I don't think I have ever loved DH and I don't think he has ever loved me.
We met quite soon after I moved to a new job in the midlands, 2.5hrs drive away from my family in the North.
He had only had one girlfriend before me and had confidence issues after severe acne as a teen and I think he was flattered by our friendship and pursued a relationship with me, I think I was insecure after a long relationship (from the age of 18-23) with a very 'laddish' man (think daily sport reading, lager drinking, lairy misogynistic football fanatic) who I think may have been the cause of some self esteem issues for me. DH was completely different, no interest in football, a good job (teacher), no interest in getting drunk every weekend and more respectful to women.
I think I was so glad to meet someone 'nice' that even though I had alarm bells about the relationship (he would get very angry about really small things, he had no patience, his face in repose is a scowl, he was quite boring, not effusive with his emotions at all, not much interest in physical affection (I have often felt very rejected), he always wanted things his own way etc), I guess I felt lucky and that I would never be able to do any 'better'. So when he asked me to move in with him, I did. Then not so long after, he proposed and I accepted. Writing all this down makes me now think what the hell was I thinking, I would not make those decisions now and I am so sad for that person I was 6 years ago where I felt this was what I should be happy with. On our wedding day, he deliberately said something in his speech which I had asked him not to (when I asked him not to mention this particular thing, he said 'It'll be too late by then', I thought he was joking). It embarrassed my family and I was so upset. He was also huffy and cross with me when I had to sit down during the wedding disco - I was 12weeks pregnant and had horrendous all day morning sickness but he didn't care. He then fell asleep on our wedding night without so much of a cuddle or anything. Same the morning of the next day in the beautiful bridal suite, it could have been any other morning at home when he was in a bit of a mood.
I come from a very easy going family, my Dad is the most gentle good natured, intelligent man you could ever hope to meet. My mum is too. I think this is why I'm struggling.
He loves our DC's to bits but can be short with them, he isn't very warm with them (eg I have had to prompt him (which makes him angry that I have said anything) to smile at them and cuddle them when he comes in from work), he can be impatient, doesn't like the untidyness that comes with two young children (he admits he could have OCD and likes everything just so. We have had many discussions about patience etc and he is trying but I can still see his temper bubbling under the surface which makes for an unpleasant atmosphere. I guess it doesn't help that his job is very stressful and he has a lot of work to do at home.
His family also visit us ALL the time, which would be great if they weren't so dysfunctional themselves. His mum is abusive to his dad who just allows her to be like that (eg telling him, in front of everyone to 'shut up, no one wants to hear what you've got to say, hitting him in full view of people), I also belive she might have been physically abusive to DH as a child, eg 'shaking' him as a baby when rocking him to sleep wouldn't work, strangling him around the neck when he was disobediant etc - these are just a couple of the things she has mentioned).
I told DH that if his parents behaved like that in front of our children then I wouldn't allow them to see them. To their credit, they have stopped behaving like this in front of DC's, but at the back of my mind I still know what they are like and I am wary of them. I make sure there is never any reason for them to be alone with DC's, not that any of them know I am consciously doing this.
I don't want my DC's to think that this is an example of a normal relationship. There is no real affection, tiny things spark the most silly arguments (I am the least argumentative person you could ever meet but I constantly feel I have to stand up for myself and the children). He says can't I just forget about things in the past but there are so many things that are like open wounds, eg he refused to learn to drive even though I was heavily pg and later had preeclampsia and a c-section, then I was still expected to drive even though DC1 was waking through the night an I was exhausted. Also hospital trips for DC1, long journeys for family stuff when I have only had a handful of broken hours sleep I have always had to drive. I had to force him to learn when I became pg with DC2. Even though he can drive now, he still refuses to drive anywhere. This has all really upset my Dad, I have had to stop my Dad confronting DH. My Dad says he feels like DH didn't look after his little girl when she needed it the most and I just felt like DH didn't care about me. My parents have zero respect for DH now after various similar things. One other thing that really hurts is that I had CO poisoning when I was pg with DC1 from a faulty gas fire, DH did not care, he was just angry that the gas had to be cut off.
He says all these things are in the past now but I just can't get over them (and other small things too but this post is getting a bit too long!), he is trying really hard with his patience and temper and trying to seem more friendly and day to day things are mostly OK, he is good around the house (thanks to his OCD) but there doesn't feel like there is any love there, and DC's will probably be able to feel that too.
I am feeling homesick for the love and warmth of my lovely family back up North, they have said they will support me whatever I decide but they really have no time for him now. I feel like life is so short, my family aren't getting any younger and would it be better for the children to be surrounded by guaranteed warmth and cheeriness with me and my family in the North but without DH, who they do adore.
DC1 is at a wonderful preschool down here in the midlands which he loves, but we hardly know anyone around here so there wouldn't be many ties to break. I haven't the first idea how we could leave though, I do work and there is a 1 bedroomed house for rent in my parent's village which looks OK, I could fit DC's cot and toddler bed in there with a single bed for me. There wouldn't be room for us to stay at my parents' house long term unfortunately. I worry about my job though, there is talk of redundancy possibly next spring.
Is it bad enough to leave DH? He is trying but old hurts and this undercurrent of tension, and a lack of love are always there. Would I be crazy to leave our nice little house (we only moved in last year) and make the DC's live essentially in poverty but with more love in their lives? I don't know how we would survive. Is it unreasonable for me to do this to them? I just want to feel loved and cherished, DH just doesn't feel this way about me.
One last thing, every time I tell someone my name (my married name) I feel a little bit of sadness wash over me. I just feel so detached from him.
I don't know what to do