For those of you who have cut all contact with toxic parents...

[annabanana84]

...do you regret it, or was it the best thing you did?

Reason I ask, is my mother has tendencies of toxicicity. Things she has done include:

Forced me into abortion in my teens

Asked to borrow tens of thousands of pounds of my savings to pay her debts off. I knew I would never get it back, so I said no in the nicest way possible. She then said the repossession of her house was my fault because she couldn't keep up with her debts

She talked me out of uni when I was offerered a place in one of top institutes in country.

She's negative about anything I achieve

She's negative about anything full stop

I joined a club today to make new friends in towni live in because having moved here in January, dp and i still bArely know anyone. She was negative about that. It's an animal protection group for owls and when I told her, she was yelling 'owls, fycking owls' down the phone.

She always sided with my step father despite him being EA towards me.

She regularly belittles me over my weight

As a kid we couldn't afford to go away, yet she could afford a 60-a-day habit

Grandparents left house in will to my mother and then to me, but only put mother in will just surmising she would respect their wishes and pass it on to me, but she won't rewrite her will, absolutely refuses, meaning it will go to my stepfather.

She's lazy and doesn't get up til mid day

She makes me feel guilty by complaining about her finances/lack of food when I go over

I have fab in-laws and am really envious of the fact theyre dp's parents and he had a wonderful upbringing. They've made my mother seem worse than ever Becaue They're so great. I would

Had no contact for twenty years then they turned up in this country last October trying to find me. I refused to meet them but since they were only here for a few days I relented. I was curious to know why they wanted to see me now. Turned out my Mother had kidney failure and this was the last time they could travel abroad before she started treatment. I put the past aside and took my children to meet them and had the most amazing and bitter sweet four days before they went back. Things were said and I allowed them back into my life. They seem older and more mellow. We all cried when we said our goodbyes. Now my father is quite ill and I feel sad and yet angry too at the wasted years. I don't really regret the years because I grew up and became a better mother because of my own experience, just feel sad really that I could lose them now

for you all who have been through this – so many of us!
I’m sorry you are going through this it OP is hard but in my experience things will get easier and one day you’ll look back and wonder why you put up with all this shit.

I could have written your post myself, my DM was too drunk by 9am to walk me to school and she and her partner spent the day in the pub smoking and drinking whilst I had shoes that were to small and stinking old school uniforms. She was a real peach and talked me out of various further education opportunities whilst regularly throwing me out of the house if I wouldn’t go “score” some cannabis for her.

I cut my DM out of my life as soon as she had one of her massive outbursts in front of my son. It’s strange how I acted so quickly to protect him from her damaging behaviour but was willing to put up with it myself for so long. As she had always been so controlling in my life I found it hard at first when she wasn’t there IYSWIM but it was the best thing I could have done. Once I became a mum I realised I’d never treat my kids like that and therefore lost any of my misguided respect for her as a “Mum” .

As Rules has said I “became a better mother because of my own experience” and so will you.

That was awful Whathappened. You poor thing. That was a horrendous way to grow up. I'm so sorry for the little child you were. At least the one good thing to come out of it is that you are an amazing Mum.

No contact with my father, my step father, my sister or my brother.
My life is better for it.
No dread at seeing them no belittling, no abuse.
I no longer have to explain their behaviour to my children.
It is bliss.

A different angle here. I felt like that about my mother all throughout my teens till late 20's. Cut a long story short, she was a sexual abuse survivor which made her into an ignorant, angry, violent bully at the worst times. Her depression, bitterness, low self esteem made childhood for me unbearable and her unhappiness in life was often unloaded on to me. She didn't have a good relationship with her mum and that was a major factor why she was the way she was. One incident, she physically assaulted me in the street over a family matter in front of my then boyfriend. I had lots of verbally and emotional abuse over the years too. After that I was done.

But the door was always left open. In a strange way I know she loved me with all her heart and what she was going through, been through was a factor in her behaviour. Anyway fast forward to today. We have a good relationship, not wow but the best it's ever been. She also has rekindled relations with her mum and she's so different, a true joy to be around.

My point. There could always be a reason why people are they way they are and life is funny the way it turns out. People can change, there is hope if your willing to work the issues through and of course if you want it.