Could I have Some Perspective Please?

[Hedwig06]

I have been with my DH for 18 years. In all the time we've been together his drinking has been a factor, not day to day more, when an occasion came up he would go crazy, drink himself into a stupor, not come home when he said, go to places other than where he said he was and then lie about it when questioned until he gave in and then told the truth, usually after me going on at him for days for the truth.

Things got a bit better up to about a year ago, the opportunity never really came up for him to be out.

This year he set up his own business and is now working at a brewery with an attached pub - you can see where this is going can't you.....

The straw that broke the camel's back was about 4 months ago, he came home steaming drunk from a man's birthday after work drink after saying he would be home about 7pm, (he leaves work at 3pm) so 4 hours of drinking. I confronted him when he got home and he said some terrible, nasty things to me.

Following this incident I ignored him and we were barely civil to each other for a week, after which at his instigation we had a full and frank discussion - he said he couldn't remember all that was said and apologized for the things he said including the things he couldn't remember, we both cleared the air on other issues in our relationship at the same time, him realizing how close I got to finishing things. During this discussion he acknowledged that he did go crazy when out for a drink as the opportunity didn't come up for him very often and he "like to enjoy himself" when it did.

He then offered not to go to anymore of these functions, as he again acknowledged that this was the best course of action as he himself didn't think he could just go a for a couple.

I gladly agreed to this, but was sceptical as to whether he would stick to it. He did until a friend's leaving drink. He did come home on time, but had crammed as much drinking into the time as he could.

I pointed out the agreement, and I had stuck to the things I said I would and he hadn't, a row again, and then I said it was the last chance.

Friday he came home from work the usual time, but he had had a drink, more than one. I asked him, no he hadn't had a drink he said - he had. He was slurring his words, asking the same question over and over again.

He is still denying going for a drink today, I have barely spoken to him. This morning he's got up and taken the DC out for the day, the 1st time I haven't gone, I'm gutted, crying, upset.

I don't know what I want to do really or what response I want I'm just so sick and tired of the lying and his inability to not go and have a drink?
I just don't understand it?

What you have to do is follow through on the 'last chance' or you haven't got a leg to stand on. He's an alcohol abuser, an alcoholic, a binge drinker... whatever you want to call it. Alcohol is more important than keeping promises to you and, when he breaks those promises, nothing really happens.

Last chance means last chance. He has to step out...

Been there done that and now he is my xh!

I tried everything...pleading, shouting, huffing, threatening to leave, threatening to kick him out, writing letters, talking calmly, even videoing him and making him watch it

NOTHING WORKS!

He drank because he is an alcoholic..it isn't how much, or how often you drink, but the trouble that drinking causes that defines you as an alcoholic.

I started to emotionally withdraw 3 yrs ago when he got pissed at a friend's wedding and called me terrible names. I left in tears...it took him 3 months to apologise after saying he didnt remember anything.

I never went out socially again with him. By the end I wasnt even making a comment about the drinking. Looking back I stopped caring, but didn't leave ( but that's another story!).

He finally left 7 months ago and once I got through the initial crisis time I am happier than i have been in years...my dc say I am relaxed and more chilled and it's because I don't have to worry about him coming in and starting a row or being so hungover he spoils a family day out.

Funny thing is, he seems to have cut down on his drinking now he is responsible for all his own bills and I'm better off financially without his wage...I've booked a holiday to Salou for next year after not being able to afford a holiday for the past 4 years

My biggest regret is that I didnt give him an ultimatium when he started to drink heavily: us or the drink and then stick to it...it would have saved my dc seeing their dad slobbed out on the sofa still drunk or hearing him accuse me of cheating because I wouldnt argue at 2am sigh

How many last chances has he had ? How many more will you give him ?

I think the fact that he has got up and taken your child out for the day sort of points in the direction of his guilt and he knows he has done wrong.

Does he recognise he has a drink problem? Either ask him to seek help or stick by your agreement and that he's had his last chance.

You cannot make him stop drinking unless he wants to. My DH sees my comments on his drinking (more chronic everyday boozing than super-pissed-up bingeing) as me being a control freak. We had many discussions about it in between family events over the last 2 years and now he has moved out. Initially I felt immense relief, but now am beginning to feel depressed - it is hard with money and DCs. But he hasn't modified his drinking and in between the poor me talk I get pissed late night aggressive texts. If you have had enough you need to spell it out and he had to leave. If he can sort it , great, but his occupation is going to make that tough. Good luck

Can only agree with all of the above, good advice there - he's not going to change until you give him the shock, and even then, there's a good chance he'll still continue to put alcohol before you.

You are in a three-way relationship - you, him and alcohol. You need to decide whether, on balance, it's better for you to be in that relationship or out of it.