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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why am I such an arse over a toxic man?

22 replies

Beccaloolah · 30/09/2013 20:23

Sorry to bore those who may well have read this before from me but it is still doing my head in..

In a nutshell split in March from partner after 13 years - whores and some slag in the office made me leave. Moved out two weeks ago after house sold.

Got close to another chap - who is a player (told me his girlfriend was his PA and some blonde) but it was fun and I trusted him with reasons for split and he was helpful with advice etc.

Then ex confronted him in the street blaming him for our split!! So I was blamed and binned as a mate by new pal. Angry with ex for controlling who I can be friends with and totally angry with this guy for being such a fuckin' coward and not staying friends with me which is what he promised he would be when I moved. Totally knocked my confidence again, and totally made me question the entire friendship with this guy.

Anyway, I've not contacted him for a month but have been perfectly polite when I see him (a wave) or a hello when I walk past him (which can be twice a week).

Anyway, against better judgment, I bloody well emailed him two hours ago and have been ignored. And I knew he would ignore me and I knew it would send me back to angsty hell.

Why do I do this to myself???

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 20:26

Sorry, Becca, but not sure how many sincere replies you will get after blaming "whores and some slag in the office" for the the fact that your ex is an unfaithful fuckwit.

ParsleyTheLioness · 30/09/2013 20:50

I feel a bit sad that you see other women as the enemy....

queenbitchapparently · 30/09/2013 20:52

Yep I stopped paying attention at whores and slags sorry.

scallopsrgreat · 30/09/2013 20:54

No woman is a whore or a slag. He is the one with the problem. Stop deflecting his behaviour onto other people.

And disengage. No more waving talking or emails.

However, I feel all this is going to fall on deaf ears.

Raggydoll · 30/09/2013 20:57

Not sure of back story but there are def a few whores/slags in the world as there are arse / fuckwits !

LoopThePoop · 30/09/2013 21:01

What did you mail him?
I don't understand really.

Original poster

Beccaloolah · 30/09/2013 21:06

I'm sorry but when did a prostitute stop being a whore?

He routinely paid for sex with women in this country and all over the world (even when we were on holiday with our son). And it was going on for the entire 13 years of our relationship.

The woman in the office has had affairs with FOUR married men - so forgive me for not being her fan!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 21:13

So why are you blaming these women ?

Your partner "made you leave" with his behaviour...not the "whores and slags"

HerdyHerdwick · 30/09/2013 21:19

Is it possible that this guy is something of a red herring and that actually there's something else going on here?
I remember a couple of your previous threads about him, and you do seem to be rather fixated on him, especially as nothing happened between you.
Coukd it be that you're focusing on this guy instead of going through the feelings about the loss of your relationship ? Even bad relationships need some grieving.

Original poster

Beccaloolah · 30/09/2013 21:21

I'm not blaming these women. There seems to be some kind of misunderstanding that I blame anyone other than my ex for why I left him. Though for three years I blamed myself and it took three years of counselling to have the confidence to leave.

I meant his love of paid-for sex and having sex with someone in the office that wasn't the mother of his child was the reason I left.
I summed it up badly because I'm at work, people are around me who might read things over my shoulder and they work with my ex, I've been up since 5am with my son, I'm typing quickly, furtively and I wanted some advice because I've stupidly fallen for the first twunt that came along.

But hey.

OP posts:

Original poster

Beccaloolah · 30/09/2013 21:26

Yes Herdy, I have been fixated on him. He was a fun distraction during a very difficult six months of my life and then the contact stopped.

I have very low self-esteem and lack an enormous amount of confidence after such a controlling relationship. It felt like this guy was helping me overcome that but then just walked away as it was too much trouble so I've just questioned my judgment all over again.

I am quite lonely at times - and have been very lonely for the best part of five years since my son was born and my ex worked nights so was alone a lot then.

Outwardly, I appear confident. I have very bright pink hair for starters but really just feel like a very lost soul with a scary future alone.

OP posts:

Leavenheath · 30/09/2013 21:26

Look, there's a link between the way you describe women and your involvement with this bloke who was trying to cheat on his girlfriend. Since when was a woman impressed by a man who described his PA as 'some blonde'?

Your husband is a misogynist who used prostituted women. His relationship with them was totally unequal in power terms. Contain any judgements about sexual incontinence to him, as far as those transactions are concerned. The only time the power dynamics were equal was when he had a sexual relationship with the woman in the office. In that interaction alone, both were as bad as one another in terms of their sexual morals. But in terms of the past, his predilection for buying sex quite frankly trumps her affair tally, in the morality stakes.

