DH not the father I thought he would be :(

[MotherOfSoupDragon]

I love my dh a lot, but am disappointed in his fathering skills

I see other fathers that play sports with their children, cycle with them, want to take them places and do things with them. My dh doesn't want to do anything. He would sit and watch tv all day every day.

It seems all the time I have to be the one to suggest things we could do and he'll go along with that. I'm not at all sporty, not sure what I could do with dd. Tbh I think it's too late now, she's 12 and all she wants to do now is play with her friends and be on the pc. When she was younger I used to take her to museums.

I don't know how to ask him to do something without it turning into a row, he can't handle criticism at all. So I go along with how it is because I don't know how to change things.

I love him, but feel resentment sometimes. It's difficult right now as he's not working. He is trying to help around the home, can cook and put the washing machine on if I give him instructions, but doesn't see things like the carpet needs hoovering, the lawn needs mowing etc. He will Hoover if I ask him to but never mows.

He used to be fun to be with, but admittedly never sporty or very active.

Not wanting to moan, just looking for tips. Anyone been in similar situation, how did you deal/cope with it? Or do I just accept that he's like that?

I've suffered with depression in the past (and feel I'm struggling a bit now too tbh) so I'm probably not the most dynamic person around My get up and go went a while ago But I do try and have always tried to make sure we get out sometimes.

Hmmm, so he's into IT and sci-fi. The thing is, he needs to do stuff with her that he's interested in, and she could develop an interest in too. There's no point in expecting a non-sporty person to play sport with their child, because they'll hate doing it and that will communicate itself to the child.

Maybe they could write an app together? There are loads of programmes for writing apps on the net.

What else is he interested in?

Mind you, nothing is likely to be particularly successful if it's imposed on them, so playing crib or something (our particular fave was Mah Jongg but we played cards a lot too) where you're all relaxed together would most likely bring up something they both wanted to pursue a bit.

Strangely I just suggested yesterday that dd should look into programming and secretly hoped that dh might get involved.

At the moment however it's causing a problem because she has a school log in that will give her access to microsofts dreamspark through school but she can't find her log in details and he's annoyed!

i know this is hard but have you tried having an honest conversation with him.perhaps over a meal on night you could just bring it up as in what can we do with her and he might suggest things that way.
dont stop in your trying to do stuff.if he sees or hers your daughter having fun with you he might join in.
if he is stubbron in his ways the the importnat thing is you keep trying with your dagither when you can.she cant miss out on the love and stuff you can do with her.
having a meal out all together.getting them to communicate and find interests for the both of them easily over a nie meal.
if you are feeling a bit more vunerable with your depression at the moment really you need his support.it can be qiute overhwelming to try and do anything when depression or similar kicks in again.so you need help and support and taking it easy time too.have you talked to him but your problems.could you?just calmly saying you are struggling and you need his help with a few things.he needs to know.your not superwoman and he needs to get his ass in check.
could you ask your daguther if shed go out somewhere with a mate if dad took them.a outing together but apart will at least help your daughter feel dad is doing stuff for/with her and might get him up and at it.
if he is out of work,could he be a little blue about that too?causing him to go into his shell a bit.
good luck.dont give up.and take care.with depression it cna be exhausting.if you need help please tryto get it.xx

When I've tried to discuss things in the past it has not gone well He is immature and sulks when criticised. I've tried wording things as carefully as possible, but it doesn't help. I now stay clear of confrontation as much as possible. However, I do often start a conversation about what we can do with her. He just has so little patience when she is being all "teenagey" and not wanting to do anything that involves leaving the house!

Meals out together are mostly out of the question at the moment due to drop in income, as are days out unfortunately.

An outing with a friend, where dad takes them?? I struggle to get him to take her to the supermarket with him if I'm not there tbh!

It seems like it's all my responsibility, I wanted the dog so I have to walk her all the time, I gave birth to the baby so I have to look after the dd ... I don't think it's malicious or intentional, just laziness. Just sometimes it feels too much to cope with. And as mentioned above I feel he could have done so much with her as a child and maybe now it's too late to connect.

Mother, can I ask kindly how you think this could possibly not be intentional? He doesn't want to deal with his daughter or take any responsibility, ao he doesn't, and you are forced to pick up the pieces. Of course it's intentional! It's not an accident that he always gets things entirely his own way.

