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Relationships

Is it really that bad...because I feel like I want to boot him out

231 replies

EllieInTheRoom · 30/09/2013 20:06

I've been a lurker for months and posted once when I first found MN. Ive had to create a new account for this though as I couldn't remember what I'd registered under.

I'm in danger of either massively over reacting or massively under reacting and I would like some advice from some of you wise MNetters to probably do something in between.

I'll try and keep it as short as possible, sorry if it ends up dragging on...

DH and I have had issues for a couple of years now. Particularly during my pregnancy and in the first year or DS's life. He's 18 months now. DH was just a total selfish twunt, like many others probably. Very unsupportive, moody, downright mean on occasions. He also rediscovered porn and as a result we didn't have sex for 20 months. Last Christmas we nearly broke up but decided to try and work it out.

But then another issue came up, which was his work. He is self employed and works hard but dictates his own hours. For the first year of DS's life, he worked way too much and was out most nights. Infact, he was only at home for 47 evenings . I counted on the calendar once. He saw DS for a few hours every morning but because he was never home at night it meant 1) I could never go out with friends or to the gym, 2) I never got a break from the early mornings or sleep disturbance 3) it was hard to get my own work done and 4) I felt very lonely, we never saw each other and I felt our relationship wasn't recovering because of this, it is still very strained. To me anyway, he thinks its fine.

Two months ago, I snapped and said I couldn't go on and things had to change because I refused to live like this any longer. I said we didn't need money that much and laid down some rules. He had to have at least one day off a week, one weekend day a month and two evenings at home a week.

He stuck to it for six weeks. On Friday, he told me that this week he would be out every night working again, but quickly added that he had booked this week before my rules were implemented so he couldn't do anything about it. Then he proceeded to boast about the number of days off he had taken the last six weeks, how good he's been and suggested we have sex to celebrate as we haven't it for a while and tried to get me to thank him. I got annoyed at the time that he expected praise for a basic relationship requirement and forgot to ask the reasons why he had to work.

Anyway, I asked him today. He immediately went on the defensive and told me I never listen, it's impossible to tell me anything. He'd booked the work two months ago. I asked him what and which days and he said Thurs/Fri. It turns out the work he is doing tonight and tomorrow was definitely changeable and would only have been booked last week. I know this because I did the same work for the same people and still do sometimes.

I know for a fact he could have looked at his calendar last week, seen that he was working every night and decided to pass the work on to colleagues, which would have been easy because they all want more work. He didnt want to because he is in a mood with two of the guys he works with and didnt want to give them the extra.

So he has reneged on the agreement because of a stupid mood. I'll be on my own all week, struggling to get my own work done - ive a really busy week ahead - and look after DS

I know it might not seem the worst crime in the world but I feel like telling him to pack his bags. I resent the fact he tried to bluster over it by saying I don't listen to him to distract me from finding out the truth.

We didnt speak for an hour while I mulled over it. Then he started being really nice and sweet and went to work. I havent said my piece yet because I don't know what to say. Very often what would happen is it will just get left and add to the mountain of resentment, which is a permanent fixture in our front room and has a lovely decorative elephant on top of it.

How bad is it really? Thank you, if you've managed to get this far

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EllieInTheRoom · 30/09/2013 22:46

I will, thanks for the advice

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AnyFucker · 30/09/2013 22:50

keep in touch x

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MistyGee · 01/10/2013 07:19

My ExP was like this, totally checked out while I did everything for DS. Made out I was an unreasonable nag for wanting him to help/spend time with us. Blamed me for being a nag, made me feel like someone I'm not. He used to get aggressive when I pleaded for him to be home with us.
When DS was 8mo I asked him to leave.
I've never regretted it. You sound lovely and I don't think you're overreacting. FWIW Ds is 5, gets on great with his dad and life is much better now. He also has to make time for DS when he has him by himself.
Take the power back! Take care. Xx

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JoinYourPlayfellows · 01/10/2013 07:27

He's already escalated to the physical.

Pushing someone up against the wall is violent and meant to intimidate.

There is no reason to think that someone who would do that wouldn't use any other kind violence against you.

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Jan45 · 01/10/2013 13:16

Where the equality, where is the team work, where is the friendship, these are all basics for a good relationship so you are hardly asking for the world. Sounds like he's never home and it's not even out of necessity but choice. He dismisses your unhappiness as not important. I think he knows you won't do or go anywhere, it's about time he got a little shock of what you are actually about.

