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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just fed up with him today

11 replies

brum · 26/06/2006 13:17

Sorry for the rant but I'd appreciate some advice-I'm beginning to get close to the end of the line with dh.

I know that my dh is a good man and would do anything for ds and me but...he is so f**king lazy it's unbelieveable.
I am a SAHM and ever since I've stayed at home there's been a shift in how he relates to me.
When we first got together I was a manager running a dept, had my own flat, looked after myself and had a great social life etc. He was 27 and still living at home and never had any money. He has told me that he didn't think I would ever be interested in him.
He tells me "you're getting on a bit now love, you're not as young as you used to be" so don't expect to be able to go out and socialise.
He cannot ever ever be wrong. He puts me down in front of other people-if I voice an opinion he'll laugh at it.

He seems to think that going out to work absolves him from ever having to do anything else.
He has never been any good with money. He has a phobia-am totally serious-about checking the account balance at the cashpoint. He will come up with any amount of excuses not to check our account balance if I ask him too (I know, bizarre). So, I deal with everything financial.
He takes £150-£200 per week and that is for travel to work and lunch for 5 days.

We had an argument this mornign because I've asked him not to spend his "weekly" money over the weekend and then expect me to reimburse him on monday morning when he's decided that he's spent too much.
What's really really f**ked me off today is that he's swanned off with £80 in his pocket (for 3 days!!) and left me and DS with £2.
The argument was over the fact that he "jokingly" (so NOT a joke) asked where the £15 was that he'd spent over the weekend and when I was going to give it back to him!!!!

I'm sorry that this all probably seems to petty. I'm fed up being with a man who has never changed his attitude to money even though we have a child.
I've explained that, since we moved a few months ago, we would be tight for a fewmonths and then, after we had the opportunity to build upi a safety net, we would then be ok.
He told me recently "why can't I earn some money so that we can be frivolous again".

Then when I tell him that I can't reimburse him because the money we have is spoken for (don't get me wrong we're very far from the bread line but for the time being we have to budget-which he doesn't like) then he starts getting superior and telling me that he doesn't like the fact that we're being forced to budget, "why are we short again". We're not f**king short-we're on a budget for the moment!!

So so sorry for the long boring rant. If I don't get it our of my system then I will explode and go mad.
What would you do? How would you approach this?

Be so grateful for any replies.

OP posts:
warthog · 26/06/2006 13:26

he needs to GROW UP!!!! seriously.

you have a job - you look after your dc. he'd have to fork out a lot to replace your role. might be worth finding out how much it would cost to replace you - childminder, cleaner, cook etc.

sounds like he doesn't have nearly enough respect for you. how dare he say you shouldn't expect to go out and socialise??? i'd start planning some time out with my friends and get him to start babysitting.

how to get him to start taking responsibiliy? you could open your own account, move the money each month to it and leave him his 'pocket money' in the joint account. then if he spends it all in the first week it's too bad, you're not impacted and he'll have to start learning about money, just as if he's a child since that's how he's acting. and don't react to comments like asking for more money or reimbursing him. just ignore them. until you take a hard line, he's not going to change. he obviously sees you as a soft touch.

honestly, he needs to get his attitude sorted out PRONTO!!!

brum · 26/06/2006 13:30

Thanks for your reply warthog.
One other thing that makes me seethe is that he is always saying things like "how does it feel to have two children?"
i.e. him and my ds. Then he wonders why we haven't had sex for a while

tbh I know you're right re making him grow up. Your suggestion re an account for him is just brilliant and I will get onto that straight away!

The thing is that I'm not a pushover or a wimp or any of the things that my initial post makes me look like. I think I've lost a bit of confidence tbh

OP posts:
Beauregard · 26/06/2006 13:31

Sorry to hear that your dh is being a twit!
Sounds to me like he has a problem with you not working,you need to confront him over it now or he will only get worse.
would you like to return to work or part time job?maybe he would appreciate you a bit more then .
Failing the above you may find it easier to write him a letter explaining how you feel and that you aren't prepared to put up with being treated in this way!

brum · 26/06/2006 13:36

Hi, I know that you would think that re having a problem with my not working BUT whenever I mention returning to work it sends him into a panic. I actually think he's become complacent because I am at home-he once told me that he likes me at home because he knows where I am.
That is the hardest part-he wants, as do I, for me to stay at home with my son but he also doesn't seem to want to cater for the fact that we lost a-substantial-salary and that will have an impact on us.
I think he just never wants to ever have to think about money, lack of or any other.

OP posts:
Beauregard · 26/06/2006 13:41

He needs to wake up to the real world then or buy a winning lotto ticket
Hope you resolve the situation.

brum · 26/06/2006 13:42

How right you are. I think now that by doing all the financial side of things I'm actually just protecting him more. He's being allowed to bury his head in the sand.
Things are going to change

OP posts:
warthog · 26/06/2006 13:43

when he says these things like 'you've got 2 kids' (and i agree, that's a MAJOR turn-off) what do you say? does it turn into an argument? do you ignore / laugh?

i think you need to get your confidence back. are you getting out and doing things for yourself? time just for you? how about starting something new? like learning a musical instrument? or art classes? or getting back into an old hobby that will give you some of your identity back?

but ultimately it's not really about you, it's about him giving you some respect and learning how to deal with money...

warthog · 26/06/2006 13:44

sorry - re-reading your op you do say that you don't give him more money. will retract that he sees you as a soft touch. apologies.

brum · 26/06/2006 13:46

I tell him how unattractive that is!
I'm just not sure if the problem is bigger than the money side iyswim?
He's just become a bit of an opinionated oaf and I know deep down that its because his confidence has grown as mine has decreased.
God, what a nightmare.

OP posts:
suejonez · 26/06/2006 13:53

agree with others that you need to work on your confidence. What kind of role model do you want for your DS - downtrodden wife and opinionated father? You sound like you know what you need to do, just need a little bit of support to do it.

If I'm being brutally honest - he sounds like a childish git! Not a very constructive comment, I'm afriad but I feel for you as I had an ex bf just like him and it does wear you down after a while.

brum · 26/06/2006 14:00

Hello

Sorry-I couldn't find this thread again!

Thanks suejonez-you're also right and I do think, alot, about the role models we're making for my ds (have also just found out that am pregnant with no.2).

I think I need to work on my confidence. Lose some weight and recover the woman I used to be!!

Thanks for your support everyone. I think I needed a bit of a talking to and I'm very grateful for all the advice.

OP posts:
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