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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I imagining it?

46 replies

Looking4support · 30/09/2013 15:47

Hi, this is my first time posting and Ive never done this before but I could really could do with some advice.

I've been married five years, and we have a daughter who is 4 years old, but im starting to believe my wife might not be interested in me. And to be perfectly honest, it does not feel like we are lovers. More like friends. After a number of years of wondering, I really need some advice to help us both. We rarely argue, but I don't think we can live together like this any longer.

I really love her and she says she loves me too, but we sleep in different rooms and have not had sex for over 2 years. I've asked her if she is seeing someone else, or is thinking of it, however she gets angry with me for making such a suggestion. She really doesn't go out often (through her own choice) and has quite a small circle of friends.

This might seem crazy, but recently I started to believe that she might be gay. Mostly its the way she interacts with women... But she watches tv programmes i would not expect her to watch, and recently on holiday, she was seriously flirting with a woman who was quite clearly gay.

When I was looking for something a few days ago I found some lesbian fiction books in her bedside cabinet. I really don't how to approach this with her and i certainly dont want to start following or checking up on her.

I really dont have a big circle of friends either, and i wondered if i should broaden my circle of friends to introduce her to somebody like minded? I We live in South Yorkshire

OP posts:

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/09/2013 16:49

You can't help your wife if you don't know what she needs or wants. If you are starting to think she might be gay then you need to talk to her about that. I think that's what I would do first

Dahlen · 30/09/2013 16:51

Your last post seems quite enlightening. This isn't about her sexual orientation at all. It's about you not wanting to feel like, or be seen as, the person who broke up the marriage. That's a very, very common reaction to a failing relationship where no one wants to be responsible for calling it a day.

Unfortunately, it's not a wise move. It seems important to you now, but objectively it is irrelevant. It doesn't matter who ends it. If it's not working and you can't fix it, it's not working and you can't fix it. The wider world won't care who spoke the words "I want a divorce."

Your wife may, certainly, but if she's going to hold it against you for the rest of your life without ever acknowledging her part in the marriage breakdown, that should confirm your choice to end the marriage rather than encourage you to stay.

Being separated from the other parent of your child is no barrier to being a great parent if both parents are willing to put the child first and ensure time and consistency.

BillyBanter · 30/09/2013 16:59

The problem is that she always tells me it does have a future and if i simply walk away, it may seriously damage my relationship with my daughter.

What else does she say?

Original poster

Looking4support · 30/09/2013 17:09

Reading between the lines, I get the impression that her family will take a very dim view on me just walking out on her.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 30/09/2013 17:14

Does that matter?

If no one would blame you, no one would judge you, if your wife would accept this stoically, if you could slip into a good co-parenting arrangement which suits both of you and your children would you still be in this marriage tomorrow?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/09/2013 17:15

Families invariably close ranks when marriages break down. Doesn't matter how badly someone behaves, family will always thing it's the other person's fault. So that's not a good reason for staying.

HerdyHerdwick · 30/09/2013 17:18

So because you're so concerned about the reaction of her family, you're hoping to fix her up with a lesbian partner in order that she's the one who does the walking?

I think you need to get a grip OP. Who cares what her family thinks? It's not their marriage is it? I didn't give a stuff about what my exPIL's thought when I decided to divorce. I'd done all I could to keep my marriage together, it wasn't working, it was over. I wasn't going to stick around just to please the PIL's. Nor should anyone.

pantsonbackwards · 30/09/2013 17:23

Some twatish posts on here!

Op, i think you're going to have to talk bluntly with her.

BillyBanter · 30/09/2013 17:26

Are you concerned that if you are the one to leave things will be made very difficult for you re access, maybe?

What is the rest of your relationship like? How do you split chores and money and childcare etc?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/09/2013 17:27

I also read 'seriously damage your relationship with DD' as rather threatening.

BlatantRedhead · 30/09/2013 17:44

Oh dear. A lot of what you've said has been taken in the worst way already so I have a feeling the Professionally Offended brigade will get their teeth into this one...

OP you have to talk to your wife, that really is your only option. You can't assume she's gay from what you've posted, although there are clear indications she may be curious. The only way to resolve this is to discuss it with her.

Also, it shouldn't matter what other people think. If you are unhappy in your marriage then make a choice to either work on it or end it. Don't base that decision in what other people will think, base it on how you feel.

If she won't open up and doesn't want to work on it then it sounds like you'll have very little option but to divorce her. Don't hold back from moving on just for the sake of not seeming like the bad guy.

BillyBanter · 30/09/2013 20:07

One thing I'd definitely say. If you're going to discuss your marriage online do it on private browsing, in private, log out, delete mumsnet pages from history. If nothing else because no one wants to stumble on a thread about them.

At best they will be deeply hurt, at worst they could go out of their way to make your life much more miserable.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/09/2013 20:27

Blateant

Blimey another "Brigade". Someone should draw up a list so we know which one to join

Fairenuff · 30/09/2013 21:06

Look, you are making this sound more complicated than it needs to be.

You are not happy in your relationship. It's ok to end it. Tell her that you feel that you are no longer a couple and although you care for her, you no longer want to be married to her.

If she really wants a future with you, then she must be willing to talk and discuss all aspects of your relationship. She must also be willing to be proactive in working on improving all aspects of the relationship.

If she doesn't want to put in the effort, start making plans to separate. You should see a solicitor to get some initial advice.

Btw I too am wondering which tv programmes she was watching?

Original poster

Looking4support · 30/09/2013 21:26

Ok for the record, I had been checking her DVR, and she watched a number of shows with lesbian characters. Such as Lip Service and the L-word and more recently Wentworth. I know that alone doesn't mean anything, but when you consider her other behaviour then at the least it has to make you question.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 30/09/2013 21:30

But is it really relevant to you right now? You need to talk to her about your relationship.

You cannot change another person or make them behave a certain way. All you can do is decide what your boundaries are. You don't want to spend the rest of your marriage in the spare room. Tell her that. Tell her that you think the relationship has run it's course. It's no-one's fault.

BillyBanter · 30/09/2013 21:34

I think getting her rocks off to lesbian tv is a bit of a red herring. She's not sleeping with you. You have separate rooms so how is the rest of your relationship?

What does she say when you've spoken to her before? Splitting up has obviously been touched on before going by your previous post.

pantsonbackwards · 30/09/2013 22:08

That is quite a lot of lesbian stuff there, the tv programs and the books and the flirting with women.

It would be rather unfair of people to blame you for ending your marriage if its because your wife is gay.

pantsonbackwards · 30/09/2013 22:10

And sorry op, that posters were twatish towards you. Men don't often get treated well on here unfortunately.

Fairenuff · 30/09/2013 22:18

I got your pm OP but I think it's better to discuss it here if that's ok. Just talk to your wife and come back to the thread if you want more advice of where to go from there.

HessianWeave · 30/09/2013 22:27

pants if you believe some posts are "twattish" then you should report them.

OP, the way i am seeing it is this. You either continue as you are. But you're unhappy as things are. Or you do as advised and do some serious talking with your wife. If she's reluctant you need to make it clear that you are very concerned about your marriage. But you cant force her to talk if she doesn't want to.

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