would like another baby, now feel sad and let down by partner saying no...

[woahthere]

I've been wanting to have another child for a few years now.

I first broached the subject 18 months or so ago with my partner. At the time he said that in theory he wasn't against the idea but that it wasn't feasible because we didn't have a big enough car, room in the house, money. We had also been going through a rocky period so he didn't think it was a good idea because of that. So since then, we have been very happy together, incredibly happy in fact, we have a bigger car, we are looking to buy a bigger house as we can afford one and have come into some money and I have saved enough money so that I can take at least a year off work and live comfortably.

So, when i asked him again if we could he has said no because 'nothing has changed' which i don't understand because in my mind, everything that he said needed to change, has changed. Now, obviously I can't make him want to have a baby and neither would I want to, but I feel so sad (I know people will tell me to get a grip but I would go so far as to say I feel heartbroken). I have been dreaming about this as a part of my future, and even thought about future work related things that can happen surrounding this and now it has been taken away from me I feel a bit like I dont know what I am doing next.

Not only that, but also the way I asked him I was trying to have a conversation about it, but he wouldnt even turn around and look at me, when I said to him 'I would really like it if you would look at me and be nice to me because I feel a bit upset' he snorted at me with amusement and then went on to make me feel ridiculous. He said that he had told some of his friends when I asked last time and they thought I was crazy and didnt my friends think I was crazy? I replied that I hadnt discussed it with them as I didnt know what he wanted to do so I wouldnt have said anything to them about it.

I just felt like he was really horrible to me about it.

The thing is, he still hasn't said outright...'no, we never will have a baby, he still keeps saying 'right now'. I dont want to wait much longer, I will get too old, and as well as that I have chronic pain that is only going to be solved by hysterectomy. At the moment I take very strong painkillers to get me through the day, but I am dying to have a hysterectomy so I dont have to take them anymore, but obviously it will devestate me to do so without having a baby first. I hate taking these painkillers as they really affect me, so as you can see....one thing affects another affects the outcome of another....

I also dont want to keep waiting, end up not having a baby when i could have had surgery and eliminated my pain.

I do also hate the monthly wait for my period to come, because I always shit myself about being pregnant in case i am when he doesn't want me to be (although we do always use a condom but I still worry). So i have said to him that if he doesnt want to have a baby why doesnt he have a vasectomy so I dont have to worry anymore ( I have tried, every single other form of contraception going) but he says no he doesnt want to.

I am very confused, i feel like he is not being straight with me about anything. I didnt post this in AIBU because I dont want people to be nasty to me as I cant take it right now, but maybe someone can put this in perspective for me.

you say 'another' child.. how many DC do you have and how old are they? Is this a deal breaker for you?

The main problem you've got is that he ridiculed you and told his friends you were crazy. To me that's the polar opposite of a loving partner to treat something that is so important to you with such scorn. Quite horrible behaviour. You mention a 'rocky period'. Was it resolved by you giving into him? Have you been happy since only because he gets his own way?

I have 3 children, 2 are older from a previous relationship, and I know it sounds horrible but they wont be at home for that much longer, youngest is 6. I know that 4 children is a lot, and I never intended to have this many, but I truly feel capable of it and they are amazing children. Perhaps I wouldnt have thought about having another one if it hadnt been put to me that I would be better off without a womb ... but once it was put to me, I couldnt stop thinking about it and I really yearn for it. As for being a dealbreaker, if he had said from the start that he didnt want anymore then i think i could have accepted it more easily, but he didnt do that, and like I say my future now contains this extra child. I could possibly accept no more, but would like his support with that.(although truly and honeslty i think i will always be sad about it). It wouldnt make me leave him though.

The rough period was that he had an affair. It took me a long time to get over, I was very hurt, we nearly split up over it...but as I say, we have been very happy for a while now.

There are plenty of threads here about one partner wanting another child and the other not. The consensus is always that the one who does has to accept that a person should not be forced or tricked into having a child they don't want.

The way he spoke to you, sounds horrible, though. That worries me more than anything else you've said. Especially as he is a man with a past affair to make up to you for. His affair is not a reason for him to give in to you on the child question but surely he should be treating you more respectfully than to laugh about your desire for another child with his mates?

This gets worse and worse. First an affair and now he ridicules you about your feelings about the impending loss of fertility? I think you've compromised so much to be with this man that you don't see how badly you're being treated. You don't sound 'very happy' at all.

I would never try sand trick or cajole him into having a baby, which is why I worry about getting pregnant so much in case he thinks I did it on purpose! If he had said a straight no then I would have had to accept it.

I was really upset that he talked to his mates about it, but then thought about it and I suppose it would be no different to me talking to a friend about wanting another baby. He wasnt ridiculing me to them, but he told them about it and then they said they thought it was crazy.

Im not very happy right now, I feel very unhappy.

If you really want another child, then make that your priority, particularly after the behavior of your dh. I wanted another one, but relationship was messy, and then I got too old, and relationship is still messy. Should have gotten out years ago, in time to have another child :-(

Sorry, OP, but this relationship does not sound like a good one to bring another child into .

So he had an affair, snorts when you try to have a conversation about children/fertility & tells his mates.

I don't know if this is really about having another child or whether it's about him disregarding you.

On the face of it, if you've got 3 kids, a rocky marriage, chronic pelvic pain, needing a hysterectomy, having another child doesn't seem like the most sensible choice.

But as an expression of frustration with your husband & his attitude to you, it's understandable. I wonder if you've been 'dreaming' about a new baby as a diversion from the problems with your him?

Reading your OP l think this man does not want another child--ever. You now have the car the house and the money that were his excuses last time. He just does not have the balls to say no.
Perhaps he is hoping you will go for the hysterectomy and take the decision away from him.
Either way l don't think another baby is on the cards in this relationship

I'm sorry OP but he doesn't seem to have any feelings ir respect for you. To brush you off and laugh at you when you're upset are not actions of someone who cares about you. Maybe he doesn't want a baby to tie you down to him more.

He has now apologised and said that he was tired when I asked him and, he said that his friends didnt say crazy and that he was just tired when he said it. He is worried that we wont have enough room in our life for another child and that he doesnt want to have another child and it affects our other children. However, he also still wont say that we wont ever have another child because he said he might change his mind in a few years time, but he feels stuffed because if he doesnt change his mind then i will be angry with him so he feels like he is doing wrong whatever he does which i can understand. Its a really hard situation because we both 'get' each others feelings, but when you intrinsically have different views on something its very difficult to get around. I suppose I do have to accept it, but now I do not know whether I wait and hope, or give up on it completely. I think if I waited and then he never changed his mind or felt differently then I would be so let down.. This is such a hard situation, but I am lucky and blessed to have the children that I do have so I should shut up really I suppose. Our relationship isnt rocky now by the way, we are pretty solid as a couple, he doesnt usually be horrible to me.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.