How do you have a child alone?

[fluffyduckie]

I mean I would love to have children but am single and don't really have a support group around me. Trying to have a serious think on this and to make a decision - I don't want to be going broody every time I see a baby so maybe looking at the practical side will help.

I was looking towards adoption as an option - maybe international from an orphanage. I don't earn a great deal - admin job - and don't own my own home. I think it is highly unlikely that work would be accommodating and if a child is under school age then they need someone looking after them.

Just starting to think that it is really unlikely that I could have a child and give them the care they need. I don't want to have one and just be selfish and it be bad for the child.

Should I just give up on the idea?

I have a wonderful fantastic friend who wanted children and it was getting too late so she went for sperm donation for her first son - who is a delight and a joy - and then adopted a second boy when he was 8 months old and her first boy was about 2yrs.

She is a fantastic mother, an inspiration to her boys and they are very happy, very loved and both very well adjusted.

She read up a LOT on the subjects of both donation and adoption before making the decision, and she has made a lot of sacrifices for them both - quite rightly.

The adopted son had a lot of problems developmentally as he was badly abused but she has worked wonders with him and at five he is now a Free Reader at school and his speech is brilliant.

I think if you REALLY want children then go for it - so long as you are totally prepared to be a single mother and to devote all you can to them. Much as any good mother would!

I've been a lone parent since birth, worked FT to provide a good independent lifestyle & used childcare in order to make it all happen. My DS doesn't have any siblings. Frankly I get pretty pissed off at people that slag off a) lone parents, b) only children and c) working mothers who use childcare....

I like reading Cogito's words - she is on almost every thread in Relationships and has lots of experience in every aspect of every kind of situation and an opinion on most types of relationship situations so she is obviously very well versed in all relationship issues. I think she might be a professional counsellor or relationships therapist. I just had a count up of the threads she has posted on and I am nowhere near as knowledgeable as she is on - well over two thirds I think of threads in relationships that I scrolled down on and that was quite a few so please ignore my advice as I don't have much more to add as I don't have anywhere near as much experience and what I do know is probably not worth knowing.

Good luck though. You are your own driver that's all I can say - nobody else is at the wheel of your life

Op, lots of women end up in the situation you describe (some planned, some not), and manage just fine. Cogito is one of those, by the sound of things.

Some employers look at adoption in the same way as maternity, so you may well be entitled to time off, just like maternity leave. There are many, many children in this country in need of a parent or family. Have you contacted your local authority, or one of the adoption agencies? They would be able to give you a lot more information. Personally, though I'm no expert, I don't think you should give up on the grounds you've given without exploring the options a bit more.

Oh I get that it is tough - that is why I am worrying really. I don't know if I am strong enough to do it on my own with no support network.

I don't want to decide that I want a child and that is it without thinking about the child and their needs. I really want a child but don't know if I would be good mum.

Looked into the adoption pay and you get (I think) 33 weeks SAP.

It's good to think about the child's needs and make preparations but my point was that you should try not to fall into all the prejudicial 'Daily Mail' type traps. As long as a child has love and security it doesn't matter if it has one or two parents, siblings or no siblings and whether it uses childcare or not.