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EllieInTheRoom · 01/10/2013 13:35

I read the last couple of comments and I immediately thought "oh no, I've exaggerated it, he is at home enough, I've been unfair" but then I looked through the calendar and he has been home two days a week since my rules and taken an extra day off. But god, it's felt like much more because I was used to not having him here, and he actually drives me potty. Careful what you wish for eh!

but teamwork and friendship are pretty absent i would say. We get on well sometimes but we had a rare night out last month and it really was awful. He ruined it by complaining about every place we went to and wanting to go home early, but bought me a bottle of champagne, probably so I couldn't moan.

Last night he came home and I was sleeping in the spare room, he didnt question it as I had already said I was going to because he has a cold and blows his nose ridiculously loudly about ten times a night. I don't intend to move back to our bed though.

When this week is out of the way and I have hit my deadlines, I will say what I need to say.

This morning he felt badly done too because I wasn't paying his illness any attention. But then he thanked me for being a "wonderful mother to DS" before he left. Then MIL turned up to drop something off and started banging on about how hard he works.

I want to vom!!

Thanks for the support x

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EllieInTheRoom · 01/10/2013 13:48

thanks misty, glad it worked out OK for you x

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Jan45 · 01/10/2013 13:55

It doesn't matter a jot how wonderful others perceive him, read your post, it's not pleasant, you don't seem to get any support of him at all, ever.

If he can't give you the basics then you are never going to be happy with the situation and the elephant will be back time and time again.

Does he actually have a clue that it's you that is keeping the family unit together and doing all the work too, big deal, he goes to work, that's about all his contribution to family life is.

I hope you can get through to him, you shouldn't have to ask for your partner to actually be your partner.

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ParsleyTheLioness · 02/10/2013 09:49

Ellie I used to think that if only I explained things in the right way he would get it, and stop doing various things. I spent 20 yrs doing it. He never did get it, or he did, but he didn't want to change. He had a nice life whilst mine was a bit shit...ringing any bells?
XMIL was good at saying how hard all her boys worked. The dils all worked, but what we did was irrelevant, cos we had no willy...all the boys have a love/hate relationship with her, and carry that power struggle into their relationships. There was even a power struggle over what we called the remote control for the tv.... Fortunately, he is someone else's arsehole DH now...

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EllieInTheRoom · 10/10/2013 20:44

So Ive decided to revisit this thread, because it helped me a lot and I feel like I need re-validating if that makes sense.

We've just got back from a three day holiday. We booked it earlier in the year and it was supposed to be time away, just the two of us, to reignite the flame. However, my DM, who was supposed to be babysitting, recently fell and injured her back so we took DS with us at the last minute.

I was very apprehensive as when we went on holiday in the summer there was an awful argument the night before we set off. OH had been working until late and I had had a very big day at work. Stressful but also hugely exciting. it meant when he got home I was still knee deep in laundry trying to pack. He was horrible because he had wanted to go straight to bed and made me cry a lot. All the excitement of the day and the holiday completely disappeared. He spent the entire week saying how it was the best holiday ever but I just felt numb.

Sure enough on Monday night, OH arrived home from work and I was still trying to get organised. I gave him the job of printing off the tickets and he couldn't work the printer. Cue lots of huffing and puffing and an atmosphere.

The entire three days were peppered with tensions. He refused to set the alarm as early as I wanted and we nearly missed the flight. On one of the nights, DS's milk fell out of the bag and exploded all over the hotel lobby which was of course my fault. I apparently let him have his dummy too much (he was very tired and I didn't want him to be crying for it in the restaurant when I felt it was unnecessary). That argument was repeated a lot. He felt we were spending too much. An argument over what food to get DS. An argument because when we stopped to get DS an ice cream I wanted one too but he didn't want me to because we would be having dinner shortly. I could go on.

The big one though was because he had arranged to work a shift tonight when we got back. He told me this morning that he would have to go straight there from the airport. That meant he took the car and me and DS had to get the train home.

When I protested he said he had no choice, we are not saving any money at the moment as I have had a few (temporary) glitches with my business during the summer and he "is going to have to work until he is 90". The upshot of it is that I am the arsehole for arguing with him about it.

To be honest, I have come to terms with the fact that the big thing I am waiting for, the excuse to leave, is never going to happen. I am always going to be made to feel like the arsehole. I don't mind any more. I now have to figure out a few financial things and then I can go. I am worried it is going to take a long time though as I feel I have a bit of a financial obligation towards him. I know I will be seen as the selfish one when I leave, I can cope with that but I don't want to be accused of being a money grabber as well.

Please tell me though that our holiday is not what would happen in a normal relationship? I know taking a toddler on a mini break is stressful and could cause a few squabbles, but surely this wasn't normal?

