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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sexless happy marriage

46 replies

BigDomsWife · 26/09/2013 20:44

. . . Do you think it is possible? My Husband and I havent had sex since we conceived our Son (who is almost 1). We also have a 3.6 year old Daughter and didnt have sex much after having her. Im finally losing the baby weight and my Husband is gorgeous. We have fun, respect and love one-another. There are often 'date nights', social nights sans children.

The other night we were blotto and admitted we saw each other differently since having had children. He mostly see's me as the 'wonderful woman who is an amazing Mother of our Children & Wife'.

I have to admit I would be happy to carry on the way things are. He is away with work often and has plenty of young gorgeous females who show an interest in him (by way of late text messages/e-mails). He says he is not having an affair but is it only a question of time?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 11:18

I'm not attacking anyone. They said they were naïve, I revised it to stupid. I could have said 'foolish' but it amounts to the same thing.

queenbitchapparently · 27/09/2013 11:22

It is entirely possible he hasn't cheated but I would say late night texts etc imply he is at least enjoying the attention if others.

Original poster

BigDomsWife · 27/09/2013 11:27

CogitoErgoSometimes - Ok we will use your word, so Im Stupid rather than naive. If my actions make me seem stupid then so be it.

cantthinkofagoodone - thanks for the advice. I believe we have got out of the habit of being intimate & it will almost feel mechanical/orchestrated when we do finally get back in the saddle.
Thanks to the others for your advice. I dont have a Mother/Sister/close female friends really so guess I must have been burying my head in the sand.

Im gutted if DH has taken things further and slept around with his young 'friends'. I feel like shit right now.

OP posts:

Ezio · 27/09/2013 11:30

How old are his young friends?

Ezio · 27/09/2013 11:30

and how old is he?

Katnisscupcake · 27/09/2013 11:31

OP, your marriage isn't necessarily doomed.

I have a very good friend who was in a similar situation to yourself. When I met her her ds had just turned one and her and her dh hadn't had sex since they conceived their son. She had the same worries as you. Her Dhabi was really lovely, funny and really popular. But when he wasn't at work, he was at home.

She put on quite a bit of weight during pregnancy and was very conscious about it and he knew it so didn't push the physical side of their relationship. It was about 8 months into our friendship when she finally plucked up the courage for seduce him. So about 28months since they had last done it.

Over two years on and their marriage is stronger than ever and they now have another ds.

So all is not lost. But don't give up on sex and don't assume that dh has cheated. My friend's dh didnr. He loves my friend and was patient and waited until she made the move.
The problem you will have is if you never want to make the move again...

TheTruffleHunter · 27/09/2013 11:32

Hi Big Dom. Give your wife a bit of respect, hey?

Maybelady · 27/09/2013 11:39

You say you don't have any close female friends but upthread you said you had friends who you knew had sexless marriages.....

is this something they tell you even if they are not close friends?

if you have had a discussion where you both admit that you feel differently about each other now you have children, what is the outcome of that going to be?

seems like you need to continue the chatting. Not fuelled by drink this time.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 27/09/2013 11:41

Well, I have some friends and in that couple, the wife has "done" with sex. Do I think the husband is also celibate? No effing way. OP, I'm sorry but I would really think long and hard about whether you imagine these adoring females around your DH are just friends. I think you have walked into this situation blindfolded really.

queenbitchapparently · 27/09/2013 12:14

I would say try not to feel gutted that will just make you feel worse.
Be proactive, don't think you dh is cheating on you unless you have a concern he is.
Maybe try having a chat with him about it all.
No one here knows the ins and outs of your relationship. X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/09/2013 12:15

I'm sorry you feel like shit but you must have suspected something or you wouldn't be here asking 'is it a matter of time?' At the moment, you don't want a physical relationship, you like the guy, you have a nice lifestyle and you're happy to carry on as you are. He's very happy with you in your Wife and Mother role, denies affairs but has his lady-friends to console him. So you can either turn a blind eye, trust him and carry on as you are, or you can do a bit more digging and see if the sexless marriage is being upheld on both sides. None of this should make you feel like you have to have sex with him ... that's not the conclusion

Maybelady · 27/09/2013 14:42

One thing you might want to think about is your hormones. If you have been BF- you have a 1 yr old- then some women find that they go right off sex until their hormones start to increase again. It's worth not doing anything too drastic re. your decision over whether you ever want sex again - but it your feelings have changed permanently towards your DH then you need to decide where to go from here.

Fairenuff · 27/09/2013 17:40

I'm wondering why you posted unless you already suspected something?

pumpkinpie163 · 27/09/2013 20:59

Cogito- not all men are arsed about sex! Fact! My hubby sure ain't....so please don't give this chick paranoia that her hubby is necnecessarily playing away.

