Is it just my hormones

[wifey6]

Me & DH have been married 5+ years - before we had DS1 (3) we did a lot together - meals, days out etc. We struggled after DS arrived as both our attentions were focused on him (rightfully so)
& I think we both felt a bit 'pushed to the side. But we
worked hard & got back on
track. We had an emotional
time with the loss of our baby in 2012. We welcomed DS2 a few weeks ago. Once again
the dynamics has changed & I feel he isn't interested in 'my life'. He goes to work (he works hard) in a stressful environment & I am a SAHM.
I always ask about his day etc & he does hobbies & has 'his time' yet I feel I'm rarely able to do this & he doesn't seem interested or will ask about my day. Which must seem boring to some. This
must sound selfish & I don't
mean it to.
Sorry for long post

Not hormones. You're just fed up being taken for granted and ignored. Happens a lot when a relationship is too one-sided and - sorry to say - really common in the SAHM set-up. Sit him down, tell him that you're fed up being ignorned and that things need rebalancing. I'm sure you appreciate the money he brings into the house but it's not enough. You need more time to yourself, he needs to engage more with the family.... demand to be heard.

I think having a toddler and a newborn is a difficult time for a relationship. When you are having family time, previously you were drawn together over DS1 but now you are likely to be split up (one with toddler and one with baby).

DH and I went on a marriage course at around this stage, it really helped us communicate better and understand each other's point of view.

Thank you Cogito & tumble -
Cogito - yes I think it is about feeling taken for granted as it feels my life has changed so drastically to be a SAHM (not that I mind as I love being with my children) but I do feel resentful in a way I guess as DH life is the same (although I know he feels pressure to provide for us)
tumble - I was thinking of looking in to some sort of marriage support/ communication based help. Was it a long process? Did you have to go private? I'm not sure how my husband would feel about it as he is a very private person- but I feel it could benefit us or maybe something just for myself to help me communicate these things better

With respect, you've got to stop being so conciliatory. Do you think, when your DH goes to work in his stressful environment, the people who want his attention suggest they all get in a room with a counsellor to talk through their issues?? Do they respect his privacy and tippy-toe around him?? The hell they do... So take a leaf out of their book and do the same. If you're not being heard, ffs SHOUT. Demand attention. Insist. Persist

This is the course we went on. It takes 7 weeks and is not expensive at all. There is a religious element to it, but if you're not comfortable with that I'm sure you could find a non-religious alternative.

My DH is also a very private person - the thing about this course is that all the discussions are between you and your husband only, without a counsellor or anyone else present. The course just points you in the direction of the things you may need to discuss (ie common problems in a marriage) and gives you space to do so.

Cogito - yes you are right. I guess I don't want to 'add to his stress' so I just get on with things but I can't anymore. But at the same time - I have my own stresses and this is just adding to it so needs sorting.
tumble - thank you for the link. I wouldn't mind the religious element to be honest. So glad it worked for you and your DH.

It's as though he senses something as he has said he's having the boys this afternoon while I meet with a few friends who are holding a fundraiser.

His family is not 'stress'. You are not 'stress'. He's part of the family and everything that involves. Be the silent 'wifey' and don't be surprised if you become invisible.

I concur with the earlier posters, wifey6. After the joy of DS1 and the grief of the mc last year, things may have settled since DS2 arrived but contentment doesn't mean the marriage has atrophied. Don't think you are 'hormonal' for wanting DH to pay you attention and show interest. You're not relegated to nanny and housekeeper because you're a SAHM. Any more than he is condemned to be a wage slave humoured at home time or weekends and Bank Holidays.

An affectionate touch, a kind word or thoughtful deed doesn't cost anything. Some might say, taking the initiative domestically and treating your spouse like the person you fancied enough to marry instead of a blurry outlune is in itself an aphrodisiac.

outline

I agree with Tumble's advice. I second the marriage course.

I also recommend a course called Marriage Encounter.

All the best and good luck, you sound lovely.

I agree Donkeys...he had our boys for a few hours earlier while I went to a fundraiser & when he met me afterwards we was full of questions about what I'd been up to, was excited to see what I'd bought for the boys & wanted to tell me all about their time together. It was so nice to be asked & for us to have such a great chat.
mrss...thank you.