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Relationships

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Original poster

Affectionate with DP but don't want sexy time

20 replies

mmmdonuts · 26/09/2013 20:55

I've been with DP for a couple of years now and we live together happily. The only thing he would like more of is more frequent sex. We're very affectionate and hands-on with each other, and I find him good-looking and want to be close to him all the time.

However when it comes down to actually doing sexy time I feel really lethargic and not wanting to bother, which is really unlike me and reminds me unfortunately of how I was with my ex after I'd been with him for a while too (though we split up for other reasons).

I'm on the Pill so have suggested going off it but we're not TTC so it seems selfish just to try and improve our sex life while running the risk. I don't know what to do. Role play helps a bit but even then I just can't get into it hugely, and what used to be amazing sessions are now just about comfortable at best.

Please help, I don't want to give up on my sex life altogether - I'm still a whipper-snapper :(

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 07:13

Maybe the relationship has run its course?

EllaMenOhPea · 27/09/2013 07:30

Why have you suggested going off the pill? Is it because you think the hormones are interfering with your sex drive? There are other birth control methods you could try, perhaps a visit to your GP might be in order, or your family planning clinic.

Fairylea · 27/09/2013 07:52

Well if you got pregnant after coming off the pill... nothing like a baby to kill off any remains of a sex drive! :)

Do you still fancy him? Is it sex with him you've gone off or just sex in general - do you fancy other people, masturbate etc?

It's quite common 2 years into a relationship for the initial sex rush to wane a little.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 07:56

It's also quite common for relationships to reach a natural end. If the initial sex rush wanes and what you end up with is just 'a nice bloke that you don't fancy any more', it would be foolish to carry on thinking things are going to change.

Sleeptimenow · 27/09/2013 08:08

The pill is known to affect sex drive, perhaps go to your local family planning clinic to get some expert advice as there are other forms of effective contraception. Sometimes even just a change of the amount of hormone and how it enters your system (patch/implant/Marina coil) can help. Speaking from experience I found coming off hormones altogether made me feel much more 'me', although that was because it affected my moods too.

KikiShack · 27/09/2013 08:27

I'm definitely in favor of coming off the pill to get the natural hormones rushing around and make sex more enjoyable. I loved the ttc sex I had a few months ago after being off the pill and there's no way I'm going back on it once baby has arrived.

However you need reliable contraception as I assume you're looking for good sex, not a pregnancy! I'm hoping condoms will work for me and OH. I figure after years of him having bare skin sex to my detriment as I've had sensations dulled by hormones its definitely my turn to have the upper hand in sex, and thankfully he agrees! If your partner wants you to enjoy sex more I hope he'd be happy to sacrifice a bit of his pleasure?

ithaka · 27/09/2013 08:30

Men can be very happy to use condoms as it helps them last longer. I would try coming off the pill & using condoms to see if that rekindles your lust.

heartisaspade · 27/09/2013 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HenriettaPye · 27/09/2013 08:52

It definitely doesn't sound like the relationship has run its course to me- you still sound very much in love! The pill makes me have no sex drive either, I would definitely come off it and think of a different contraception!

Original poster

mmmdonuts · 27/09/2013 10:19

Amazed at those who think I should leave him because my sex drive has dwindled!

I'm not throwing away my best friend and person I'd rather see at the end of every day due to a dip. We have a good relationship and he makes me laugh and feel really motivated in everything I do.

I think part of the problem is he's unemployed at the moment and I want to see him do more to plan for the future. He needs a lot of encouragement and isn't the most self-motivated of people, but I do notice I'm more attracted to him when he is in a bit more of a 'get up and go' sort of mood.

Any tips apart from stopping the Pill? We've tried going out and doing different things together which is a lot of fun, but that doesn't help. I can only think of maybe spending less time together maybe?

OP posts:

randomAXEofkindness · 27/09/2013 10:28

If the 'relationship has run it's course' when one person's libido dips, I don't think there's much of a chance for any of us is there?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 10:29

You're blaming your libido but, in the next breath, you say you don't find him attractive because he's unemployed, unmotivated and a bit of damp squib. You've only known him a couple of years, what's to say this isn't the real him?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 10:33

This isn't a 'LTB' incidentally.... but many women get trapped into the idea that a dwindling sex-life is entirely their responsibility to fix and take the blame solely on themselves with ideas like loss of libido. He would like more frequent sex - fair enough - but what's he doing about it? Is he on websites asking about improving 'sexy time'? Think about the balance here...

oreoaddict · 27/09/2013 10:36

Hmmm, well I think this is quite a common problem and I would echo the pill thing, but it sounds like you want another solution.

Personally, what worked(ish) for me, was the theory of the more you do it, the more you want it. It's a difficult one though, because I'd be uncomfortable suggesting to anyone that they just did it, like a chore. I think sometimes, we can forget how good it can be. You might be lacking that initial really really wanting sex hormone, whatever that is , but maybe just push past that for the next couple of weeks and see how you feel. I don't mean do it if you really don't want to do it, but if you're kind of indifferent to it, like you're describing, then just give it a go. I would only suggest this if you actually feel good during and at the end of your "sexy time". If you felt bad afterwards then that's a completely different story and eventually, that was mine.

I'm personally not a fan of role play, especially if you're trying to re connect as a couple. Try and remember what attracted you to him in the first place. He's still the same person remember. The fact that you still want to be around him all the time and clearly love him, speaks volumes and so just because the lust has gone a little, I don't think that spells the end. I believe very few people would stay together if they bolted every time that desire for one another started to fizzle. Yeah, some people are lucky and it's always there, but I would say it's very rare. You have to work at igniting it sometimes and I think it sounds like that's all it is with you and your DH.

MerryMarigold · 27/09/2013 10:40

If the initial sex rush wanes and what you end up with is just 'a nice bloke that you don't fancy any more', it would be foolish to carry on thinking things are going to change.

Isn't it scientifically proven that the sex rush always wanes? I do agree though, that he needs to do something about making himself more attractive to you. Going to the gym? Planning stuff you can do together? Sorting out his future? Equally, if you are rejecting him sexually, that won't help his self esteem. All vicious circles, but the upside is, they can all work together too (ie. more sex may help his self esteem too).

Good sex takes some work and a lot of practise. Do you kiss or this the affection something you could equally do with a child? Sometimes it's just getting back into the habit of sex. You should both read, "Just do it". It's a great book about a couple that had sex for a hundred nights in a row. Not that that is realistic, but has some great ideas for how to get things going and is really practical as well as pretty funny.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 10:40

" You have to work at igniting it sometimes"

But 'you' plural... not 'you' singular...

queenbitchapparently · 27/09/2013 11:25

The pill messes with my sex drive, I changed it to microgynon and that help massively.
I also disagree that sex naturally wans.
Ok so the doing it 5 times a day doesn't last for ever butit shouldn't wan down to nothing.
If changing the pill etc doesn't help maybe take a look at what else might be holding you back.

oreoaddict · 27/09/2013 11:27

Agree Cogito

perfectstorm · 27/09/2013 15:16

The pill made a big difference to me in the past. Worth trying, definitely - there are a range of options (other pills, for one thing - the hormones vary - as well as different methods).

Dollydowser · 27/09/2013 21:08

I was on the pill for 17 years. I have been with my dh all that time and it makes me sad now when I look back to see how much being on the pill affected my labido, as things are so much more improved now!

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