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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How on earth do you make friends these days???

35 replies

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 19:50

Hi everyone,
Just wanted a bit of advice really. Apart from my lovely fiance, I don't have any close friends at all. Naturally, this leaves me feeling quite lonely and isolated. My fiance works away a lot and is away for weekends on a fairly regular basis. I don't begrudge him this as he is working overtime to pay for our wedding/honeymoon. As for the reasons why I don't have anyone to turn to friendship wise, I think several reasons have all combined to make this difficult. Firstly, I've moved house and so am living in a new area. Then, my best friend and I have fallen out due to the fact she didn't like my fiance (or rather the fact that I wouldn't be at her total beck and call anymore), my other best friend has moved away to London (I'm Derbyshire based). Also, I'm an only child and so don't have siblings to hang out with. Lastly, I know most people make friends at work, but due to me being a senior leader in my place of work, it's a bit 'them and us' e.g. staff arranging to do things without me because they don't want the boss there. Totally understandable, but on a personal level, it does make me feel really very isolated. Has anyone else been in this kind of position? If so, how did you get through it? Thanks in advance :) x

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 19:56

Add 'lone parent' into the mix and I've faced a lot of what you describe... not my home town, far away from family, friends moving on etc... with the added wrinkle of having to find babysitters which, lucky you, you don't have! I've gone the hobby route to meet new people. Mine's music and there's always some singing group needs extra bodies if you look around. Takes a while to go from 'joining in' to 'making friends' but there's nothing like a common interest to make conversation easy.

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:01

Good point. I'm really into music etc and would love to learn how to cook (properly!!) and so maybe some classes would be a good thing. It's just awful though to look at your colleagues and be jealous of their friendships with one another. It has really had a negative effect on my mental health and I know I am lucky to have partner to support me, but the thing is, I'm very independent and I don't want anyone (and most importantly him) feeling sorry for me. I am lucky on the 'lone parent' front but very soon we will have little ones (hopefully) and I'm sure he'll still be working away and so I wanted to establish a network before that happens - here's hoping :) x

OP posts:

MadameLeBean · 28/09/2013 20:08

Same boat here

My 2 best friends moved abroad - I don't have much free time due to crazy job plus dd.

I have a friend who works all hours in M&A so never see her. Another friend lives 1hr away by train and is sahm to 2 boys I never see her either.

Also I moved here 2 yrs ago to start this job so didn't have a lot of friends here. Some of my uni friends have since moved here but I don't have any close friends or a group that I hang out with.

DP has 2-4 v good friends here who he sees regularly.

I'm pretty lonely and not sure what I can change. I'd love to have one or two female friends that I could see regularly for shits and giggles

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:13

Hi MadameLeBean,
I feel very much the same as you. I have been at a complete loss to work out what I can change to make new friends. It would just be lovely to get the girls round for drinks and food or a night out or whatever. Have just been watching 'Sex and the City' and having friendship envy!!! How tragic am I??!!! Hahaha x

OP posts:

BardOfBarking · 28/09/2013 20:13

shits and giggles????

The Mind boggles MadameLeBean

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:14

The other contributing factor is that I don't (can't have) any social media due to my line of work and so for that reason, also can't get in touch with people that way - GRRRRRRRRRRRR!! Hate being Norman no mates!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:15

Shits and giggles are good! Been a long time since I had some of those!! ;)

OP posts:

MadameLeBean · 28/09/2013 20:15

Sorry bit of unfortunate phrasing there!

Second night of the weekend I am on sofa with wine, a film and dd (8)

How sad am I?

Parmarella · 28/09/2013 20:16

Madamelebean OMG

LOL

MadameLeBean · 28/09/2013 20:16

Ooh I'm curious what is your line of work?

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:17

Me = Lasagne, duvet and Sex and the City, comfy but not chic pjs... oh and the obligatory cat. Tragic. Lol

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 28/09/2013 20:18

You could start volunteering with a charity, or maybe join a tennis club.

