued to emotionally blackmail me
for a year after our break up. Time has passed and I wrongly thought it was over. I've changed a lot and imagined he must have too, being a married father now. But this is very typical behaviour of him.

And I don't know why I keep blindly believing everything
he does. I even know that his mum has complied with lies he told when we were together, and told a few of her own. But then talks to me like we're both survivors of his abusive nature.

I think that's what I need, a defiant attitude to this situation and that family.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/10/2013 11:11

Defiant and, I'd suggest, distant. Cut contact completely with him and anyone to do with him. I don't know how he gets in touch but block his number or his e-mail address and I'm sorry but it's good-bye to Mommy Dearest as well. She's a link you can't afford to have.

Manipulative bullies, emotional blackmailers... whatever you want to call them... do not let their victims go just because they're no longer in a relationship with them. They are twisted bastards that enjoy the feeling of making someone else sweat just because they can.

RedWineAndCheese · 02/10/2013 11:16

How much is a paternity test? How much compared to a letter from a solicitor to cease and desist?

I'd insist ex pays or send a solicitor's letter.

Emotional blackmail from him/his mother is totally unacceptable.

Wheatus · 02/10/2013 11:24

If you are 100% sure he's not the father there aren't any issues.

If he could be the father I think you should sort it out, otherwise it'll be hanging over you for years. I don't think ignoring it will help.

passedgo · 02/10/2013 11:25

He knows that it's not his, he is just being an arse. Pay for the test, copy it to whoever needs to see it and move on. Then he will be shown up for the arse that he is. He is doing this to goad you into a battle and to get attention.

passedgo · 02/10/2013 11:30

A kit costs £30, or 99-200 for outside test.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 02/10/2013 11:32

You can buy a test kit, from Boots, for £30. It seems like £30 well spent if it stops you worrying.

chrome100 · 02/10/2013 11:35

I agree - the test is straight forward enough. Why not do one to settle it once and for all? Yes, you might be certain the child is not your ex's but why give him that ammunition?

passedgo · 02/10/2013 11:36

Also the MIL wants a grandchild, but probably not yours. If you put the record straight the MIL's focus will be on the new woman.

EldritchCleavage · 02/10/2013 11:38

There are two different issues here, I think:

-your ex and his nasty mind games; and
-your child's paternity.

Of course, they overlap. But you and your DP can do a test any time you want, for your own peace of mind, and you do not need to tell anyone the results.

In your place I would ignore the ex. If he really feels there was a chance he was the father, and really wants to know, he can go to court to get an order for a test. He won't though. This does seem to be more about attention-seeking and mind games than anything else.

Rooners · 02/10/2013 11:45

If he doesn't believe he is the father, and you and DP KNOW he's not, then what on earth would be the point of a test?

I agree with Cog here, (as usual) in that he is doing this only to exert power over you and his current wife.

He's a wanker.

His mum is colluding with it and he is using her to harrass you too.

When I left my ex, his DP kept calling me - partly to try and tell me that they were back together which I was glad about, as he was a bastard, but also to make sure he wasn't in touch with me, which he wasn't mostly (and I ignored the few aberrations)

But I went from being Ok talking to her, to realising that she was worse than him in a way - she started ringing me when he was there, in the middle of arguments, and I was being used as something to argue about, and she told me how scared she was of him, and I was getting dragged into stuff I had nothing to do with.

Eventually I changed my number, not cos he was calling but because SHE was. And I felt so much better after that.

People are fucking weird. Ditch the lot of them and move on with your life xx

Rooners · 02/10/2013 11:46

Btw the test kit you buy does NOT pay for the actual test - afaik that is several hundred. the £30 just buys you the test itself, not the work to ascertain the result.

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