Fed up with my life...

[SadFace502]

Well, that's it really!!

I am so fed up and can't see any way to make it better... I'm a mum of 2 DC (7 and 3), I work full time and my DH is in the emergency services.

When I had my eldest DC, my DH changed his hours to be more 'family friendly'. This however meant that while he had time off in the week, he worked all weekend, every weekend. I went back to work full time when DC was 6 months old. He spent 2 days per week with DC.

We had second DC and the hours changed slightly so he had one weekend off in 4. Again, I went back to work full time after 6 months.

We have been having problems in our relationship in that we didn't have any time together and no sex life, which DH was pissed off about. We went to counselling and things got better for a while. The counsellor said that sex should be something I took as something I enjoyed and I need to have more 'me' time. Things got a bit better, but finding 'me' time was pretty hard!!

Earlier this year, DH was told he had to go back to shift - it was something he wanted to do anyway to move his career forward.

So now his shifts consist of having one weekend off in 5 - he works many night shifts (22-07) and late shifts (17-04).

Through all of this I have been the person picking up DC from school / nursery, and looking after them at the weekends. If one of them is ill, it is me that has to have the day off / collect the child.

Anyway, I am now just totally pissed off with the arrangement... I am KNACKERED... I am tired of working all week, and then having both DC all weekend, on my own. When he is on night shift I have the pressure to either be out of the house at 9am on Saturday and Sunday, or being in the house and freaking out if they make a noise.

I cannot see how I am ever going to get any 'me' time ever again!! I am fat, I don't have time to workout. My DC2 is at nursery for 4 days a week so my DH gets 3 or 4 days per week on his own, in the house with nobody else there - bliss. If I want time to myself I have to take a days holiday.

To make it worse, DH is working Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, NYE and NY Day - all of those are 22-07 shifts and I have his whole family coming for Christmas (he only found this out last week).

I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, I can't focus. I want to change my life but don't know where to start. We both need to work - I earn more than him and my job is pretty high pressure.

I can't talk to my DH because he just says he's in the emergency services and that is the way it is. He gets angry at me and to be honest, he can't change anything.

I have lost touch with my friends becasue I am frequently at home with the kids because DH works many late / night shifts. I get pissed off with happy people saying 'have a great weekend' on a Friday or people posting on Facebook about their fabulous weekend. On a Monday, 'did you have a good weekend?' No, I bloody didn't if the truth be known, but I just smile and say yes, it was great. My husband says I should as my parents to help out at the weekends but I feel that isn't their job....

My DH just says stuff like "you obviously want out of this marriage", but that isn't it - I just want a little bit of time for me without having to give someone else the job of looking after my family... Basically I think that HE should be here more often.

But that's not going to change any time soon... I have nothing to look forward to.... I just want to step off this treadmill that is my life...

Sorry for the long, feeling sorry for myself ramble, it's good just to offload!!

My sympathies. This is a really common problem for anyone who works in the emergency services or whose partner does. It's really difficult when you're bearing the brunt of it and can't get angry at anyone because it's no one's fault. It's a lifestyle that is intimately tied up with the job, and the only way to really change that is to either change jobs or partner, neither of which sounds like an option for you. I really feel for you.

However, while his job is always going to leave the main bulk of responsibility for children and family on your shoulders, and is always going to make it harder to have couple time, it is not a valid reason for you never getting to prioritise your own needs.

One of the first things you must do is make it a priority in your family budget to have a regular, reliable babysitter. If your marriage and your sanity are to get through this intact, you really need to carve out time to be you, not mum, not wife, not housekeeper, not employee. It's not an optional extra, it's vital. Childcare for you to maintain your friendships and pursue your own fulfilment is as essential to the health of your marriage as your provision of childcare is to your DH's ability to be both a father and do his job. Your DH really needs to get on board with that.

Good luck.

Sorry but it's pretty obvious that you are bored out your skull and no wonder, you have very little adult company, how dare he turn that on you as you wanting out the relationship, I'd love to see him manage doing what you are doing for a week never mind a month.

Ok, he can't change his shifts so you have to lean on the parents, his and yours, they are there for the wknds, that's what grandparents do, or with all the work he is doing pay for a sitter so you can actually have a life outside of the house. He should also realise to keep a relationship going you actually have to invest time in each other.

Thanks for the support :-)

I just feel massively indulgent asking people to help out for 'me' time... Husband working hard and I'm lumbering the kids on someone else so I can swan off having fun!! Doesn't feel right ....

You are working hard as well! Don't fall into the trap of thinking you're not just because you're not getting paid for it. And, as you say, your DH may be working hard, but at least he gets time at home on his own to relax - something you don't and which you badly need.

It's not indulgent - it's the secret to a happy life and a successful marriage.

It sounds like you are having a rough time, you are working all week and DH is wedded to the job. It was encouraging that you went for counselling, it shows you were both willing to put things right. Now things have soured again.

