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Original poster

Have Ex staying with me for a week and need some coping strategies!

18 replies

Mrscaindingle · 27/09/2013 21:01

I will try not to be too long.
Basically split up with H 3 months ago, he lives abroad and this is his first visit back since split. We have 2 DC age 12 and 9 and split has been acrimonious at least on my part due to his decision to stay where he is (he requested a further 2 year contract) and the fact that he presented me with divorce papers when we went to visit him in the summer having only decided to split 3weeks prior to that.
I am quite angry with him as I don't feel he has been honest with me! has obviously been planning to leave for a long time now without telling me and I strongly suspect an OW although he denies this.
Anyway I agreed for him to stay with us to help DC who have just bee informed of split. But. I am seriously reconsidering he arrived a couple of hours ago and I seriously don't think I can do this. I am finding it difficult to be in the same room let alone have a conversation I really want to scream at him but I did all that in the summer and it made no difference.
I'm finding it really hard to forgive him for the way he has treated me and his willingness to leave us all behind in his haste to move on to his new life.
Thing is if I tell him to go will DC blame me as they are expecting to see him over the next week and they see little enough of him as it is.
Some advice from the wise MNers would be appreciated as I am hiding up in my room right now.

OP posts:
davidsotherhalf · 27/09/2013 21:16

can you go and stay with friends, family? leave him with kids for a few days, that way you can keep calm and stress free and won't be seen as the bad guy by the kids if you ask him to leave

whitsernam · 27/09/2013 21:18

Does he still have friends/family near you? He should come pick up the kids and take them out... ime they will be confused by him being in your home as you are not "together"

perfectstorm · 27/09/2013 21:42

He can stay with friends or in a hotel and take them out, as suggested. I appreciate your kids will be disappointed, but the reality is he's decided to live abroad as he has and you need to be emotionally intact in order to care for them. The current arrangement is untenable if you're to manage to keep it together after he flies back - and your state of mind is essential to their welfare.

Tell him you can't handle it and he needs to be out tomorrow. As your soon to be divorced husband his sleeping arrangements when seeing the kids are not your problem.

wellthatsdoneit · 27/09/2013 21:46

You can't stay there whilst he is - its dysfunctional and gives your dc's a confusing message. Is there anyone you can stay with for the duration? Would your dc's be ok with that? If not, he can get a cheap b&b.

Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 27/09/2013 22:51

Yeah I think he will have to go, I hadn't really considered that it would be giving the kids mixed messages I was trying to do what was best for them but it's really not best for them to see me stressed and hiding in my room. Plus the atmosphere is not great which they must be picking up on.
I will tell him tomorrow, I knew I would get better advice here than anywhere else Smile

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Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 27/09/2013 22:57

I could go away over the weekend but not sure that would be fair to DS1 who is quite angry at his Dad right now. I don't think he would be too happy being left on his own with him at the moment.
I'm working next week so not really doable for me to be away, yep ex has to go really.

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elastamum · 27/09/2013 23:00

Poor you Sad He is an adult and responsible for the fall out of his own choices. Tell him to check into a local hotel so he can come and see the children / take them out.

Dont, whatever he says, move out of your own house for him - it is YOUR home.

perfectstorm · 27/09/2013 23:03

Yeah, I don't see any way it would be fair or in the kids' best interests to see Dad swan in and take over while Mum humbly retreats to someone's sofa for a week after he's done what he has! He's asking for the moon on a stick, and tough - not having the marital home is a sacrifice he chose to make.

So sorry you're coping with this. Life can be screamingly hard sometimes.

Waferthinmint · 27/09/2013 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

evelynj · 27/09/2013 23:05

Go stay somewhere, anywhere else. At least you will feel better knowing you can leave at 8-9pm & have some ti eto yourself to rebuild your strength.

Good luck :)

elastamum · 27/09/2013 23:11

I'm sure all those recommending you leave have never dealt with an entitled STBXH.

Dont under any circumstances move out for him, or he will see himself as entitled to stay at yours. Ask him to find soemwhere else to go, as he is upsetting you, and if he shows the slightest sign of disrespect for you, show him the door.

It is yours and your DC's home. He has chosen not to be part of your family unit so he must be the one to go. He is a fully functioning adult, not some exotic pet that you need to look after whilst he is in the UK.

Be strong Mrscaindingle Smile

perfectstorm · 27/09/2013 23:30

I don't think it's your responsibility to sort him out a place to stay at all. It's your responsibility to support his relationship with the kids, sure, but he chose to leave and he can therefore arrange his own place to sleep when visiting them.

Absolutely don't move out unless you actually want the time to yourself, and it won't throw/distress the kids. Why should you?

Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 28/09/2013 04:49

He's a fully functioning adult not some exotic pet that you need to look after Grin

Thanks for all the replies and words of support, much appreciated. Am wide awake at 4:30 as funnily enough I can't sleep.

I have decided to stay at a friends tonight and then my mums who is away at the moment on Sunday night. I will come back Monday evening and then he needs to find somewhere else for the rest of the week. That way DS2 who is delighted to have his Dad back will at least get to spend a bit of time with him.

I can't get over how entitled he is though, he was actually put out that we didn't pick him up at the airport?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 06:50

Selfish people usually do think everyone else is not only there for their benefit but should be grateful for the opportunity. I'd have told him to stay in a B&B quite honestly. Never let him drive you from your own home again.

Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 28/09/2013 07:01

No cogito this will definitely be the first and last time! Now to broach Christmas, I wonder if he thinks he's coming for lunch, would not surprise me in the least.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 07:09

It's your home & your family now... your rules. Set out what's going to happen next very, very clearly because clearly this man is extremely arrogant and is not in the habit of taking anything you say seriously. 'You won't be coming for Christmas. I'll be here with the children. Make your own arrangements'... or whatever.

Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 28/09/2013 08:49

Well... just had a confrontation with ex, basically saying I was off and he would need to make arrangements for the rest of the week. Turned in to me screaming at him and casting everything up again as he seems genuinely perplexed by my reaction to everything. At one point when I accused him of leaving us to deal with everything he said " deal with what?"
Turns out he was expecting to see the DC in the house every time he comes back and for me to make myself scarceConfused as he pointed out he is paying for the house and just wants to give the DC some "normality"
During the screaming match I accused him of having an emotional affair(since he denies seeing anyone) which preceded our split and was gratified to see him visibly flinch.
Before MN I would never have known what an EA was.

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Original poster
Mrscaindingle · 28/09/2013 08:52

Think I may have shot myself in the foot though, we have not formally agreed finances and this may make him say he can't afford to pay for house if he is not able to use it.
Had planned to keep my rage more hidden than that but just so difficult.

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