Mourning a relationship - Intense pain

[helpmeifyoucan1]

Can anyone help me please?

It's too painful to go into details but I have reached the end of a 9 year relationship recently (not by choice but not without issues) and am experiencing pain that I cannot deal with -

House filled with so many memories I want to walk around in a blindfold
Can't eat, sleep, get enthused about anything
Don't want to go to the shops/tidy/buy clothes
Waking in night and recurrent nightmares
Work massively suffering
Can't concentrate
Try to rationalise stuff in a usually normal and feisty working brain but reach and nothing is there but a dark cloud
Can't even rest for long enough to watch TV/a film
Have great friends that I can't bear to see or be around
Lost interest in things I used to love

Is this normal, will it get better, do I need anti-depressants (please say no) and is there any hope? Normally I am the life and soul and wise enough to say, just pick yourself up and get on with it, but I simply can't see a way out of this. Please help x

I felt like this a couple of months ago. It is a sort of grief based depression. You know the answer is to 'pick yourself up and get on with it' but if you can't see how to then you need help.

Counselling helped me to find a way through. And then online dating really helped (much more fun than counselling!). The distraction it provided and the hope for the future was just what I needed (and the hugs). Without the counselling I couldn't have begun to date.

Maybe start by visiting your gp? Or look for a private counsellor with the bacp?

Normalish....things will get better. You may benefit from counselling help or the gp possibly. See how you feel in a couple of days? Tis grief...a horribble thing. x

I'm really sorry to hear that you're suffering so much.

How long was it since you split? Do you think there's any chance of a reconciliation?

I've felt exactly as you had described one breakup - I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate or find pleasure in anything. The pain was indescribable - I barely left my bed for a month and couldn't bear to see or speak to my loved ones.

I'm not a drama queen and had been through my share of long term relationship breakdowns before, but in each case, the relationship had run its course and I could reason with myself why it ended.

I'm usually incredibly feisty and it scared the life out of me that this relationship breakup hit me so hard. Ultimately I was so distraught because I couldn't reconcile why the relationship ended.

The end result was that we got back together, resolved our issues and years later are stronger than ever, and far more appreciative of each other.

I don't know the circumstances of your breakup, so I'm not suggesting you and your partner should get back together, I'm simply relaying my experience of the one and only time I felt as low as you describe.

I really hope that you feel better soon and you get some closure, whether that's realising he was not right for you and moving on, or realising it's worth fighting for and trying again x

So sorry to hear how youre feeling. Grieving the end of a relationship is terrrible. Having been there before, I know it can debilitating and traumatic. Im a pretty strong person and it floored me. You will get through this, albeit its hard.

It seems you dont want anti-depressants but have you thought about St Johns Wort? Its good for lifting the mood and works as well as some anti depressants.

& maybe something to help you sleep naturally...Kalms, Quiet Nights etc. Interrupted sleep is horrible, I know..& I used to dream about my ex which was awful.

It does feel like you dont want to look after yourself but, can you try? Eat well, got to a keep fit class or gym if thats your thing, or even a dance class. Something to give you routine and lift your spirits.

Put away everything in your house that holds memories of your ex. You dont have to throw it away, just put in a big box or bag then out of sight. You say you have great friends, eventually youll feel able to share with them. & if you ever feel you want or need therapy then go for it, right now its all about getting yourself back to a place where you can function normally. Whatever it takes. Good luck

Yes, it's normal. I feel for you. It's grief - you have suffered a bereavement, in the sense that the landscape of your life has changed and the future you imagined has gone. With nothing yet to replace it, you feel as though you're in a huge, howling void. It's horrible.

Take care of your basic needs, please. Eat food and drink fluids. Doesn't really matter what you eat, just so long as you do. Sleep, wash, brush your hair, etc. If you can't sleep, see your doctor. Modern sleeping pills aren't the scary knock-out drops they used to be.

I agree about putting new things in your life. It's important to give the 'real' you chances to peek out from all this grief, so anything you've always loved to do - or always fancied trying - is a great idea just now. Rearranging the house, changing things, is helpful too.

Ideally, you could allot one hour a day for howling and hair-tearing, preferably in a nice warm bath. That proved impossible for me - I spent ten days slumped on the floor, crying. As I learned later, the overwhelming sense of abandonment I felt was disproportionate and was a clue to issues I needed to address in therapy. That may be something for you to think about in the future but, for now, just make each day more bearable and stay healthy.

If it all gets really too much, phone the Samaritans. They're great.
Wishing you peace of mind :)

I'd also say it's a normal grief process. The inability to concentrate especially. So sorry you're going through this. Do you have friends or family that you can be with? I found the worst times were when my mind was 'idling' and all I could think about was depressing stuff. By staying busy and being with other people I could reduce that.... and they didn't seem to mind that I was not my usual self.

If you're really struggling, do think about seeing your GP. Good luck