Am I doing this right or being an idiot?

[LolaPolykettle]

A saga, but trying to avoid dripfeeding. NCing regular.

Our relationship (10 years) has always been great, lots of communication, very loving. The past few years have been difficult for us, with lots of stress, difficult family stuff, money worries, house repairs etc etc etc. My DH has been suffering from depression for a while which we both felt was due to a rough time at work. He was prescribed antidepressants but since taking them seemed to become more distant, uncommunicative, exhausted, with the odd sudden burst of being like his old self, which made us think they were working a little. Our sex life has been on/off whereas it used to be amazing.

Add to this my crap reaction to his distant mood, and his seeming inability to listen to me or pay attention (forgetting things, being uncharacteristically scatty and generally driving me mad). I admit I have been bossy, sarky, snappy, impatient - I feel that, for a while, I was always looking for an argument, just to get SOMETHING out of him - so that if he was fed up with our relationship or me, that he would tell me or I would see some glimpse of the man I love. Wrong, I know. I turned into this bitch that I didn't like or respect, and I'm not sure how it happened.

So, recently he broke down and told me that he has been having suicidal thoughts, memory problems, panic attacks, sleep problems. He hid it because he felt that he had to bottle it up or it would take over his life. He truly believed that he was being 'taken over' by something and that he has lost touch with himself completely. He's terrified.

He has also been having an online relationship with someone on the other side of the world. They were online friends, it got flirty and he says he started to have feelings for her. He hasn't offered any excuse for it, he seems almost as shocked by it as I am. He feels like shit about it, ended it right away and I have seen all messages. He is mortified, embarrassed and ashamed. He never lied to me about anything before and I believe him 100% when he says that contact has ended and that there was never any intention to meet. I have questioned him over and over and I believe he has been straight with me. I have stalked and hacked and seen it all.

I was destroyed and kicked him out. He went to his parents'. He was referred for urgent mental health care. They feel he may be bipolar or be suffering from psychosis as a result of a much more serious depressive illness than was previously thought. They have also suggested that the meds he was given could have been responsible for sending him into a manic stage which may go some way to explaining the online affair but he doesn't want to use this as an excuse. He is on different medication, some very hardcore stuff, and is dedicated to getting better, seeing doctors, having therapy etc.

I have never seen him like this; reduced to a wreck, shaking, crying like a child, so deeply ashamed and embarrassed. He doesn't expect anything from me, isn't arguing his case or making excuses. He knows exactly how hurt I am.

We spent the day together yesterday as a family and while it was hard for both of us, I felt like ME again, and I felt as though I were falling for him again. He told me that he has always loved me and that the only thing he is sure of is that he wants me. We talked about how the relationship wasn't right, how there was wrong on both sides. He wants us to have counselling with Relate to help us both through this, whichever way it goes. He has no intention of coming back unless he is better and his condition is stable and only if I truly feel it is the right thing for me.

So... Despite the hurt, I love this man. He has been a wonderful partner until very recently. He is a fantastic Dad. I want him to be always a part of my life - we were so fucking good together! I want to get past the infidelity (I am under no illusions - I know that is what it was) and make it work. I know that it will take a lot of work, and I know I have to change too. I would not get back with him for our DS or if I felt it was a compromise, I need to feel real passionate love, I will not settle for anything less.

I basically want your thoughts on the situation. Can I trust again? Does anyone have any experience with Relate? Any vipers reckon I'm being an idiot? Does anyone have a partner with a serious mental health issue?

I know this is long, but I really appreciate anyone who reads and doesn't run.

Thank you!

update - he has asked me again whether I would go to Relate to discuss everything. Is agreeing to go (which I would like to do) a commitment to trying to make it work, or is the counselling more about helping us figure out where we need to go from here?

I don't want to get there and feel pressured into anything when my head is still spinning and my mood is up and down.

TBH, I don't think it's something for Relate, at least at this stage. It doesn't seem that the problem was the relationship, but his mental health.
IMO, he should focus on getting better himself, then you could consider Relate.

Quick lunchtime catch up

I don't think going to relationship counselling is a commitment to trying to make it work, but neither do I think it's appropriate if one of its objectives is to talk about how he got to that point. Their speciality is relationships and that wasn't the issue, by all accounts. The issues were him and/or his illness. Counselling separately (or actually just you on your own for now) might be good and I think having your own space might be especially helpful. I pick up a lot of misplaced guilt in your posts about feeling so angry with someone who is ill. That's normal for a decent, kind person and unfortunately it's depressingly common in women who've been trained all their lives to nurture and care for people who are vulnerable.

It possibly feels counter-intuitive to be this angry with a sobbing mess of a man who is ill.

So you probably need your own space to be able to rage about your hurt without feeling guilty, or judged for your anger.

You've had some great advice and I think you've probably got food for thought. My only caution to you would be make sure you can live with his "infidelity" if like some people you can't forgive and forget then it's really tough on you and the OH.
I hope it works out for you and you're happy x

It possibly feels counter-intuitive to be this angry with a sobbing mess of a man who is ill.

This hits the nail on the head really. There were some issues in the relationship that could have been helped with counselling before the infidelity and the illness, but I think he needs to get better before counselling would be of any real use.

Sister77 I think I need to work out if I can get past the infidelity and move on without throwing it at him every time we have a row or I feel insecure.

Can I go to Relate on my own?

I think you can, but from what I hear, they don't have a good reputation for dealing with infidelity. It seems they start from a presumption that the relationship caused it, which won't be helpful and although I'm sure they wouldn't mean for this to happen, it mightn't be the best place for offloading guilt- in fact it might add to it, quite unfairly. That's the last thing you need, in my view.

Every relationship has issues doesn't it? Anyone who says they have a perfect relationship 100% of the time is a liar.

What about an accredited therapist who has lots of experience helping someone cope with a partner's infidelity? That might be a better bet than Relate.