My husband needs help

[ribena]

Hi! Please can you help me? I am in a very loving marriage, but my dh is depressed, and has been for some years. He tries to hide it from the children and I as much as possible, but it?s obvious that things aren?t right. He can?t easily sleep at night, he?s tired during the day and he has mood swings and severe panic attacks.

He admits he is depressed ? and I know some of the reasons for his depression. Having talked it over with him, he agreed to go for some general counselling. This has happened over the last year and it has been helpful, and I can see a little difference, but it doesn?t tackle the physical effect of his depression. He won?t consider taking anti depressants or sleeping pills or seeing his GP. He doesn?t want his mind to be messed around with and is worried about the risks of addiction. Neither will he let me come to the counselling sessions with him. He says it is his business and I must trust him. This has been going on for ages and ages and I feel completely in the dark.

In the meantime, I am the main breadwinner. My husband does the school run and looks after our children in the afternoons before I return from work. He is a great dad. He does work part time, but his firm is closing, so he will be made redundant soon. There will simply not be enough money coming into the house. For the sake of the family, he needs to be bringing in some sort of wage. He is in deep denial about this. He thinks my wages are enough. At the moment, because of his depression, he totally lacks motivation and any belief in himself. This and the fact that he is tired all the time make makes me feel it is unlikely he will even get as far as posting a job application.

I am torn between resentment and sympathy. His depression makes him so self centered and I am so angry that he will not consider medication, yet I realise that such a decision is a deeply personal one and I can?t nag him into it. Where do you think we go from here, and is medication for his depression an answer?

Ribena, I too have no direct experience of what you are facing, but I'd agree with what sobernow has says. Your husband does need professional help, even if he doesn't agree. Depression is an illness and needs treatment of some sort - it does not all have to be drug-related, your GP will advise him of that. Some aspects/forms of depression respond very well to counselling and relaxation therapies.
I do hope that things improve for you both soon. There is depressive illness in my extended family and I know what a heavy burden it can be for a loving partner. I wish I could offer some tips about getting him through that surgery door. Take care of yourself too.

Ribena
will he read anything about depression? Because everything I've ever read about it says that medication works and isn't addictive.

Maybe you should stop being scrupulous about it being his decision, and start to nag a bit? Because he is not really being scrupulous with you, and because your economic viability is also under threat. He has put you in the position of having to take responsibility for the whole family's well-being and this is part of it. At the end of the day, woould the whole family be better off (I don't mean financially) if he felt better?

Best of luck and keep on posting - it can be a real help just to get it off your chest, not have to be a saint etc

Ribena, have you spoken to your family dr about your concerns? She/he could maybe find a way through the problem as I'm sure they will have come across it before. I think what you describe is still a relatively common attitude but it harks back to the bad old days when mental illness was not understood.

Depression is nowadays believed to be caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain and antidepressants just correct that imbalance, they don't mess with your mind. If people could learn to regard antidepressants as they regard, say insulin for diabetes, then there wouldn't be that stigma still attached to it. And to be honest, even if your DH needed a tablet a day for the rest of his life, it's a small price to pay to function at a normal level again. It's all very well for your DH to refuse to do anything, but when it affects other people it's a pretty selfish attitude, although depression does alter one's outlook, so it isn't entirely his 'fault'. Good luck, I hope you can find a solution to this, soon.

Hi Ribena - we are in quite similar situations. I think my husband has had some kind of low-level depression for a few years. It all came to a head in the autumn, and he just wasn't functioning properly (unable to think about the future, unable to sleep at night, unable to get up in the morning, very self-obsessed). He went to the doctor in the end, and was put on some very mild anti-depressants. The doctor was really responsible, monitored him carefully, I don't expect any addiction problems - he sees the doctor every month and she will reduce the dose as soon as she can. It took about a month for things to start to change, and he is a little better (three months in).

Its really hard to be the breadwinner, the household organiser, the parent who runs the children's social lives, books babysitters etc etc. Like you, I swing between resentment and sympathy. But I am trying to take things a day at a time. The doctor told me (independently of seeing dh) that there just no point pushing him to do more, he in simply not capable right now. So I am giving him little tasks before I go to work - and writing lists if necessary. Things like getting something ut of the freezer for dinner, putting the washing on, bringing some logs in for the fire.

I didn't want to go for counselling myself, but I have found a good friend who has agreed that if I am feeling furious with dh for wasting three years of his life and all our money on a business which failed and then being too pathetic to go out and find a job to support his family (none of this is really true, but it's how it feels sometimes) then I can go and shout at her instead. So far I haven't had to, but I'm sure I will one day soon.

