Coping with other people's problems

[godblessthebrokenroad]

How do you cope with family members' problems?
DB is currently suffering from depression and debt. He is spiralling but won't accept any help. DM and I have helped him with some financial difficulties but it is hard to know what the right thing to do is.
I suffer from anxiety and find it very difficult to cope when people I love are upset or experiencing problems. This anxiety has always been particularly intense regarding DB. In the past I have always tried to take as much of the burden myself as possible, if I felt it would help or protect other people. I can see I get this from DM, as she is hiding situation with DB from DF.
However, I have started to realise this is not the best way to help and I need to begin protecting myself. I don't have the strategies to cope with my own anxiety, never mind taking on other people's problems.
How do other people cope with situations that, realistically, you cannot control, without feeling 'out of control', IYSWIM?
I want to help, but not to the point of damaging myself. I worry and worry and worry as soon as I know that other people have problems.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense, I am over-tired.

It's really pointless imo to think you can take on other people's problems. And it took me too many years to realize that I cannot fix family members' drink / money / low self esteem / relationship problems and that only they can fix them. (to be honest many people have a mixture of all or any of these issues and 'fixing' them requires the individual themselves to come to an understanding of the root of the problem.)

Once I stopped trying to 'help' I became a genuinely more balanced, better individual and they started sorting things themselves, in their own way.

All the worrying you are doing is not helping anyone, least of all you.

I think it's impressive that you've identified this "Rescuer Trait" in yourself and even thought about where it might come from. Did you manage that on your own, or as a result of counselling? Don't beat yourself up for being a rescuer. It was necessary at some point in your life. It just isn't helpful any more.

How do other people cope with situations that, realistically, you cannot control, without feeling 'out of control', IYSWIM?

If you can, then listen. Hear their problems and then very consciously remind yourself that this isn't your problem to solve. Picture putting it in an envelope, posting it away and take a deep breath.

Is there anyone you can't even listen to any more, it's too distressing to do that?

"How do other people cope with situations that, realistically, you cannot control, without feeling 'out of control', IYSWIM?"

I have family members that are constantly in a fix of some kind. In the past I have worried about them or waded in to help , only to end up looking foolish as I find the problems are of their own making or I've only been given half a story. Money problems I stay well away from having given financial assistance in the past only for them to behave irresponsibly and run up more debts. I now say 'I don't want to know'.

So I'd suggest to do your best not to be exposed to the problems in the first place. If DM or DB start telling you about the latest problem, tell yourself it's perfectly OK to say 'I don't want to hear about it'.

Thank you for the replies.
I know that my worry isn't helping anybody. I feel like I am responsible if I don't do anything to help though. I hate the thought of other people feeling anxious or distressed and would rather take that burden from them. I have always been like this, but I think it has lead to my anxiety issues.

Ever read the Serenity Prayer?

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

Praying solves nothing, obviously, but 'accepting the things I cannot change' is certainly something that you can work on. No-one like to see those close to them struggling. But you can't make your DB's depression go away... he needs health professionals, medication and other treatments for that... and you can't change his debts unless you've got a shedload of cash that you don't need.

If you suffer from anxiety, have you ever sought counselling for yourself?

Thanks Cogito, I have written that down and stuck it on my fridge.

I have had counselling in the past. I have had it under control for the most part, but work is very stressful at the moment and I have been ill (not seriously, just generally run down and exhausted), and it has reached one of those points where everything just seems a little overwhelming at the moment. I always find it harder to deal with family stuff at these times. Just like everybody else, I suppose.

Do your DB and DM go out of their way to take care of you? As I said earlier, I have family members that have a shedload of largely self-inflicted problems. There was once a time when I had some serious problems and could have used some support and ... surprise, surprise... they were nowhere to be seen. You don't have to deal with anything except your own life.