My mother died in May 2006 and by the end of the year my father was already in a relationship with a new woman: a friend he had known for some time prior to my mother's death. At the time neither I nor any of my 3 siblings had children and our new stepmother seemed OK. Not the wildly intelligent, erratic woman my mother was but perhaps our father needed someone more stable.
However, after they married things began to change. Our stepmother would withdraw when we visited, either physically or simply by being unresponsive in social situations. My father, who had once been so keen to have grandchildren that he offered to move in with us (we live 300 miles from him) to help us out, has spent so little time with my daughter (now 4) that she does not recognise him in photographs.
His wife sulks (refuses to speak at all or eat) if he does anything without her. When I speak to him on the phone it must either be on the speaker, so that she can monitor his conversation, or he speaks very briefly and hurriedly, so it is nearly impossible to broach this subject with him.
When I visit (I cannot bring my husband with me as my stepmother dislikes him intensely and has made this clear), she now does not acknowledge my existence - even queries as to whether she might like a cup of tea are met with a stony silence. My other siblings can hold a conversation with her, briefly, but she has taken exception to me. She ignores my daughter too, even when, on my last visit, she fell over in the house and hit her head. Because of the sulking, my father cannot spend any prolonged stretches of time with us. He must go to bed early, with her, and has a roster of tasks to complete.
My father knows that his wife is unwell but told me once that she has refused all offers of treatment. She "does not want to take pills."
When I was growing up my father's father also refused to acknowledge our existence - he disliked my mother a great deal. When we visited, we had to camp nearby and not enter his home beyond the kitchen. I cannot remember his face and struggle to recall even his name. I don't want to see this happen again.
Is there any way out of the situation?