I think your dh is doing well going to counselling, but mayeb its not enough. Could you get him (without telling you the details of his sessions) to at least discuss a visit to the doctor with his counsellor?

I don't know how much this helps - but you're not alone. Sometimes it feels like it - especially when you read mumsnet posts all about going on exotic holidays and discussing which new car they are going to buy. (I'm not digging here at any mumsnetter, and wouldn't want anyone to hold back from posting, but sometimes its hard not to compare your life with other people's and realise its not how you planned it!)

Thinking of you. Hang in there.

Thanks Bee and Ribena for sharing your situations - like you say Bee it is so good to know that you are not alone. My husband has suffered from depression on and off for 8 years - and we have just hit crisis point. After years of seeing the GP who has prescribed a variety of anti-depressants which have had various good and bad effects, and with very little monitoring, I pushed (with support from a wonderful Health Visitor) for further help. My husband was then referred to a psychiatrist who has now seen three times. He started by taking him off all tablets - for a while he was OK and then he sunk lower into depression. Finally I went along to an apppointment(with dh) this week and it was only when I burst into tears and told the psychiatrist just how awful it is living with my husband in this state that he realised we needed help. He has now been prescribed new tablets, will be monitored more closely and is being offered more practical support from a Community Psychiatric Nurse. So I just hope and pray that things will start to improve.

I too have feelings of anger and resentment. I love my husband dearly but hate what he has put the family through. There are times when I long for a strong husband who will support and look after us, it is so hard picking up the pieces all the time. Sometimes I feel it would be easier on my own with the children, but I really don't want to lose a marriage that is basically good. I have tried being supportive, sympathetic, angry and ignoring my husband - but none do any good. When I am angry and just want him to 'pull himself together' I feel so guilty because I know it is not that simple for him.

I'm sorry if I am ranting, but like you say it is good to let it all out.

Ribena - I would really try and get medical help for your husband. My husband's psychiatrist told us that the longer depression if left untreated the harder it is to treat. This is a medical condition that needs to be dealt with, and I think if a GP finds the right anti-depressants and monitors them carefully they can work well. I do feel however that there seems to be very little support for families in all this, and practical advice on how to manage the symptoms.

Sorry to go on - hope this helps and good luck. Keep us posted.

My husband lost his job nearly two years ago,it was relief at first because his boss was really down on him but the month before this we both became very ill with a mixture of 'flu and infection and at first the doctor told my husband that he would feel low after having been ill off work for a month.Then he lost his job and became even more low.I eventually felt that I would have to give up my part-time job to get us some money in but this has just left him at home like yours-looking after the kids.He is trying to go self-employed -which is very hard if you're down and can't be motivated and sometimes I think its just his way of saying he can't be bothered to try and get a job but I give him the benefit of the doubt.I've got some good friends at the church we go to(which is difficult if he can't be bothered to make the effort and take us)who arrange girls nights out occassionally .
He finally agreed to go to the doctor because of something else but mentioned to the doctor how he had been feeling and to my amazement the doctor just said that he was 'just a bit low' and as he had seen a counseller at the church he'd get over it -but he didn't tell him that he can't really be bothered to regularly see anyone.Meanwhile he puts on weight- he knows his way to the supermarket!I bought a dishwasher as soon as I started work as I couldn't cope with cleaning cooking and dishwashing when I get home!
I myslf was offered medication for anxiety 10 years ago and after 1 pill I slept for hours and felt dozy the following day but I know that for many people it helps them to take things one at a time whereas without medication they can't face a anything.
After two years of living with this I'm tired but I know that he has good days and I hold on to them and look forward to more especially as I'm learning to find the things that help him and learn that there other people around in similar situations.Keep your chin up and never be afraid to ask for help and to admit to your friends the problems!Depression is nothing to be ashamed of!

My dh used to suffer very badly from depression. In his early twenties they diagnosed him as suffering from schizoprenia and doctors used to force him to take medication. They would inject him with allsorts. He had no control over what they did and his parents, with all the best will in the world, let them do it to him as they thought that the doctors knew best. The result was that he is now quite unemotional. I have only once seen him cry, and then he was drunk. On our wedding day he showed no emotion and when dd was born, he showed no emotion. Not that there is no emotion in there, he just finds it impossible to release it.

I would advise you to love your dh with all your heart. Complement him on his looks, remind him of how much you love him. If he does something, praise him, even if it is only the washing up. Make him feel that he is worth something. Whenever my dh used to "transgress" his family and friends would leave him to himself, this made him feel very unloved. Now I know that I should cuddle him and make him feel like the most important person in the world. Medication will only treat the symptoms, not the cause.