Now for the sympathy, because I can imagine how devastated and hurt you are and how some of this anger is probably getting poorly expressed because of your pain.

Take time out now, lick your wounds, leave men alone for a while. Gather your women friends around you and heal. Get some therapy, maybe. You've had a really rough time of it.

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 21:27

OK, fair enough, love. I think if you read your opening post you will see what we mean.

This all sounds very dramarama to me. Can you try a period of time where you stay single and perhaps get some help in finding out why you seem unable to go no contact with someone who is so patently bad for you.

Leavenheath · 30/09/2013 21:28

Posted before I saw your replies. Bear that in mind while you read please.

HerdyHerdwick · 30/09/2013 21:36

The thing is, as you probably know, you're vulnerable at the moment because of your previous relationship. I know how hard it is to take a break from dating and relationships when you feel very lonely, but the advice from AF and Leavenheath is spot on.

Original poster

Beccaloolah · 30/09/2013 21:48

This is all probably going to sound wrong too but because I have been in such a stagnant fucked-up relationship for so long, it's like I've been single and not dating for a long time. Ex and I have had separate lives for five years (mainly me being a mum and him living like a single bloke).

The new guy/friend was like a reawakening to what I thought it could/should be like. I was flattered to be liked/found attractive and funny for the first time in many, many years so it hurts that he walked away.

I think I reach out to him for some kind of glimmer that I didn't make it all up.

Yes, you're right I am vulnerable right now and I do need some therapy to stay away from those who are not good for me.

OP posts:

Leavenheath · 30/09/2013 22:01

But love, in forming a relationship with you, he was being outrageously disrespectful to his girlfriend. I know he lied to you about her being his PA but the way he described a person who was meant to be working for him was so horrible, dismissive and misogynist, that should have been an especially scarlet red flag.

Compliments and attention from men like that are not worth having.

Have a think about getting some therapy then. You need to heal and build up your radar. It's hardly surprising it's fucked, is it?

Lozislovely · 30/09/2013 22:44

Hmm, I might get flamed but I can sympathise.

Having got out of a 20 year relationship this year with a cheating ex-H, my self esteem has been at an all time low for many years.

'Friend' who told me 4 years ago that he had always fancied me (I didn't reciprocate at the time) contacted me recently with ideas of taking things further (I also thought he must be delirious).

Now as someone who has never had a bloke fancy her, this tickled my fancy big time, and yes I gave him the lead he needed and after a date of prolonged and warm fuzzy snogging, he spent the night at mine a few weeks ago.

Fast forward to today and apart from the odd message things have been 'cool' on his part.

For the first couple of days I was longing for the next shag, checked phone every 5 minutes, but now I can see that I was as willing as he was, we both got what we wanted (though it was far from earth shattering) and the realisation is there for me that the lust was just pure lust.

I realise now the perhaps I was swept along by someone being remotely attracted to me and went for it. In hindsight, we were never going to fall madly in love and live happily ever after but at the time it was great.

Now I know I am worth more than a one night shag and a snog (oh the snog was good) and I also know that eventually I will meet someone who lights my fire and is there for the long haul.

Stop beating yourself up, concentrate on you and everything else will fall into place, maybe not right away, but it will

AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 22:54

Why would you be flamed, Loz ? That was a great post. We can all sympathise, many of us have been treated badly by blokes.

Seeing other women as the enemy though, and deliberately sabotaging your recovery needs pointing out. I would have liked someone to put me right, when I was being an idiot because of a man.

Moxiegirl · 30/09/2013 22:56

Can't see past whores and slags sorry

ALittleStranger · 30/09/2013 23:01

Agree with all the other posters. Also you're stressing out because this man has not replied to an email within two hours? That is irrational.

Also, he is well within his rights not to respond to you, if he doesn't. Most emotionally healthy people recognise drama and try not to get involved. This isn't behaviour you should criticise, it's something you should try to emulate.

Lozislovely · 30/09/2013 23:10

Thanks AF. I have to admit that for a while I did extend a little anger towards the OW (they were all prostitutes) but I then re-directed my anger at ex-h - it was him pure and simple and I realise now that it had nothing to do with my jelly belly, saggy boobs etc., feeling worthless - it was all him.

Becca - you are worth so much more and I think perhaps you do need counselling or at least consider 'grieving' - treat these men as bereaved and move on, your life will be so much better once you do.

I actually pity my ex-h now and my ONS, am enjoying time finding me again, oh and very much raising my standards, even if that means I have a long wait til the right one comes along

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