Very confused and scared: facing amiable split

[WantToMakeTheBestDecionForEver]

Compared with some of your horror stories, I feel like a fraud posting on here but I don't know where to post. It may be amiable but it is still stomach clenchingly petrifying and sad. I haven't worked for 12 years, don't have a degree, we have 3 small children (youngest is 1), haven't lived in the UK for 10 years, nowhere to call home, yes, there is a lot of money in the marriage (DH) but my life will change irrevocably. I'm old, fat and past it with no career prospects or pension (we made property investments will now be used to finance divorce and new homes). No-one that I want will want me. I'm so scared and sad. My children will have divorced parents and so the cycle starts again.

fuck fuck fuck

Yes your life will change. I hope that moving back to the UK (if that is your plan) will let lots of opportunities open up for you. As soon as you establish where you are going to live you'll be able to join a nice gym which will have a crèche & probably a beauticians. You'll be able to sign up your older DCs for swimming/tennis/gym/ballet/karate & meet other people with similar interests (even if it's just having children). You'll be able to wear lovely clothes in beautiful fibers regardless of size as they are available if you have money, which you do - Marina Rinaldi jeans or NYDJs with cashmere jumpers & boots. There will be lots of other mothers who work from home or are SAHM so able to meet up with you.

Then as the DCs get more settled you will remember what you like doing & find interesting, art galleries? Theatre? Films? History? Music?

Life will be hard but you will be ok, really . As the great Caitlin Moran once said, if things are really tough have a cup of tea & a biscuit & they'll seem better.

Amiable? So the split was your idea? You sound as though your confidence is extraordinarily low and I can't help thinking that's because you've been unhappy for quite some time. What your children have are 'parents' - you just happen to live in different houses. If it's amiable and you both resolve put them first there's no reason why they should be adversely affected. You may find independence is a blessing in disguise, giving you the motivation to retrain, lose weight, build up your confidence and restore your self-respect. You won't need anyone to 'want you' .... .

It's amiable in that there is no-one else. I'm not in love with my husband but like, admire and respect him (he is the ultimate gentleman) but he is being the brave one and said we can't live like this anymore. He is devastated by my lack of affection (not just sex) and can't live with me when he loves me. He is being the brave, admirable one because he is right but I am looking at the rest of my life and shaking. Even which country to go to is very unclear and we want our children to have both of us as much as possible.

I only know one divorced woman my age (43) and she has had her life ruined by a serial cheater. My mum lost so many of her married friends when my parents broke up and that scares me too. I was lonely before DH and, even though I have my children, the threat of that loneliness is like a black shadow again.

The biggest irony is that I present like the strongest, most energetic do-er around. I'm on committees, throw great parties, sort out problems but it feels like such an act. No-one sees what a bitch i am.

Why have you gone off your husband so much? If you have a one year old things must only have got so bad in the last 18 months or so. (Unless your baby was an attempt to glue you both together again).

So you're basing your anxiety on just two divorcees and a fear of loneliness? There are millions of us out there, and quite a lot of us are are extremely sociable, not lonely, and quite satisfied with what we can achieve as independent women. It's the day you realise that it's not down to some man to make you happy and that you're content in your (fat or otherwise) skin that you can really start living.

3rd baby wasn't entirely planned, and we've only had sex 3 times since conception. And Eastpoint i really liked your practical suggestions.

I think this is one of those situations that i have to work through but (just had a good cry) try to not let the self pity engulf me.

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Thanks cog, just writing it down helped, tbh.

If you come back to the UK and you really have got lots of money I can send you to a great hairdressers.

Write lots of lists & do the hardest things first.

Yes. He decided on Friday night and we are going to do some psychotherapy for 6 months and see if anything changes. I'm hoping miraculously to start to fancy him or utopian to divorce and remain the very best of friends.