Daughter

[Neeliethere]

Quick one here
We are separated. Daughter is with us both 50:50. I have now witnessed a second incident where dad has grabbed our daughter's arm when angry with her because she didn't comply with what he wanted. First time he was shouting at her standing close and she tried to walk away. Second time she was feeling poorly and wouldn't get out of bed and he grabbed her arm to make her stand up and tried to push her into the bathroom. What do others think? She a few days off her 16th birthday.

I think he's a bully. Was your DD upset by the treatment?

What does your Dd think?

Speak to DD alone and make a note of what's happened and when. Is this the kind of thing that happened to you before you separated?

What does your DD think?
At 16 where she lives and who she sees should be her choice.

If she doesn't see there is an issue, I would try to get her some counselling sessions (YMCA might be a good first place) so she can sort out what she thinks and feels.

Yes he would shout at me a lot and follow me from room to room if I didn't agree with what he wanted. I asked him to promise me he wouldn't lay a finger on her again. He's twisted it to me being jealous because he's met someone else. DD never goes against what he says normally. She might have a moan saying he's selfish behind his back, but she very rarely stands up to him or disagrees with what he says. she just shrugs and walks away. Conversely, she will argue with me if she doesn't agree with me. I think he's a bully too, which is why we split. There has been an email exchange today which I would love to show to a psychiatrist or someone like that. Spend enough years with a head messer like this and you truly have trouble in believing yourself.

Do you give her the option of staying with him less if she wants to?

She has basically been with him due the fact that I moved out to a house just a five minute walk away. I asked her to come with me but she wanted to stay in the marital home as it was her home and her best mate lives directly opposite. Also it is much larger and what with a pool etc etc that is where she wanted to stay. Also she hardly spends any time with him but at her friend's house most of the time. He has been pretty relaxed with her leaving her to run her life pretty much like a lodger. I have also been going in and out pretty regularly as I run a business from an outbuilding there. What has changed is that he has met someone else and is very preoccupied with seeing her as often as he can and wants us all to fall into line with each arrangement he makes with her. Yesterday's outburst turns out that he had invited her round for the afternoon. He then finds out that daughter isn't going to be at school and I am planning to spend the day there caring for her as he had already told us he was going out that afternoon. As far as we were concerned he was going to be at the house until around 3.00 pm and then going to the girlfriends house and staying there overnight and returning the next day around lunch time. He thought I'd be at work and she would be at school and the house would be empty so he had invited her round to our house. His temper was all about this plan being scuppered.

I have told him today that I will be spending each evening at the house from now on so that I can be sure such an event doesn't take place again until I move back in formally in two weeks time.

So he was annoyed that he didn't get his midday shag with the girlfriend in his house and wanted your dd to miraculously get better and fuck off out?

How come you're moving back in?

It sounds as though you are still very tangled up with each others lives and the separation has not put much distance between you. If you have agreed you are both free to see other people that is fine, but if his new GF came on her outlining the situation we would tell her to run a mile from him.

When I was in this same situation XH and I reminded each other it was important to put our DCs needs first and co-parent together. Clearly what is best for your DD is to be allowed to recover at home without being shouted at for being ill. Could she come and stay with you for a day or two?

I am moving back in because he started to bring the new woman to the house after just four dates. I was also concerned because the person in question has two young children, is living in difficult circumstances having fled a violent husband apparently, and in his words "has nothing". Not working, with two kids under school age.

I know I may well sound like I'm being materialistic and it is very sad for her and I feel for her. But my solicitor advised that if I didn't want to run the risk of losing the ruddy lot to this new family I should get my arse back there pronto! OH has been informed of my decision to move back there to protect my interests in a large expensive house and has decided to move out into rented accommodation to be with her.

I had been relatively happy with the set up as I thought he was spending a lot more time with my daughter than he actually was. It turns out she is with a family across the road most of the time. He doesn't cook for her. There is never any food in the fridge and every time I go there he's lying on his bed on the net or texting on his phone. He's accusing me of just being jealous of his new relationship. Which of course, is having the desired affect. However, I have to keep reminding myself that he is neglecting our daughter in the pursuit of cementing this relationship very quickly. Which is exactly what he did with me. Get them hooked before they see the cracks is the rationale I believe.

But this last incident has given me more resolve to be back there as soon as possible. I have to confess with each passing day the scales are falling away from my eyes more and more. I've been so ill judged in my view of him. I really have.

Sounds like you know what you are doing. I know your daughter isn't exactly tiny but he should still be there for her and care for her. I'd get my arse back there pronto!