Think im being stupid but do you think its possible to love somebody completely after being really hurt?

[starshaker]

I have finally met somebody who i totally 100% completely adore. He is gorgeous, funny, kind, great with the kids and generally just amazing. I have never properly loved anybody before. Ive always held something back but with him its not possible. I just love him with everything i have and it scares the shit out of me.

He, on the other hand was totally in love with his ex wife. She cheated and it ended really badly. He was a mess for over a year after. Im the first person since her. He says he loves me and i do believe he does but i suppose im scared he will never love me like he loved her.

Writing it down just makes me feel like im being stupid but they had a child together, we will never have that. They were married and again we will never have that.

Now i dont want those things anyway but even if i did, because of what happened with him before it wouldn't happen anyway.

Do you feel he's holding back? Dioes he hint that thinks you'll hurt him?

Yeah sometime i feel like hes keeping something back. Sometimes when i tell him how i feel about him he says i know.

Im probably being stupid and paranoid

He responds to 'I love you' with 'I know' ? Harrison Ford made it sound cool playing Han Solo but from someone IRL it's just cold. You have to trust your judgement here. If you feel like it's all rather one-sided and that you're putting in a lot and getting nothing back, then don't stay in it to get hurt. In a good relationship you should feel secure.

How do you know about his history with his ex wife?

You will both need time IME. hurt leaves scars and the injured party often flinches when anyone goes near these areas. It's simple survival.

A year is hardly enough to get over what he must have gone through. So I'll give some advice I was once given -

Give it time, in the mean time step not only for yourself but also to give him room to grow and love you the way you deserve.

Love is like a muscle - when we do all the work for someone they never grow/develop that muscle.
Let him do some work - meet you half way as it were. become an equal partner in the investment side of things.

It's scary but when you fill the love effort box yourself, you don't allow him to put anything in.

Not sure if any of that makes sense

take a step back* grrr iphone

more if i say to him "do you realize how much i love you".

He does make me feel safe and loved. I think im just scared because how much i love him.

It's OK to love someone a lot just so long as you don't let them exploit it. If you feel good about the relationship, great. If you feel insecure, not so great.

To be brutally frank - no, you'll never be her, and no he'll never love you the way he loved her. When you love someone that much, and they hurt you that much, a little piece of you remains scarred. It doesn't mean you can't have a happy relationship with him, but after a year he is nowhere near ready to completely fall for anyone, and I suspect he will always keep a little of himself back just in case.

I can't see why that should be a stumbling block for you, provided you enter into the relationship with your eyes open.

It matters how you know about his past and if you know what he has told you is true, tbh.

I put up with bad behaviour from my ex ( who became more and more abusive) because he set himself up as a "victim" when we met, I found out later that he had lied and exaggerated things. He is doing it again with someone he is trying to date (we have mutual friends).

In terms of him loving you as much as he did her, live changes as you gain more life experience, but you aren't in competition, anyway.

Also why couldn't you ever be married? That statement is slightly odd.

If he isn't over her, you need to end things until he is. It seems that you know details that he should of kept to himself.

How long have you been with him for?

Maybe stop saying ' do you realise how much I love you?' ... It sounds very err 'intense' to me...

I know what hes told me about his past is true. It seemed a bit far fetched so i checked it out and he had told the complete truth. He doesn't play the victim at all.

She was his 2nd wife so he says that he will never get married again. Im pretty sure he is over her and would never go back there.

I think i might be over thinking things and being insecure because i think he could do so much better than me.

Tbh I think perhaps you both need a little time before getting too serious - him to get over his ex and you to develop your self esteem. Are you genuinely ok with not getting married/ having children?

Ive been married and have 3 children.

Self esteem for me isnt gonna happen. He makes me feel like i matter which is a first. My previous relationships have resulted in me being beaten or cheated on. I know he would never do either of these.

I am being stupid, i know i am. Everybody has a past. I know he is over his ex but i do still think he is worried he will get hurt. I just need to show that i wont hurt him.

Please remember that you are not responsible for his feelings. You don't need to change to make him love you or prove anything to him. You just need to be you and it'll either work or it won't.

I would really recommend counselling to help you to deal with past abuse.

Please be careful. My DP is a lovely man. He's also very scarred by his exes and despite us being together for several years he still holds back. He says he wants to 'get over himself' but there has been little progress on that front. We are fine for staying with during the week, and holidays, but he can't see himself moving in or us getting married. He's not going to see a counsellor, but now I am, as I have to decide whether I can live like this in the long term, assuming there is a long term!

It's such a shame. We are a good match, the kids all love each other and I think we could be really happy together, if only he could be comfortable looking further forward than tomorrow.

It feels like we're being punished because of his ex and I'm tired of her perpetual hold over him. Let's hope the counselling gives me some clarity as I've been trying to work out what to do for two years now!

I wish you the best.

X