I am not saying that he should not take medication, but be careful as there are unaccounted for side-effects and he could get hooked on some anti-depressants. He has taken the first step, he is seeing a counsellor. I know it must be hard for you Ribena, but these things may take years to resolve. In the meantime the best thing you can do for him is to soak him with love and affection, boost his morale and confidence. You are the most important person in his life and you are the one who has most influence over him. Don't rush him whatever you do. You will need to be very strong and very patient, but the end result will be worth it, believe me.

My heart goes out to all of you. I've been there and I know how it feels. Please hang in there, your partners need you right now.

Ribena, this is a subject I feel very strongly about. Living with a depressive is likely to make YOU depressed.
I have in the past suffered from depression.
Rhubarb, I really hate to contradict your advice, but loving your husband with all your heart, complimenting him etc. although excellent advice in general will not ease his depression UNTIL SUCH TIME AS HE STARTS TO EMERGE FORM IT.I had the most fantastic support from my family and friends ( looking back I don't know how they could have stood me)but I believe 100% that the chemical balance of my brain was faulty and things got so bad I somewhat reluctantly took my GPs advice and went on antidepressants. I have seriously considered writing to the makers of prozac to thank them for saving my life!
There are a couple of things to bear in mind about drug treatment for depression.

1. NO ONE likes to take medication for this kind of thing! ( okay, there's maybe the occassional exception) but in my view it is akin to having diabetes and having to take insulin. DOes an insulin dependant diabetic "like" to have to take their daily drug? No, but they are darn grateful for it.
2. modern anti depressants are NOT addictive. Confusion has arisen as people mix them up in their munds with the older tranquiliser group of drugs, which had/ have their uses but can be addictive.
3. there are many different types of antidepressants and it may take a couple of tries before an individual gets the one which works best for them
4. antidepressants do not produce a false euphoria in the brain, or change the character of the person, they just clear away the black cloud and allow the person to think straight, unhampered by their gloomy thoughts. I can distinctly remember the gradual feeling that I was becomng "myself " again. In other words your husband's fear about his mind being "messed around with" has NO basis in fact.
5. They take a few weeks to have an effect.

Now all the above has been my response to your question "is medication for his depression an answer?" ( clearly I think yes)

The hardest part is in getting him to at least try it. What has he possibly go to lose?
This is the difficulty and I am afraid to be the bearer of bad news, but do you think there is a possibility he does not WANT to get better?In other words he does have a lot to lose by getting better. You see, as long as he is depressed, with you as his loving wife taking care of business, what incentive is there for him to get better? If your kids are at school, presumeably he gets to sit around and relax a bit in the afternoons? If you remove the depression from the equation he is onto a pretty cushy number . He ois about to be released from the responsibility of even part time work. Do you come home from work and take over all the household chores or does he pull his weight in that department? I think I know the answer to that one.
Don't forget, I was VERY depressed, so have huge sympathy, but I can also see that he has no real incentive to get off his backside and help himself.
Perhaps it is time for you to be a little firmer? I say this because it has gone on for so long, the counselling alone has not been an unqualified success, and quite frankly he is in danger of dragging you down with him.
Does he know how you feel or do you keep it all in for fear of making him even more depressed?
How would he react if he thought there was a chance you might leave him because you can't tolerate this much longer?
Please let me know what you think of all this. I hope I have not made you feel worse. Depression is a DEADLY condition and must be treated.
I could go on for hours here but have probably said enough !
You have all my sympathies. Good luck

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Jasper, your message really struck a chord with me. I have also been depressed, and was supported through it by a very loving partner. Until things started to turn around for me, all the compliments, praise and affection in the world just made me feel WORSE because I was convinced i didn't deserve it, was too worthless to be loved by such a wonderful person etc.

Ribena, from my personal experience of depression (in people I've lived with as well as myself) I'd say you are absolutely right to recoginse that your husband's self-absorption is a symptom of his depression, and that therefore his ability (and what's more his right) to make decisions about his treatment, decisions that have huge repercussions for your family, is impaired.

You can't, as you say, nag him into it: but can you (with help, as others have suggested, from the gp or whoever) get him to face up to what's going on, accept that he has some responsibility to try and change things? IMO, depressed people have to get themselves into a situation where they are able and willing to tackle the cause of their depression. Making that decision to do something about how you feel is crucial, as with addiction. But of course, depression is a condition that makes decision-making incredibly hard...

For some people, medication is what's needed to get them to that point, and though I didn't do that myself, I know it has really helped some of my friends. Personally, I think you have to figure out why you're depressed and change that, and medication can be a part of the process, but not a magic bullet. Maybe there are other 'keys' you can use to unlock your husband's depression? Are there people in your and his life who could help you figure out what they are?