I think tennis is good, as you may find people who are looking for an opponent. It forces people to talk more. You may meet other senior leaders who are in a similar position, needing friends that are not connected to work. Our local tennis club has a bar and a busy social scene.

MadameLeBean · 28/09/2013 20:21

I feel like everyone my age already has established "best" friends

Not to mention the fact everyone is already cohabiting / engaged / married which makes it harder (I live with my DP which is lovely but easy to be lazy re socialising)

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:22

Have pmed you MadameLeBean :)

OP posts:

TheCountessOlenska · 28/09/2013 20:24

Just to say - I was in a similar position to you a few years ago (well, not senior at work sadly ) and I actually found that having a baby was the best thing to happen to my social life for years! I joined every group going and although it was hard work to get past the slightly dull baby chatter, I found some great interesting girl friends. Sadly none of us ever get of the house because we have children but still...

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:24

Haha, you have never seen me play tennis!! I am the most unco-ordinated person in the WORLD!!!

Yes, everyone I know already has established best friends and I think at my age (early 30's) everyone is either busy with young children, busy with DPs and enjoying time in together etc.

We are very lazy re: socialising. I think it's due to long working hours and the fact that when he's about, it's one of the few times in the week I get to see him. I totally see where you're coming from MadameLeBean!

OP posts:

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:27

Hi Countess,
Yes my DP said it would be easier to meet someone when we have children. I'm glad you said 'slightly dull baby chatter' - that's exactly how I'd feel! Would be great to meet some people sooner tho - babies are a year or two away and there's only so much hanging out with the cat I can do!! lol x

OP posts:

MadameLeBean · 28/09/2013 20:28

Tbf the mums from dd's school are all a good laugh although they are mostly 15-20y older than me

Perhaps I should just invite them over for dinner ashamed of my shabby house

Xenadog · 28/09/2013 20:28

OP you need to make some new, local friends. Volunteering is good as people who volunteer are usually really nice and friendly. What about joining a meet up club (look on line for some thing close to you) or a book group too?

Of course it takes a while to "click" with other people but by keeping yourself busy you will stave off some of the loneliness for a while until you do "click."

No other advice other than get yourself out there.

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:32

Very good point Xenadog. Will definitely look into volunteering and meet up clubs. I just feel a bit deflated, I can't make friends easily. I do suppose it is a matter of getting out there. I think the fact that work makes me feel isolated makes me a bit nervous about making friends in other areas of life.

OP posts:

MadameLeBean · 28/09/2013 20:33

Also it's hard cos my work is very male dominated and they are all sexist wankers

EBearhug · 28/09/2013 20:37

There are lots of evening classes just starting at this time of year.

And people keep telling me to join a walking group - which I have, but I have so far failed to make it to a single walk...

fossil971 · 28/09/2013 20:38

Village or town?

You just need to get stuck into a few things. Book group, Womens Institute (if they are called something like Burton Belles you are normally onto a good thing). Go riding or rock climbing (you do live in Derbyshire after all). Music to play or listen - how about joining a choral group? All these things often end up with evenings in the pub and christmas do's etc, you soon get to know people. Cookery classes sounds a lovely idea.

Lots of people never move from family/where they grew up and don't need to make the effort to make friends. So don't feel bad, moving somewhere without kids is hard work. I live miles from all my colleagues so never see anyone outside work, but we now have quite a few friends locally. If you do have DC one day you will be submerged in mummy-land which does help.

MN counts as socialising IMO!

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:38

Urgh, nothing worse than sexist wankery!! Ah well, at least there's nice people on mumsnet to chat to!! Oh and Xfactor!! Haha x

OP posts:

Original poster

U2lady1981 · 28/09/2013 20:41

Village but not far from a few small towns. MN definitely does count as socialising. I shall absolutely try a cookery class and my skills are abysmal - so even if I don't make any friends out of it... I should actually end up being able to feed myself! Winner!
I hope mummy-land involves lots of wine!! x

OP posts:

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