Dfriend and her dh - how to help

[SmallDancingDays]

Sorry this is long but don't want to dripfeed - we were at a party with a group of friends I've known for years. My dfriend’s ds(5 yrs old) was tired. Her dh took ds out to car for a rest (it was parked 5 cars down from the entrance to the venue).
A few minutes later, her ds came back in on his own and told my dfriend that his ddad had told him to stay whilst he unlocked the car but ds had ran back to her.
Dfriend immediately gave ds into trouble for running away and took ds out as she realised her dh would be looking for him. Her dh came in, frantic and angry, shouted at ds and smacked him twice.
Dfriend stopped him smacking more. Then her dh told her that if she didn’t stop undermining his parenting then she would have to do all the parenting herself.
They went home. Once they got home, her ds said sorry to his ddad but he wouldn't accept his apology.
Next morning, dfriend's dh told her that she had undermined his parenting (by stopping him smacking) so he wasn’t going to have anything to do with ds anymore – he wasn’t going to talk to him, play with him, cuddle him, etc. Also that he wasn’t going to pay his private school fees anymore so dfriend had to find a new school for ds on Monday. (Her ds has just got settled into a lovely little school that his ddad really wanted him to attend).
Her dh is stressed about work/finances, etc at the moment but I think he has crossed a line and dfriend should leave.
She’s feeling pretty devastated about it all. She knows her ds was wrong and shouldn’t have run away, and also feels bad that her dh feels she undermined him, but she also feels her dh’s reaction has completely shifted the focus from dc’s behaviour to her dh’s.
I want to support her and dc in the best way possible.

Tell her to leave the nasty bullying prick. Doubt she will listen though. Alternatively, do you know any big blokes who you can send round to knock seven bells out of him? Taste of his own medicine and all that.

So in the first instance, I think the dad has committed a crime. Whilst one smack might still be legal under certain circumstances, I don't think two with the intention to do more could reasonably be considered so. So she was less 'undermining his parenting' and more 'trying to keep him out of prison'.

His reaction is ludicrously extreme and an indication that the smacking was symptomatic of a much greater problem - he clearly thinks he calls the shots on everything about their life, and can withdraw his affection, as well as his practical and financial contribution to the family at the drop of a hat.

This is an immensely damaging environment for her son to be in. It will only get worse; at 5 her son is only starting to assert his own personality, wishes and opinions. At a time when he should be being encouraged to develop these he will be punished for them.

Awful.

Hang on a minute. Was this incident part of a bigger pattern of aggression or unreasonable behaviour from the DH or was it out of character? You say he's got money worries, his job's on the line and various other stressful things. Clearly the private school was an unaffordable mistake and, I don't know about anyone else, but when my DS has run off and gone missing, I've alternated between wanting to kill him and relieved I've found him. 'Frantic and angry' ... I recognise that.

If this is normal for him she should LTB... but if it's a one-off I don't think she should be so hasty. The boy won't be damaged by one smack

he wasn’t going to talk to him, play with him, cuddle him, etc. this bit needs more explanation. If he meant it, that's child abuse.

I'd tend to agree that the scenario above needs to be set in context, but even when my DC have driven me up the wall, across the ceiling and back down the other side, I don't think I've even thought about with-holding a relationship from my DC, let alone threatening it.

If what's actually happened is that this is a massive row following years of completely mismatched parenting styles, however, what your Dfriend has reported to you may not actually be what her DH has said IYSWIM. It could be her interpretation.

Although it's pretty hard to misinterpret a threat to withdraw school fees, which was a terrible piece of behaviour on her DH's part, though possibly understandable if he's under significant financial stress. He should still apologise for not bringing it up and talking about it like a calm, rational adult, however.

his reaction is pathetic and childish. So her H is going to remain living there and never speak to or interact with a 5yo child ever again?! of course not!

he needs a reality check and they both need a discussion on parenting. When I realised that me and XH were both shouting at DD, I said to him, that we dont shout at each other, its not acceptable to shout at her. Stress can cause you to react in ways that you wouldnt normally, but he needs to get a grip.

If they cant afford the school fees, then he needs to admit that to your friend

I agree with Cogito. I saw a woman lose her child the other day on a ferry - she was utterly frantic imagining him overboard and when she found him she went completely nuts in front of about 400 gawping strangers and smacked him, he looked terrified and was in tears and I felt nothing but sympathy for her. I can imagine that she would want to stop him smacking but unless this is part of a bigger story we have to assume he would not have carried on.

He is saying all these things because he is angry and ashamed. They should all calm down and then talk it through.

Talk of keeping him out of prison is just nonsense in my opinion - a parent can smack with an open hand without leaving a mark i believe and he is a parent.

Thanks for the different perspectives. I'm packing to go on hols so sorry I wasn't back sooner.
Dahlen I think the mismatched parenting styles is key. They thought they had similar parenting styles until they actually had a child iyswim and then it seems her dh's commitment to positive parenting without smacking changed. I don't know how they can create a space for both of them to parent when they're so different although part of me thinks they can't be the first parents to have faced that conflict.
I guess her dh was probably still angry this morning hence all the threats about finances and with-holding affection. I was just a bit wtaf about ignoring a child?!?
I totally get the feeling angry and frantic. I lost ds once in a shop and was a complete state.

I think you should probably stay out of this btw. I don't think it's a child protection issue, your friend's side of the story sounds very biased and some of it doesn't really ring true.