Sorry for such a long post

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totallydone · 10/10/2013 21:02

Not a normal holiday at all in fact it sounds positively hellish to be honest. The taking of the car at the airport is just so unbelievably selfish.
Get your shit together sort your finances and get out of there. In fact get HIM out of there.
Perhaps get to see a solicitor for some legal advice before you say anything to him but whatever you do get rid of him
He is not going to change--and he is NOT a good dad. A good dad would not treat the mother of his DS is such a way, would want to spend a whole lot of time with his DS not just an hour here and there and who would make sure his DS got home safely from holiday anad not leave him to get a taxi and no doubt all the luggage home

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Spelt · 10/10/2013 21:12

He had a go at you because you wanted an ice cream? On holiday? Confused

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Howsuper · 10/10/2013 21:25

You don't need an excuse to leave him. You don't need validation from us. He's making you extremely unhappy and he knows that - and he doesn't care. Personally I think he is having an affair, or several affairs. But it's neither here nor there. I think you should plough ahead with those plans to leave x

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AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 21:26

It sounds like you don't even like each other any more. He went straight to work from the airport and left you to get public transport ? I have never heard the like !

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AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 21:27

I don't believe he went to the work at all, however.

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AmberLeaf · 10/10/2013 21:42

You sound very unhappy and that is all the reason you need to end it.

I too think he is having an affair/s.

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EllieInTheRoom · 10/10/2013 21:44

I know how it sounds. And I would be thinking the same thing and I have questioned whether I am being naive. But I know his work, I know the people he works with as I do that work myself, it's part of my business. So I know he is at work.

Ive done the snooping, there is no affair. Im sure of it. Part of me would like there to be as horrible as that sounds. You know I have been looking for a reason.

I dont understand it myself.

Most of the time, I think he cannot love me because of the way he acts. But for example on holiday, we would have one of these rows. It will be swept under the carpet, then he will start joking around, try and kiss or cuddle me and wonders why I can't do the same. So then it's me being the unreasonable, unforgiving one. That's what confuses the hell out of me and makes me feel like I am wrong. Like I've imagined it all.

It's by the by. I will go. I'm thinking about the financial side. It's not like we are poor but he feels we should have a bigger pot of savings for various reasons and it is my fault it has diminished over the last year. I feel like I have to make sure I leave him with a certain amount so he can't say I've spent all his money. It's complicated. I feel like I need advice in that side of things really. Maybe I'll write it down.

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EllieInTheRoom · 10/10/2013 21:47

Not quite spelt, he went to order DS one, I asked him to get me a scoop, he returned with just the one for DS saying I wasn't getting one because we were having dinner later. I was boiling mad, he always tries to control me like that, and I didn't want to let him get away with it. Row ensued. Low and behold, I'm the deranged woman-child who had a strop because she couldn't have an ice cream!

Grrrrrrrrr!!

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EllieInTheRoom · 10/10/2013 21:51

The ice cream row sounds so ridiculously petty, I am almost ashamed to complain about it given there are so many women on here with actually really horrible things happening to them!

Thanks

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AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 22:29

Ice cream-gate is just an illustration of his contempt for you

Perhaps the time has come to seek legal advice. Your way forward may look clearer when you know what is what.

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EllieInTheRoom · 10/10/2013 22:47

Yeah I think so too. Although I am not if it would help me with my financial dilemma. It's more of a moral one.

Basically, the savings pot is all his from the sale of a house. We rent at the moment. The proceeds from the sale went towards paying off joint debts and then the rest into a savings account which we were supposed to be adding to this year. But things haven't gone to plan and they have depleted. I haven't been completely honest with him how much as money has always caused big arguments. I am to blame for a lot of it as my business struggled in the summer. To be honest, I just thought i didn't need to tell him all of it because by the end of the year it should be back up to the right amount.

I realise I've been stupid and a dishonest too. But it makes me worry about leaving straight away as I would have to admit it.

I'm in a bit of a hole. I feel awful about it

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EllieInTheRoom · 10/10/2013 22:49

To be clear, I haven't been stealing, but I look after all the finances, our accounts are joint and when we have been short because we haven't been getting paid on time, I've used the money we did have and not told him all the time

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AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 22:52

Ah. Yes, you will have to come clean, love. See a solicitor. Don't let it be the reason for you to stay with someone who makes you unhappy. Any costs to him can be offset, with correct legal advice. I am sure you will feel better if you consult an expert.

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EllieInTheRoom · 10/10/2013 23:17

Yeah, you're right. Again AF!!
Thanks.

If we got a divorce he wouldn't be able to walk away with the full pot anyway would he. Im pretty sure my motivation and work has been affected by all this anyway, I actually think my earnings would go up if we split anyway. I'd have more freedom to work.

Right onwards and upwards. although there may be another blip and I'll have to come back whingeing again.

Thanks to everyone for your input
X

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AnyFucker · 10/10/2013 23:18

You are not whingeing Thanks

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