Anyone else avoiding dealing with stuff brought up at relate?

[dinglefeckingscarecrow]

Because it flipping hurts?

DP and I went earlier in the year and made good progress, I thought. I had started to believe the relationship was doomed because we were stuck in a cycle of both being disrespectful at times, the key difference being I take full responsibility for my part, strive to call myself on it, apologise if out of order and move on, DP doesn't always see/do this, and sees only me with a problem, iyswim.

The counsellor reminded me that DP is a good man and we worked on various issues identified in therapy, spent more time with each other and I fell in love with him again which was a surprise as I had been ready to end things.

However I then went back on my own as we identified I've been suffering from a bit of secondary PTSD through helping my sister with a lot of trauma, and also had a concern about my DS. We had a positive session around this.

Then, right at the end of the session, the counsellor hit me really hard by bringing up how disrespectfully DP speaks to me sometimes, and that I just sit back and take it, where were my boundaries?

This floored me as feels like something I've been working on for years, and had lots of therapy in the past and had actually felt I had stood up for myself in therapy situation and that bringing DP to relate was evidence in itself that I wasn't taking things lying down. It really, really hurt to hear this, I've clearly not made the progress I thought I had.

She also said something else which I can't remember correctly as found hard to take in/understand, along the lines of that it wasn't her place to expose it/pull him on it at the time and there was only so much she could do. I left in tears and feeling really raw (which I seemed to do each time before as well, not sure whether this is right?).

We'd left it open for me or us to go back, but I've not been back because it's too bloody hard and now I feel I right wimp. Did talk to DP about it but feel he just kind of dismissed it. We're now just back in daily routine stuff, things are better than they were, but this is definately a big elephant in the room for me. What to do?

Anyone else identify with this?

I think what she's saying is that you can't change his behaviour, only your response. That's not the same as saying you haven't made progress or that you're at fault in some way. If he's disrespectful and dismissive when you attempt to tackle him about it then no amount of counselling is going to change that.

Are you in tears because you realise there's not much future in this?

I hope you don't hear too much from the LTB brigade, but people almost always do on this board.

I can identify with what you're saying. DH is suffering from depression and having counselling, which is bringing up things about our relationship, but I don't really know what is said because I'm not there. Sometimes we talk about stuff, most of the time we avoid it. It's a bit grim really.

Sorry that you're going through this too JohnnyUtah.

Cogito I was in tears that time because it's really hard to hear that you haven't got effective boundaries in place, when you've been working really hard to overcome that. It feels like that is never going to go away and it's so important for my DC. It's devastating actually, becasue it's the one thing I want for them, more than anything.

FWIW I went in prepared for a split, I just wanted support in talking things through and aiming to reach an amicable agreement. I had already got to the point where I'd accepted I could only change myself etc.

It was confusing because on one hand she was encouraging me to see he is a good man (her words) and that gave me hope and brought us together. It feels like a mixed message that later saying she is disrespectful, but I guess I don't know if my boundaries are still fucked and that is making me feel hopeless, but I'm probably just having a bad day.

that later she is saying rather

I'm a bit taken aback about a counsellor making any kind of judgement that a client is a 'good man' and although I wouldn't query her judgement that your DP talks to you disrespectfully if she observed this or he endorsed your complaints about it in the sessions, this sounds to me like a very weak counsellor who cannot cope with conflict if it means confronting a man about his behaviour.

It would have been much more helpful if any disrespect and your boundaries around it had been discussed in the joint sessions.

So, don't dismiss her observations. They might have some weight to them. But I wouldn't be in a rush to return to a counsellor who operates in this way. It's not the first time I've heard that some of them behave differently when there's a man in the room.

Leavenheath thank you, that is what I've been thinking. I just don't know where to go now or what to do next. But thank you for acknowledging that.

"it's really hard to hear that you haven't got effective boundaries in place, when you've been working really hard to overcome that"

If it was a healthy relationship you probably wouldn't need to be thinking in terms of boundaries at all. He should respect you for who you are and behave accordingly, not you have to put up boundaries to make his behaviour acceptable.

Have you thought about trying someone other than Relate? I see that organisation slated on here too often for it to be a coincidence.

I think this is hard. Who is the counsellor to tell you that you need different personal boundaries? All relationships are different and what is perfectly acceptable to one woman is not to another. There is not necessarily a right or wrong.

Glad it's not just me that thinks it's hard!

Not sure where else to try, any recommendations in the West Sussex area?