DM, is she passive aggressive, annoying or is it me?

[Snoot]

DM is currently abroad, visiting my prodigal DS for a few months. I've tended to withdraw and not commit emotionally as I've always known I'm not the favourite, DM has gone away before and I've got used to getting by on my own. I've tried to disclose more recently after persistent probing by DM and her DP.

So I mentioned in an email this week that I was missing her, the reply is below:

"Thanks for reply.
Sorry you are missing me. Life is very difficult for me with my girls being so far apart."

Way to make it all about her? Or am I being precious?

I don't know, I think she's just trying to say it's hard with you both being in other places.

Obviously you know why you feel your not the favourite, but maybe she doesn't see it like that and that's why they've been probing. If she's aware you think DS is the favourite, she might have took it as you complaining that she was with her.

Thanks Moment for your thoughtful reply. I suppose I'd have preferred more of an acknowledgement of my feelings than "sorry you are missing me", it feels like a kind of non-apology, not that it should be an apology, just that it feels like a total way of putting it all on to me and accepting no responsibility herself. When she's here she expects full involvement in my family but when she's away she accepts no responsibility for feelings of loss on our part. It's hard to fully embrace her when present and turn those feelings off when she's away. I don't know if that makes sense!

Yes I think I get what you're saying. Perhaps she is just generally not very good at showing her feelings? It does seem slightly off, I suppose if it were me I'd expect something like 'really missing you too.' But I do think the phrasing 'my girls' sounds quite affectionate.

Some people are just a bit rubbish at emotions/feelings. I know it's different because it's you Mum, but I have friends and family who seem to only be able to focus on one person or situation at a time. Maybe when with your sister, DM is all wrapped up with her and visa versa when back home.

On the face of it, her reply does sound a bit "poor me, my life is so hard, there's only so much of me to go around."

But I'm not sure how else she could have replied? I suppose "I miss you too" might have been nice.

It sounds like this relationship is not a naturally affectionate one, but it sounds to me like that is true from both sides. she expects full involvement sounds like you see more of her than you'd like, but then turn those feelings off when she's away sounds as if you genuinely do miss her when she's not there.

I'm not sure what reply you would have liked from her? Not meant to sound snippy, just wondering what you really want from her. Maybe she is wondering too?

DM has always suffered from depression which I think makes her very self-centred. It's the main reason I've always held off committing too much, it always gets turned around into being about her and never forgotten! I did say to her recently (upon extreme probing!) that everything wasn't always about her, it was a very freeing moment when she didn't burst into tears or jump into victim mode . Perhaps I'm just doing the same thing. It's not all about me, I totally accept that, it's just I suppose I find it hard to see the middle line?

MrsPennyapple I think you're right, neither of us is sure how affectionate we can afford to be, I suppose that sounds pretty messed up, eh? I really, really hope I'm not repeating the same pattern with my DC. I should be able to express these feelings to her but that's totally beyond me as I don't want to cause DM hurt or to have blame come back to me.

I think you're reading way too much into all this. Everything you write is so loaded. The DS (sister?) is 'prodigal'. You're not the favourite. You're upset because she wrote a sentence because it wasn't phrased exactly how you'd like it phrased.. and then you're analysing it to death? Are you rather bored that you spend a lot of time chewing over this kind of trivial stuff because it sounds very self-inflicted and destructive?