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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice needed on sister's abusive behaviour towards mother and child

5 replies

Vinnyinny · 01/10/2013 13:46

Hi. It's quite tricky to write every detail of this down - it would take forever, so I am going to try, as succinctly as possible to put into words something I need some advice on.

My mum, my younger sister, and her DS (my nephew) all live in my mums house. My Dsis has a different father to me, who is dead and was emotionally abusive towards us. Physically towards my mum. He died when Dsis was 6, I was 13.

My Dsis is abusive. She shouts at her son regularly, she manhandles him at times. I don't think she hits him. I know she has kicked him once.

Her behaviour towards my mother is awful. I have watched her grab her and shout at her. She gets in her face and they argue constantly. When she was a child she kicked her and DM ended up in hospital with an injured hand. She has no job, no money, is clearly depressed. I am angry with her, but worried about her too. She won't take antiD's. I get almost daily phonecalls from my mum despairing at her mistreatment/neglect of her son (my DM looks after my DN most of the time as my Dsis stays out all night a number of times per week).

Phonecall this morning was distressing. My Dsis had threatened to punch DM, in front of DN. He went to school scared and crying because of her shouting. He apparently regularly goes to school crying and asking my mum to please tell his dad/the teacher that his mummy shouts.

His dad is lovely. Could no longer put up with the turbulence of his relationship with Dsis and now has a new girlfriend and lives with her. He doesn't know how to protect his son.

Having been through emotional abuse as I child, I am very clear that this poor boy (who is 5) need protecting from his mother (not necessarily taken away, but safeguarding in some way). More than that though, I want my mum to stay safe. She is 61 and doesn't need violent threats. She says she won't kick my Dsis out until my DN is safe.

I guess I'm asking does anyone have any advice or experience of how this can be done. His dad says he is saving up the money to try for a custody battle I guess, but I have a feeling that the threats of violence will turn into actual violence very soon. I have told DM to call the police when she is threatened. She is scared my Dsis will leave with my DN and that he will be frightened.

There is loads more, but this is getting very long. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 01/10/2013 13:59

I am very sorry for all involved.

Could you recommend WA to your DM? She may get help and advice from them.

Also, in terms of the impact on your DN, would you be able to have a chat in confidence with the NSPCC?

I have no advice, I am afraid, but I do hope someone else will.

(((Hug)))

LurcioLovesFrankie · 01/10/2013 14:11

So sorry you are having to deal with this. But actually, stepping back from all the conflicted loyalties and feelings of love you must have towards your sister (and I guess this is why you're asking on an internet forum: to get advice from people who're not emotionally invested in the situation) it's actually quite simple. What you are describing is horrendous and dangerous, and you should phone the NSPCC and social services. Yes, I'm afraid the fall out for you and your DM will be horrendous, but it's what needs to be done.

OvertiredandConfused · 01/10/2013 14:17

You need to protect first your DN and then your DM. When they are safe you can help your DSis, if she'll let you.

You must either contact NSPCC or maybe his father? If you get on okay with him he'd probably appreciate it and might help to keep the relationship going with DN longer term.

So sorry I don't have more wise words or experience. Take care

hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2013 14:21

I agree with calling Social Services.
She needs to be away from her son and your mother.
Your DN should be with his dad and his dad should NOT have to fight through the courts for custody.
Report it all now and get the ball rolling so your DN can be happy with his dad.
Does your sis take drugs at all? I'm thinking weed/cannabis here!?
Or maybe she needs to visit a GP and be tested for Bipolar or similar?
Either way - she is not being responsible at all for her own son and he needs to be with his dad - pronto!

Vinnyinny · 01/10/2013 14:26

Thanks. You are right. Asking on here helps get me clarity of mind so I can act appropriately without too much emotion involved. Social services have been involved before and regard my DM as the one protecting DN. They said he wasn't at immediate risk, and closed the case. I think things have changed since then. My Dsis has had some very tough times and made some very silly mistakes. She has always been rescued by my DM. My DM has had enough, but can't see my DN move out as she won't be able to protect him.

I'm going to ring the NSPCC later today when I'm home from work. I'm going to give my DM the WA number too. Writing it all down has made me realise how bad it all is.

It's also (selfishly) bringing back terrible memories of my own childhood. I know exactly how scared DN is and I want to take him away from it all Hmm

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