Its not a good situation and I fully empathise with you.

However personally ive come to the conclusion I need more from life as i believe you need physical intimacy in a strong relationship (or at least I do. He disagrees).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/09/2013 08:02

Paranoia? When it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck....

Lazyjaney · 28/09/2013 08:49

It's just a matter of time IMO, are you OK with that OP?

Fairenuff · 28/09/2013 08:57

You haven't really said what the outcome of your talk was. Has he actually agreed never to have sex with you again? And how did he feel about that?

Because if he is not in agreement, then yes he will look for sex elsewhere, especially if he has opportunity.

He shouldn't cheat, of course, he should be open and honest with you. But in reality, how likely is that?

juneau · 28/09/2013 09:04

OP - no-one can know what these female friends are to your DH. We're a bunch of strangers on the internet, so please don't let one person's comments make you feel like shit.

As for your issue - you really need to get back to having sex with your DH or it will be a matter of time before one of you (probably him, by the sounds of it), decides to seek sex elsewhere. You sound like you've got out of the habit of sex and your DH has got used to seeing you as his wife and the mother of his DC, but not necessarily as a sexual person any more - little wonder when you haven't had sex for getting on for two years.

I'm guessing you once enjoyed a perfectly happy sex life and yes, it's hard to get back to that once there are DC around, waking you early in the morning, possibly waking in the night, but you have to make the effort. Date nights - great. Can you get away for a night or a weekend? Time as a couple is vital to rediscover what you saw in each other before. You're losing weight and getting back to how you looked before - great. How about dressing more like you used to, if this has changed over the past few years? How about putting on some make up, flirting with your DH, touching him and kissing him spontaneously, etc. I'm not a huge fan of 'talking' sex issues through - much better just to act or it all becomes really awkward and forced. Above all, start thinking of yourself as a sexual being again. If you want to stay married to the father of your DC, it's necessary, even if you don't have a huge amount of personal drive in that direction. And yes, get your hormone levels checked - losing your libido permanently is not normal.

HomicidalPsychoJungleCat · 28/09/2013 09:09

Jesus, it depresses me to read some of the responses on this thread. DH and I had a very similar hiatus after the birth of our second child, he is now nearly 4 and sex has picked up somewhat but we probably still only manage its about once every two or three weeks, and that's only recently, before that it could be months. I am 100% sure that although DH may not have been totally happy withit, he did, as a mature adult accept that this infrequency was part and parcel of two busy lives with kids and work and a household to maintain.

We did discuss it from time to time, along the lines of 'god it's annoying that we're always so busy and too knackered' but I guess that's just the way it is'

Having taked to friends I don't think it's as rare as The MN Collective makes out, nor do I believe that every man has to have sex every week or even month otherwise he cheats.

Where is the respect for men as human beings capable of doing what's best for their families and marriages. And yes I am aware of the HUGEvolume of men on here who do cheat, I've been on MN since 2005 and there are a LOT of them. But there are also many, many decent, hardworking, honest and loyal men who do what they have to to make their lives and relationships work...who want and need the security of familial bonds over and above their sex drive.

OP, if he is open about the texts and going out with groups of other women, if you are invited out with them occasionally, then it's perfectly feasible that it is all utterly innocent. Talk to him about the sex thing and see how he feels. If you are not already doing so get out on your own from time to time, away for a weekend with no DH or kids, give yourself a chance to miss him, and he you and see one another with fresh eyes. Your sex drive may return. Mine is, slowly but surely, and actually it's fab, because now we are getting back to a sexier relationship it's made our whole marriage take on another dimension.

pdfan · 28/09/2013 10:25

nor do I believe that every man has to have sex every week or even month otherwise he cheats.

No man with an average to high sex drive is ever going to be happy for very long living in a prolonged sexless relationship, therefore he will eventually start thinking about how he can get it and he'll be tempted to do whatever needs to be done to get it. Not cynicism, just common sense and it doesn't label him bad or good.
It might not be as essential as food but it's not at all pleasant going around gagging for sex and not getting any. He'll start to get a bit obsessed by his need (or want, if you prefer).
If he has a lower sex drive I presume he won't bother so much. I wouldn't know.

Lazyjaney · 28/09/2013 11:03

IMO those that believe the average hard working, responsible, mature adult man (or woman for that matter) will live without sex for many months are deluding themselves.

I don't think it's entirely unconnected that two of the most prevalent threads on here are "I don't want sex with my partner" and "my partner has had an affair/left/etc"

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