Think it's the end. Please hold my hand!

[Whattodofeelingsad]

I post on here quite regularly and have NC'd, don't know why really. I think I'm going to finish with DP today.

He's the first one I've allowed into lives of DC since the break up with XP, they adore him. I'm just so confused. He is a good person, relatively easy going and kind, but lately he's started to be more narky with me, critical. It's only things like 'why didn't we leave earlier, I'm late now' and being very off about it after I've gone out of my way to put DC in car and drive him to work in my car. We were even later because DD was (very unusually) upset and teary this morning (DC are generally very happy). They come first though, always. This is also after making his lunch etc.

He has a very good job but is rubbish with money, always runs out half way through the month, so I end up footing the bill for everything, never pays for petrol. But will take me out for dinner or buy me something when he gets paid and I feel like saying 'actually, I'd prefer it if you contributed weekly'. I work P-T and XP is good with maintenance, so I'm okish, but I really don't earn mega bucks.

He has his own flat but stays over at mine most nights, essentially lives here. My house is a nicer environment. He doesn't really help with housework though.

Reading that, it would be a no brainer, bin him. But he is a loving person, kind and fantastic with the DC. I don't worry too much re: the latter as they have a really great relationship with their dad (and stay with him every other weekend)...I just feel like I have one more DC to look after IYKWIM.

I don't have a great relationship history (following a borderline abusive childhood) and am probably on the sensitive side because of this, but I've worked incredibly hard on getting to know myself and deal with any demons effectively.

But I'm sitting here crying..after the falling out this morning, I want to text him and tell him I don't want to put up with it anymore, that we need sometime apart. I would never normally do that, but I don't want to wait till he gets back from work as the DC will be here. It makes me cry even more when I think about how unsettling the past couple of years has been for them.

Life so hard sometimes, I just feel lost. I expect too much from relationships I think; I'm too sensitive. Some people have horrible abusive partners. XP is a nice man and actually so is DP. It's me. For all the therapy and introspection I've engaged in, I'm still the flawed person I always was.

Sorry if this post is horribly self-indulgent (and long!) I'm the happiest, jokey one at work normally..I just don't know what to do and I don't have anyone to talk to

It's not you.

He's not a nice person if he's sponging off you.

You really should get rid now before you end up with a full blown cock lodger.

Remember that nasty men all show a good side. Or else would we get together with them in the first place.

This is already starting to show the cracks.

Do get rid.

Send the text now (definitive, not some time apart) and stick to it.

Take care. Not much to say.

If I were virtually living with someone, I'd be pulling my weight expense wise, and I'd be cleaning up after myself and doing the odd food shop and cooking dinner etc. It's basic manners.

I think the same, he's not that nice if he can sponge of you, you're not his mother, you both should be equal and that means he contributes to your household, sounds like he's got it great.

Instead of feeling like saying, do say, it's not fair, you have children to support as well and don't have the luxury of keeping him afloat as well.

Do you drive him to work and make his lunch every morning?
Does he get the kids ready while you do all that?
It seems very unbalanced to me.
He doesn't pay his way either.
Pack his stuff up now.
Put it outside and tell him to collect it on his way back to his place.
You don't want him there anymore and you don't need him either!
You know what you need to do.
And as PP said - no wishy-washy talk.
'This isn't working for me!'
End it properly.
Good luck.

Bin him. You're not as happy in this relationship as you ought to be.

Anyone can appear to be a 'loving person' when they're having things all their own way... You're not the flawed person here. All you've done is try to see the best in someone and make allowances when they are increasingly proving themselves to be disrespectful and selfish. It's time to say 'jog on' to this one and put it down to experience.

You don't need a "good reason" to bin someone if it's not working for you

You are in a very unhappy place. Your feelings aren't there by accident! They're there because this relationship is not working for you and you have identified why and what you don't want.

You know that you are right to want to part - or at least have time apart. You also know what you want from a relationship and that he is not providing it.

You are a strong, insightful, caring person. You know you are making the right decision for you.

Thank you for all your replies (and your kind words Twitterqueen). I didn't expect such a strong response.

When it's you in the equation, sometimes it hard to pick it apart and be rational about someone's behaviour...yes - I do drive him to work/make lunch most mornings, he now & again will help get DC dressed, usually me though. But you're right - he does have it good. And I do feel like his mum sometimes! (incidentally I am a little older than him).

He's already texted me to apologise; he said he realises I'm helping him out and said will give me some money when he gets paid. It's just not enough. If it were me, there's no way I'd feel comfortable someone paying for most things during the month, especially if they had 2 DC's mouths to feed!

No, honestly, it's not you, it's him.

How can there be a future with him? How would it be if he moved in?

He is no good with money. He doesn't help with the running of the household, either financially or in a practical way. And now he's being snarky, as well.

You are so right to do this.

Dumping him will be good for your personal growth and self-esteem. The next guy you meet that you realise is wrong, you'll dump quicker and it'll be easier. I'm glad you're not going to be won over by him tossing you a few quid...

It does sound like too little too late.
And he's likely to revert to form.

Personally, I could not cope with someone who ran out of money half way through the month.

There's no moving in really Saintly as he practically does live here. He cooks often as he enjoys it, that it. No washing up/washing/cleaning etc. It flummoxes me Lweji how someone can run out of money half way through the month EVERY month.
We are supposed to be going on holiday in a couple of weeks time (paid half each), but there's no point.

And you're right Cogito, I need to do this for my self-esteem.

It just feels like a lot will change for me and DC (again) after today and I'm a little scared. But I'll still do it. Haven't replied to the text yet, but I will.

I do think I need to be on my own, maybe for a long time, even forever, I don't know. If anyone can tell me how happy they are being on their own (and maybe how long it took you to get to that place), then I'd be really grateful.

Raises hand here. :)

Got rid of a guy with some yellow flags and niggles (also nice and DS liked him) a few months ago and can't be bothered about trying to date now.

Thanks Lweji. relationships with yellow flags & niggles seem somehow harder to end than out and out emotional or physical abuse. But I'm glad it worked out well can't see myself being bothered for an awfully long time.

Still haven't sent it..

I am on my own, OP after kicking out STBXH of 14 years, subtley abusive dysfunctional relationship. He was a misery to live with yet contributed very little to the home and family life in general. Can't believe it took me so long!! I am on my own now and very happy. This will be a big step for you, OP, but a good one. It is almost like therapy in itself, choosing not to accept a relationship which is not good enough. So go for it.

"If anyone can tell me how happy they are being on their own Then I'd be really grateful"

Well I am on my own almost 4 years on with 2 teen DC and I love it. The only downside is disciplining the DC and applying sanctions I have to see through on my own !

I dont really want to be in a relationship which then necessitates being on my own if you see what I mean. I just feel very self contained and calm without all the drama certainly all my 30 plus years with men involved. I can see plenty of benefits of being with a good man but none of them seem enough to give up my sense of joy in life, my complete freedom and emotional stability.

I wouldnt even entertain bailing a man out in the way you describe or putting up with the other stuff. Cogito is spot on on how good you will feel ending this relationship and remaining single or waiting until the right man comes along.

I don't think your expectations are too high OP, but too low. You're feeling sad because however easy going he is on the surface, underneath he is treating you really badly.

You've basically got yourself a selfish child to bankroll rather than an equal partnership with an adult male.

A truly kind and loving partner would be contributing equally to household finances & chores. And getting himself to work!

The fact that some people's partners are worse is not a recommendation.

Coming up on 18 years solo here.... :) There have been various gentleman callers in the interim but I have low boredom threshold.