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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I Feel So Lonely

8 replies

CarrotandCucumber · 27/09/2013 00:11

Recently I've been feeling horribly lonely, probably more so when I'm with friends than actually on my own! I just don't know what to do about it, I'm just having a moan I think really, but I've just come in from a particularly bad night.

There's a group (around 20) of us, who all socialise together sometimes as the whole group, but more commonly in sort of 5-10, or just two or three girls out for coffee type thing. I've always really enjoyed it, I get on well with everybody and thought I was lucky to have such a good group of friends, but with enough people that you weren't always on top of each other IYSWIM.

There were always a few couples in the group, and people's boyfriends/girlfriends tend to be amalgamated in, but suddenly everybody except me seems to have paired up! Admittedly, I'm one of the youngest in the group, but one couple's just become engaged, another have just moved in together and a third are looking for a house together. I'm really happy for them all, but when I'm out with them now I feel like I don't fit in to this 'happy couples' picture.

It's silly little things that upset me, like couples sitting holding hands, or talking about visits they've done together , just being so comfortable and intimate with each other in a way I can't be with anybody. Tonight there were fourteen of us out, six couples, me and one man in a long-distance relationship who was telling me about his girlfriend's visit up last weekend.

I'm not jealous exactly, but I feel like they're all moving on and I've been left behind. And afterwards I feel ridiculous, there's no need for me to rush into a relationship because everybody else is in one and I'm feeling left out. But when they all go off home together holding hands, I can't help but feel a bit upset and like I'm missing out.

Sorry it's so long and garbled I may have had a couple of drinks.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 27/09/2013 01:16

well, who's to say you won't meet a man sometime soon? or is there a serious issue that you don't mention, meaning you can't have a relationship and not trying to date?

bear in mind that not all these couples will stay together.

MariaLuna · 27/09/2013 01:35

Hey, by the time you meet the man you are meant to be with, they'll be splitting up. Maybe...?

There's nothing to say you have to be paired up by a certain time. Just enjoy your life and don't get hung up on other people's relationships desperation to be in one

Learn to be on your own, it is great and then when you do meet someone you are not coming from a desperate "need to be with someone" state. So many people do that and that is why there is such a huge divorce rate. (IMHO).

We live in a culture where it is considered "normal" to be in a relationship.
You only have to peruse that thread on here to see what hell that can bring...

I would expand your friendships if I were you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 07:52

"I feel like I don't fit in to this 'happy couples' picture."

Relationships are complex and what you're seeing as a happy couple on the outside might have all kinds of stresses you're unaware of. For all you know they could be looking at you and thinking 'how lucky not to be tied down with someone who leaves the loo seat up and his socks on the floor'.... Also, friendship groups change dynamic as people go through phases of life and it's important to keep on your toes making new friends and engaging in social activities that fit with the stage you're at. When couples have children that tends to change things a lot, for example.

Take advantage of your independence rather than feeling desperate to get on the marriage bandwagon.... a lot of bad decisions get made that way.

CarrotandCucumber · 27/09/2013 16:13

Thank you Smile

I feel a lot more rational about it today, it just really strange last night. I think as well, quite a few of the couples are still fairly new, so they're at the 'feel each other up when talking to somebody else and hope they won't notice' stage Grin so it was very obvious they were together too!

I haven't been out with anyone for about eighteen months now. My first serious boyfriend realised he was gay while we were going out (he's now has a nice boyfriend), and then a few months after that I had two dates with somebody before finding out he already had a girlfriend Hmm.

I've been happy on my own (quite relieved actually after the second one!) but over the last few weeks, I've realised I've been feeling lonely. I'll make an effort to meet up with some of my single friends more I think, just so not everybody I see is in couples, and try not to worry to much about it.

Thank you for listening to me rambling Thanks

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 16:35

Bridget Jones called them 'smug marrieds' for a reason :) Leave them to their bridal magazines, matching sweaters and their slow-cookers, get with your single mates and do fun single stuff. (Bad luck on the last two boyfriends...)

MadeMan · 28/09/2013 00:05

I'll bet most married couples are like that pair who run the Craggy Island shop in Father Ted.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 05:59

(Ya feckin' bastard I'll feckin' killya.... oooh helloooo Father! :) )

CarrotandCucumber · 28/09/2013 14:00

That definitely makes me feel better Grin

Those two were definitely unfortunate! In a way the second one was much easier, because it was me breaking it off, and I knew I was in the right.

The first one was horrible, because I honestly had no idea he might be gay. The breaking up was bad enough, and then people said things like "Isn't it brilliant he felt able to come out" (well, no actually, I was quite happy as we were) or (the one I really hated) "You must be so proud of him". Not quite as bad as when I met some of his new 'gay friends' and they asked how I knew him though...

Actually, I don't know why I was bothering, being single's much easier than going through that! And, hopefully, it'll be third time lucky in a few months/years/whenever Smile

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