You are both putting enormous pressure on yourselves, to contribute, to establish family financial security, a future you both want instead of what is easy. Which is commendable, except when everything but work suffers. Life has to have balance - health, relationships, one-to-one time.

Is DH at least able to predict how long this round of night shifts will carry on for? If it is for his career, will promotion lead to reduction in unsociable hours?

At least a year until DS2 is at pre-school at which time the burden of paid childcare will ease but that is a long way off. Can you get a childminder arrangement to help with childcare?

Grandparents shouldn't be on call every weekend but ask if they could manage one weekend a month.

Scrap Christmas en masse at your house, you don't have time. Unless you issued the invitation, which I gather you didn't.

If you’re struggling with anxiety I think it's imperative to have regular guilt-free free time with friends. Get a babysitter whenever you feel like going out.

Are you moving enough each day, do you get natural sunlight and fresh air each day? Can you supplement your diet with Vitamin D and Vitamin B. They might help you feel better.

You say you're not sleeping properly, are you taking in too many stimulants (caffeine, sugar) and depressants (alcohol) during the week?

Maybe get an appointment with your GP or practice nurse, check your bp. It's not going to help if on top of everything, you fall ill.

How annoying, I posted then it disappeared!

The shift thing only started a month ago so will be for a few years at least. I can't bear to live like this for another week, let alone years...

I think he's pissed off with me and just wants me to man up... The other wives seem to cope okay, why not me?

I will cancel Christmas as I don't need the hassle and we will only him for a few hours each day anyway. I love his family but don't want to spend time with them flitting around me all day, and it will be "poor x, having to work blah blah"... Never mind us being left at home without him...

Wine is my very best friend

God, how come he had to do every Christmas shift? That sounds incredibly unfair. And yes, everyone will think he's a hero when actually you're the one working so hard to enable him to do that.

My ex husband is a police officer so I used to feel exactly like you do now.

I went part time and dropped to 3 days a week when we separated. I had far less money but enjoyed my life and children so much more. Would that be an option for you?

I've been full time again for the last year and I'm a single parent but seems so much more manageable now my dc are both at school.

I've just read that back
I meant is it an option for you go part time, not separate from your dh! Oops!

What's a 22-07 shift? 10pm - 7 am?

'My husband says I should as my parents to help out at the weekends but I feel that isn't their job'

Flash forward 20 years. How would you feel if your eldest suddenly burst into tears when you'd thought they were doing fine, said their life was utterly shit and they didn't know how to cope, and they hadn't asked you because 'it wasn't your job'?

Wouldn't you do things in a heartbeat for them? Don't you think your parents still care about you and want to help you?

There are also other weekend widows/widowers out there, I can guarantee it - look out for them. Start being honest about disliking the weekends and see who perks up - they are your allies. I still prefer the weeks to the weekends, and ds is 9 Ultimately you have GOT to stop the voice in your head that says anything other than being stretched to your absolute limit is not right.

Your DH needs to sort out his work.

Echoing what Imperial mentioned why does he have to work ALL Christmas period.
Him not knowing his family is coming for Christmas makes me think he doesn't plan things ahead.
Does he actually plan everything ahead?
Does he need to work overtime?

If he finishes work at 4am, why cant he pick them up after school.
If he finishes at 7am, why cant he drop them off to school.
Why do you have to leave the house/be tense because he 'needs his sleep'?

He has to work Christmas and NY because everyone else has booked it off and he 'didn't realise' he had to book it as holiday... He isn't good at planning...

I feel I need to leave the house so he can sleep - otherwise kids will wake him with their noise. A 10 pm till 7 am shift means he is knackered.

He does take kids to school when he can, but rarely leaves on time so if he finishes at say 5 pm then he definitely wouldn't make pickup in time.

I am going to work the numbers for part time working... DC2 gets 3 free sessions in January which will help... Then I need to get my work to agree.

Our life balance is all wrong as someone pointed out, our priority (wrongly) is work and that's not right :-(

Thanks for all the input x

I can understand you act as a buffer between DH and family/domestic stresses but if workers in emergency services get stress or burn out, I wonder how many spouses and families supporting them suffer too.

I know there are many professions where stress is a big drawback and it's his choice to work in the field he's in but the negative factors - scant family time, limited time off, and (sorry OP) next to no sex life - really threaten your marriage.

I should think he experiences fatigue and stress and maybe re-lives pressure moments or has flashbacks. But being angry at you, comparing you to other wives who cope - this is your life, not theirs, maybe they don't have a high pressure job like you do, maybe their DCs are older and more independent.

I just feel massively indulgent asking people to help out for 'me' time Whatever steps you take please don't feel you deserve any less consideration or acknowledgment.

Op, is your DH police ? Those shifts sound familiar. We have a thread going for police spouses on chat, i'll try and find the link

I've bumped it for you op - it's titled "any coppers wives wanna share moans with me"