Why do I need to know??

[welshnat]

Bit of a long story so please bare with me.

ExP and I got engaged March of this year and started planning the wedding for August 2014. Everything seemed fine until he started to become very possessive of his mobile. Changed his PIN and wouldn't let it out of his sight.

This went on for a few months until I had the opportunity to look at his texts when he left it on charge. I read 2 texts of a girl he works with. One of them basically said " I don't love you anymore lol. You better go, your little boy will be waiting for you." I couldn't read anymore after this as I literally felt like I was going to collapse.

When he got out of the shower I confronted him but again had to go downstairs to the toilet as I felt sick. When I went back to speak to him he said nothing was going on and it was just some girl in work who had a crush on him. I asked to see the rest of the messages, but he said that he had just deleted them.

We ended up having a huge argument where I packed my bags and decided to go home with DS (we were visiting PIL's at the time). He swore on DS's life that nothing had gone on. It was only 3 or 4 texts and that he had told her he wasn't interested. They had never met up and he didn't find her attractive at all.

I decided that I believed him (stupidly) and decided to move on. But things carried on the same way. He was even more possessive of his phone.

Not to drip feed we were living separately as I had moved back to my home town and he stayed with his parents while he tried (allegedly) to find work. So it was always in the back of my mind that he would have plenty of opportunity to see whoever he wanted after work.

So rewind to 6 weeks ago when ExP suddenly decided that he wasn't ready for marriage. That he hadn't expected things to go as fast as they were, but that he still loved me and wanted to be with me.

If you're still with me now thanks.

Anyway I played right into his hands and decided to end things as I just didn't feel like I was being treated right anymore and that I didn't trust him. I knew the name of the girl who had been texting him (she's 21 he's 28) and found her on facebook and saw that she was in a relationship. So I decided that her boyfriend deserved to know that she had been saying that she liked another man.

Her BF ended up phoning me and actually telling me a lot more than I knew anyway. They had been meeting up for 3 months going to the cinema and for drinks (she had actually been honest with him). I was devastated to know that ExP had lied to me and rang him straight away.

He denied ever meeting her and that her BF had a problem with him so was making things up. The way he was talking to me I stupidly believed him (again).

So back to the present. I am much happier single. I realised that I had been unhappy in my relationship and had probably stuck in longer because of DS.

The question I have is....if I am happy now without him, why do I still need to know if he did cheat on me?? I am so tempted to message the girl and ask her for the truth, but at the moment ExP and I have an amicable relationship, which I would like to keep for DS's sake (even if he is a cheating bastard!)

Sorry for the lenght, it felt really good to get it all out!!

I am in a similar position and I wanted to know about my stbxw affair, I think it helps to put all the pieces together and then you can move on, it's better to know what happened then your not constantly thinking when/ where / how.
I am slowly moving on but glad I knew exactly what happened.
Herald

But how did you find out? I've asked him 3 times now and each time he denies it. I've told him that it's over now so it only matters to me. That if he ever loved me he would tell me so that I could accept it and move on.

It is natural to want to know that you walked away from a relationship for the right reasons but really, because you wanted too is always enough.

Ok, if it helps.

Yes, he did cheat on you.

Feel better? No. I thought not. Thats because it isnt what he did that is your issue, but the fact that you ended the relationship when he was saying there was no need. Whether he had an emotional or physical affair isnt relevant, he didnt treat you properly and that is enough reason to end it. He lied, constantly and consistantly, that is also enough reason to end it. He is selfish and cares more about his own wants and needs than your and your DS, another reason enough to end it.

Put all of those together and does it matter if he cheated or not?

But yes, he did.

I found out because OM dumped her and to get back at him she decided to blow my world apart knowing I would tell his DW she even gave me his address and mobile no. I didn't contact him because they where both to blame. To be honest I am slowly realising I am going to be happier without her ( but that's this week)

Thank you bogeyface. I need somebody to tell me the blunt truth. I haven't told anyone about the possible cheating as I know my family will be likely to turn violent and at the end of the day he is still the father of my child.
I think you are right in that I want to justify me leaving him and breaking up our family.

YOU did not break up your family. YOU just decided to retain self respect by leaving as that is what you felt you needed to do. HE broke up your family whether he cheated or not he clearly wanted out. fool

I am not saying anyone who stays loses their self respect before I am jumped on.

I had a similar relationship many years ago and hated not knowing for sure.

I agonised over it, looking at fb over and over again and trying to look for evidence. But, I realised one day that I did know it had happened, whether it was 'admitted' or not is irrelevant, you know deep down and take it as it is and move on. People often won't admit it, and you won't get the proof you're after, you have to find a way to move on without it-no point wasting anymore of your energies on him.

You're much better without him, just be happy that you've escaped and aren't still there trying to get hold of his phone.

Thank you ladies, I think you're right. I know deep down that he has cheated. I just wish I had the closure of finding out the truth, which I think I deserve. I want to know if he was cheating when he proposed. Or was he with her the weekend he couldn't see me and DS because he was "working". I know I need to move on, but I keep looking at HER facebook page waiting to see her as "single".
I am so much happier now, I don't have to scrimp and save now that he has to pay maintenance (he never paid towards bills as he apparently didn't live in our house), I get my weekends to myself to actually see my friends which I haven't had a chance to do in months, and I don't have to tip toe on eggshells waiting for me to "upset" him with the slightest comment.

You don't need to know, but right now you feel like you do.

I was in a not entirely dissimilar situation with someone that I was engaged to a few years ago, and although I am pretty sure that he definitely cheated - he swore that he hadn't. At the time, it seemed really important to know - six years later, I honestly couldn't care less - it's nothing to do with me now, I've moved a long way on and it's just not important or interesting to me anymore.

I completely sympathise with you wanting to know, but since you're doing so much better without him, there will come a time when you don't care either. Good luck to you!

Well done on finding the courage and sense to finally leave this man, not many people would. I think you want to know more for closure and to maybe 'confirm' that you have left for a good reason. I don't know what the boyfriend would gain by lying about all of this. A man with boundaries would have never entertained those messages in any case. This should confirm enough.

Even if you don't find out the truth, what he did was bad enough. You need to look forward and focus on your own life and you seem to be doing well.

It would be so much easier to move on if we didn't have DS. I was cheated on before in a 3 year relationship and so did ExP so we both agreed we would always be truthful, because it hurt so much. I just wish I didn't have to smile and nod when I see him and pretend that I don't hate him.

Makes sense to me you'd like to draw a line under his unfaithfulness by having answers to questions. You were in the dark to start with but you realised something was wrong. You chose to take his word there was nothing amiss but eventually you had enough. Now even though you know you did the right thing it would tie things up neatly to be told you were right all along. Life isn't always tidy like that and he evidently won't willingly admit until hell freezes over.

They say indifference is the ultimate to aim for. You sound like you're in a good place already. Good luck.

Oh sweetheart. Of course he was cheating on you.

If you want a shorthand for telling other people, just say "I had very good evidence that he was seeing someone else, including what her own partner said. He denies it."

People will make their own minds up, but you know and you're the only one who counts.