Be kind to yourself in all this, from both sides of the fence I know how hard living with depression is, you need to take time to make sure you're doing OK and not just looking after everyone esle

I have just reread my posting and hope you don't mind if I add a bit to it.
I hope I did not make you think I believe antidepressants are some kind of universal cure, or are totally without problems.
I just felt from your description of your husband's problem, the fact he had already tried counselling ( although I confess I wondered if he really did go to see the counsellor in view of his reluctance to discuss it with you)it was a very real option which might well prove to be right for him.
I know some people react badly to certain antidepressants and this is what I meant by there being many available and a good doctor will carefuly monitor any ill effects as well as assessing their benefits, and will change the therapy if needed.This can be very disheartening to a person who is first depressed, and second, not keen to take the drugs in the first place.
We all give great weight to our own experiences, and I was not exaggerating when I said antidepressants saved my life, but I understand not everyone has such a positive experience with them; it does seem all that may be left for your husband to try and it must be frustrating for you that he refuses to consider this option.
I also remembered friends of mine, a married couple in their thirties with no kids. He left his stressful job about ten years ago, suffering from depression, and has not worked since then. Luckily for him he had previously taken out a very good long term sickness policy which covered psychiatric conditions.( In fact it was such a good policy it is no longer available but they honour existing policyholders). It pays him about two thirds of what his salary was.
He has a lovely wife who dotes on him, does everything for him, and earns good money in her job. They go abroad three or four times a year, he is forever buying himself various boys toys...and he is still depressed. Now I am not saying for a second he is not depressed,( or that with a nice lifestyle you should not be depressed ) but, hey, he has a very comfortable and stress free life and if I had his lot when I was depressed I think I would have taken a LOT longer to get better! I believe he has got himself into a comfortable rut where he almost "enjoys" his depression,(particularly with all tose fringe benefits) and I cannot see him coming out of it.
Have there been any improvements at home? Have you discussed the situation with him again recently?

Ribena, I hope that this doesn't sound trivial but I have found Dorothy Rowe's books to be very helpful. She has written so much about depression and I find her so wise and compassionate. All her books are in print currently. It doesn't sound as though you would have much time to browse in bookshops but I would really recommend her books to you and your husband. They are useful to those people who are living with someone who is depressed as well.
I must also say how much I admire what you are doing - you seem to be coping incredibly well. I really hope that things improve for you all soon.

After years of suffering depression from time to time I have discovered it goes with my PCOS. The reason for mentioning this is that low carbohydrate diets help a lot of people. Men can suffer from Syndrome X - which has some similar causes/effects. Since starting a low carbohydrate diet I feel totally different but when I had to go back to high carbohydrate levels for a few days for a test I was again depressed. Just wanted to reinforce the suggestion that if you can get him to change his diet it may help. If there are women with PCOS in his family its more likely to help - there is a genetic link.

Wendym:

What is PCOS? Can you elaborate on that for me?

Thanks.

Many thanks. I am still mulling over your messages and will write a longer reply to them soon. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to see I am not alone here.

Ribena

JoAnne427

I think PCOS stands for Polycystic ovary syndrome.

My mum also suffers from depression and is currently having her fourth "break-down" if that is the right word to use.

I find I am always the one in the famiy that comes across as being "strong" but she does get to me.

She has just started medication, Lofepramine, a non-sedative anti-depressant. I know it takes about 2/3 weeks to start working but already I have seen a "slight improvement".

Because my mum seems prone to depression, I truly believe she needs to be on some form of medication for the rest of her life, although obviously only a very small dosage. It can be so soul-destroying to see one you live going through depression - I normally have such a good relationship with my mum (when she is well) and it is so hard to see her not living (in the true sense of the word) at the moment. She has no interest in anything and is in bed at 8:00 at night and doesn't get up until mid-day.

Because this is the fourth time she has been through this, I do understand depression although I recently bought a book from my chemists called "Understanding Depression" and it really helped me understand why my mum is like she is.

JoAnne427 It is Polycstic Ovarian Syndrome. That both that you have cysts on your ovaries and that they are causing other problems. The problems can include any or all of infertility, weight gain, excess hair and acne. The depression has always seemed like an understandable reaction to the symptoms. However in the past few years its been shown that many women with PCOS are insulin resistant and that if you treat the insulin problem the other symptoms improve. You can treat it with a drug called metformin but that can be difficult to get here, its easier in America. Eating the right types of food will also control insulin levels. HTH - I can expand on any of it / refer you to websites if you like.

Thanks for the info.