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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The zillionth 'Am I Being Unreasonable' thread

12 replies

fedupandhormonal · 26/06/2006 22:38

Obviously I have changed my name for this rant

Dh is really annoying me at the moment. However, I am suffering from depression and PMT at the moment, so I might be wrong. Opinions please, but no 'he's a knob' or 'Leave him' please.

Dh is anal about the car. He likes to keep it looking nice. No problem so far. However, I gave a heavily pg friend a lift to school the other week, and she had sand on her shoe, which scratched the bit you have to step over to get into the car. I explained that she was very large and 'cumbersome' (for want of a better word), and that it is hard to get in and out of a car when you are about to give birth. So, he said I should not give her a lift in future...

Of course, I told him to bog off, and that I would give her (and her dd obviously!) a lift whenever she asked, and that she would no doubt do the same if the situation was reversed. (She can't drive). To me, a car is a tool. He then asked me to tell her to be careful when getting in the car.

So, today, I mention that I gave said friend another lift, and he asked me if the car had been scratched again. I said I didn't know. He then proceeded to get the car out of the garage to check for scratches. I told him that he was the limit, but left it at that.

Then, he had a go at me for spending £62 on two throws and 4 cushions for the knackered sofas, despite telling me to buy throws only yesterday. Apparently he thought that the throws would look better than they do (erm...they are throws ffs, not new covers). He also doesn't think the colours match (they do).

Because I was annoyed at him, I went upstairs to do my nails and watch BB. He came up in the break, and asked why I was away from him. I told him that he had been winding me up, and that I needed to get away from him. I said that I understood that he hated his new job and the travelling, but that I also hated getting the brunt of his tiredness every night. He then told me that he always bears the brunt when I'm depressed, and asked what sort of relationship we have if I can't 'be there' for him. I was there for him when he was unhappy in his old job, and was prepared to go to work full-time, so that he could take a year off work and think about changing career. That is 'being there' IMO.

Well, our relationship is like brother and sister. He doesn't fancy me when I need to lose weight, and then expects me to fall over backwards with my legs apart when I have lost the weight and he wants me again...

I'm just really fed up at the moment, although I do appreciate the freedom that I have now that ds is at school. Am I wrong to feel like he is too controlling? I know I can be a bitch when I'm depressed, so I'm not perfect.

OP posts:
fedupandhormonal · 26/06/2006 22:53

Sorry, I know it's long, but BUMP!

OP posts:
Xavielli · 26/06/2006 22:55

Boys and their toys eh?

I have no advice but didnt want you to think no one was listening.

He does need to get over the weight issue tho...He should be with you for your heart and personality... not whats on the outside... but you knew that.

exrebel · 26/06/2006 22:56

I think you are not unreasonable at all and he has been to me. The car obsession sounds like he is the unhappy one, and he lost sight of what matters. taking everything you said makes me think that he pissed off with the world around him and he is looking for confrontation

it could be you could just be there for him in this phase, if it is a phase. I have to assume that he has got a good side.. !?!? the overweight bit is something so hurtful, and it does not sound like a phase. I am not sure I would be able to be so forgiving about that.

Piffle · 26/06/2006 22:57

Is the car a Ferrari/Lamborghini/Porsche?
If not then he's been a twunt darling!
How is being in the same room as him "being" there for him exactly, by being upstairs how are you not being there for him?
It's give and take, there is no fair quota for who gets give and take exactly, its a fluid system based on understanding and compassion and LOVE!

collision · 26/06/2006 23:00

But men can be so anal about things like cars. It is probably just one of his 'things'!

Men are so inconsiderate at times but they are not mindreaders and sometimes you just need to sit down and spell it out to them.

You obv still love him so why dont you spice your lives up a bit and get a babysitter and take him out as a surprise.

If you are depressed and he is fed up with work then it just adds up to bickering and arguing which is what neither of you want.

I would try and communicate more with him and take him out on a date!

fedupandhormonal · 26/06/2006 23:01

Yes, he does have a good side! We've been together for 18 years.... He is very supportive of my depression most of the time.

He has always been very controlling, but I do stand up for myself most of the time. It just begins to get me down sometimes. I know he's not happy in his new job, and I hate the fact that my life is better since he stopped working from home! I feel mean.

I do see how annoying it is for him to have a newish car that he looks after scratched by someone. However, I can't and won't tell my friend that she must watch her feet. How rude and patronising is that!

The weight thing is a long-term issue. He accepts that he is shallow, and says that he loves me, but I wonder if it's just complacency rather than intimacy.

OP posts:
fedupandhormonal · 26/06/2006 23:03

Collision - the date thing is good. We do need a break. I just feel all bitter and twisted, and it makes me not want to bother! Selfish I know! I also know that I need to be the better person and arrange something. Think I will tomorrow...

OP posts:
exrebel · 26/06/2006 23:10

just to clarify yes, i can begin to understand being very upset about the car scratch, and the being a man argument, it is the bit about suggesting that you should not help a friend in need that made me think that it is more than being anal thing. a normal reaction would be to be angry and annoyed about it, but then you get over it as you knoe that things can get damadged if you use them.

collision · 26/06/2006 23:14

Yeah but if you are tired and fed up and dealing with a partner with PND and PMT (no offense intended BTW) it is easy to snap and be unreasonable about nothing.

Dinner for 2 and a good chat is my prescription for you both!!

exrebel · 26/06/2006 23:14

you are not bitter and twisted, you are feeling down and as result you are feeling guilty about your feelings

fedupandhormonal · 26/06/2006 23:18

No offence taken Collision...I did say that I might be being unreasonable in this instance. He is like this over a lot of issues though, and has been ever since I have known him. It got worse, or maybe just less bearable, when ds was a baby and he worked from home. There was no escaping it then.

OP posts:
fedupandhormonal · 26/06/2006 23:19

I think I need to review it when I am not suffering from PMT, so I can hold a rational conversation. Dinner is also a good neutral ground. Thanks to everyone who has responded. I do appreciate it.

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