I am so glad I found this thread. I have a very similar problem with my DP. He is sooo lazy with the children. He's actually the stay at home parent and I work. He does the laundry and cooks, and does a good job at making sure everything that needs to be done is done. He is still crap at preventing mess and doing the general run around of cleaning, but I don't really mind as long as the important stuff is done.
However, when it comes to doing activities with the children, he is worse than useless. It's the one thing we really fight about. Poor DD2 is only 15 months and spends no time outside the house with other children or any real stimulation. I do it all on my days off... you know, between everything else. I know it's not the most exciting things in the world, but the children love doing things with him. It really is just selfishness! and I think men inheritantly are selfish actually. He thinks his want to play video games is more important. I keep saying part of this set up we have isn't just practical chores and basic childcare, its to actually be a fucking parent!
He adores the girls, and I really do love him, but this is something I really really hate about him. It's frustrating even more, , because he just doesn't get it.
Sorry I can't give any useful advice....

Oh and I have had endless sensible calm discussions about it, including that perhaps he is depressed and he has sulked exactly like your DH, OP. He then criticises me for not doing enough and says that I spend all my time on my laptop (not true, and when I do, I am not zombified to a game and get grumpy when spoken to). It is impossible.
The worst thing is I work 12 hour night shifts and if he took them out in the day I would also sleep considerably better with the quiet. Instead I put up with stupid game noises, him ranting at a game, and my frustrated bored toddler whinging.

Oh Katykuns, I'm sorry, that's a terrible situation What is it with these spoilt men?!

At least I only work part time at the moment, although in the past I have combined working part time out of the home, working from home the rest of the time AND cooking, cleaning and parenting!

We had a baby sooner than expected, although we had discussed it, but I became pregnant straight away and I suspect dh wasn't actually ready for the responsibility, so I often wonder if he blames me and feels dd is my responsibility for that reason. I'm not saying he doesn't want her, he loves her to bits. It has become more difficult for him as she has got older, as she, like many of her age, prefers to play computer games. He is also frustrated at her taste in music (she likes things like Taylor Swift and girlie stuff, he likes classic rock) and is quick to put down anything that isn't to his taste.

They do have things in common. They both love Doctor Who and always watch that together.

I just feel a lot of the time he's behaving like a spoilt child.

It's so frustrating!!!

Sorry but be careful you are not making excuses for what is in fact pretty inconsiderate behaviour, ok he's lazy, but he appears to be lazy over anything that involves compromise, ie, if it doesn't suit him, he won't do it, he can't even take how own daughter to the supermarket on his own - he seems to have a real problem connecting with his child and if you have noticed it I bet your daughter has too, now that doesn't mean she is damaged but putting his basic failings down to laziness is just giving him an excuse to carry it on. Maybe it's time to make a stand and have that awkward conversation with him, we all as parents have a responsibility whether we like it or not.

He actually sounds like a pretty hard person to live with, it's his way or no other way.

Sorry to hijack, katykuns, but that is absolutely terrible.

I'd be looking pretty hard at some childcare if I were you. Any childminder would do more than that. My nannyshare was fantastic. Nurseries are great. That just sounds shit.

I would also go and sleep elsewhere in the day. Do you have a friend who works in the daytime who would let you sleep at her place?

I don't want to be an MN cliche but I would spend a lot of time thinking about leaving him if I were with your partner and I wish I didn't recognise so much of the situation.

Brilliant! They both like Dr Who. My friend went to a Dr Who convention - she didn't dress up as a Cyberman or anything - and had a brilliant time. She also went to a Lord of the Rings one, which was more fun for her as that's her thing. There are tons of those sort of things going on.

www.doctorwho.tv/events/

Sadly there's never anything on near where we live (up north!). We have been to the exhibition in Cardiff whilst visiting relatives there last year.

Remind him that you reap what you sow.

My dd is really into folk, whereas dh hates it - it makes him shudder, he leaves the room. My thing is classical. I have never insulted the music she has wanted to listen but dh has made his feelings very clear throughout, from nursery songs to her present love. The result is that she has gone more towards what he loathes.

Being rude about people's tastes, insulting the music they love, will usually simply polarise their views. At 14, dd is softening a bit towards her dad's music (classic rock, blues), but for years they were at loggerheads. Since she was 8ish, I have been sitting in the middle telling dh that he would make her hate his stuff, and it happened. He has learnt to pull his punches now, with the result that she can relax and appreciate what he likes more.

They actually went to a gig together last year - her (then) fave band, Evanescence, which he despises!

Your h needs to remember that respect is mutual. If he won't show respect for her and her choices, then she won't show respect for him and his.

I think you need to give him a severe talking to, and top it up every time he behaves badly towards her. He reminds me of the Cat Stevens song, is it called Father and Son? (Your h won't like the song, but the words are apposite!)